flashes/ mental images **SI, SU*

whatever · Post by **whatever** » Mon Feb 28, 2005 9:50 pm

so...yesterday i was having a bad day, and i kept having (brief) mental images of...uh...SIing. but not in the way i usually do. like, much deeper, and in a different place and basically a lot more drastic than anything i've ever done before.

usually when i have the urge to SI it's really clearly separate from any suicidal intent. i mean, i might *feel* somewhat suicidal, but SI is a way to feel better, to get through the moment, to be okay and to *not* entertain suicidal badness.

but mental images seem to be different, because i'm not really sure what they 'mean', and i can't you know, *argue* with them the way i can a nasty little voice telling me i suck. and i've been trying to "let it go" but i'm not sure that's right, either. i don't think i actually want to be okay with this; it feels too close to not caring at all.

and basically, it's making me really scared to pick up a blade at all because i'm so scared i'll go too far/ do something i'd really regret. which isn't necessarily a bad thing. but yes, scariness. and i don't know what to do.

does anyone have any advice or suggestions for what to do with unwanted mental images??

Tainted · Post by **Tainted** » Tue Mar 01, 2005 7:32 am

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I understand this fully...today while in La Senza....I invisioned me stabbing the clerk in the eyes with the hanger....it was graffic....

I have not SI'd in a long time....so I think quite possibly it is my missing of an old vice that makes me think these things. As for stopping them...I just giggled...and it went away. Because I knew I would not do it. I also find with me when I am getting images...like SU ones...and SI ones that I just let them do thier thing. For me if I let them run thier coarse.....they will go away. But everyone is different. We all cope in different ways. I find the images non-triggery....but You may not..we are all different.

I dont know if anything i said makes sense....i am very tired and quite not here. I will prolly read this in the morning and laugh at myself for being an idiot....that happens alot.

Post by **treasure** » Wed Mar 02, 2005 5:51 am

i often have mental images of si and su when i'm particularly upset. i usually try to do a 'before' questionnaire, cos i'm also scared of doing more harm than i want to. i've sometimes just gone outside, (away from tools) or write down a detailed story as if i was going to do what i imagined, or promised to myself i would only si a certain amount or for a certain time (writing it down its easier to stick to)...
being scared is also good because it might help you si less? i don't think any of my mental images have been full realised, so don't worry too much.

whatever · Post by **whatever** » Wed Mar 02, 2005 2:16 pm

thank-you both for your replies.

am still thinking.
but it does help to know that others have experienced and gotten through similar.

erinmv · Post by **erinmv** » Tue Mar 08, 2005 1:39 am

I recently went through the same thing. It was about 5 months ago. I kept having really graphic images of cutting but it was more like suicide. A LOT of blood which is not normal for my SI. I was really freaked out because I never experienced anything like that before. And I thought it was especially strange because I wasn't particularly upset. Anyway, there was no easy way to deal with it. I also had to fight from SIing. I wanted to but I was scared shitless. Somehow I was able to get past it and the graphic images went away. But it took a few weeks. Sorry, I know that wasn't very helpful but I just wanted you to know that I've been there. Hope you're doing okay.

PoorSlain Doll · Post by **PoorSlain Doll** » Tue Mar 08, 2005 11:28 pm

i think that may be partly my problem too but like treasure writing detaled descriptions help. i dont SI anymore but i want to so much. i guess i just try to think of all the reasons why i shouldnt. writing a list of the reasons "why not" can be helpfull sometimes. distracting your imagination works foor me sometimes too. listening to up beat music. remebering happy times watching a film. anything to try and get the images out. i dont know if this is any help at all... sarah x

VowsOfSadness · Post by **VowsOfSadness** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 12:21 am

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I have graphic images of SI in my head sometimes I see myself going real deep and I get in a panic because I get scared like it auctually happened. I don't know it is really scary and its hard to keep them out of your head.

I try to pick something in the room or maybe something I liek and hold the image as long as I can.

whatever · Post by **whatever** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 6:33 am

thanks for the suggestions/support, VowsOfSadness
erinmv andPoorSlain Doll.

now i just have to remember to ...actually try them next time.

and yes, loud music is *good*.
(although makes it hard to concentrate on anything else either, heh).

PoorSlain Doll · Post by **PoorSlain Doll** » Wed Mar 09, 2005 8:15 pm

no problem

just take care of yourself. sarah x

bus

flashes/ mental images **SI, SU*

flashes/ mental images **SI, SU*

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