after.

[demidivine]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
well, i'm in the process of tidying it up. everything's a bit messy.

what had happened just before?
today i knew would be a bad day. i know tomorrow will be bad too. monday will be worse. and all this week. today i got up early to do a charity carnival, then had to leave early to go to the theatre to work on the set, and then i came home to try to do some work but was so tired and frustrated with the whole day that i was distracted and it made me angry that i wasnt concentrating and understanding. then i had to go to a band rehearsal, which lasted for three and a half hours, and i was so tired and almost cried five times. and i know tomorrow will be worse, because i have all of it again. not the carnival, but the musical rehearsal will be twice as long. and this week i have to finish the set and play in the musical and write my essay and i'm frightened of starting counselling on wednesday and my boyfriends away and i dont have anyone i can talk to here.

what were you thinking and feeling?
oh. well, see above. frustrated and angry and upset with myself, low to the point of suicidal, incredibly lonely, very tired and frightened of next week. and my leg syndrome is f*cking painful, because it plays up when i'm stressed and tired.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
i did well not to do it another night. possibly if i had done it last night, then it might not have been so bad. this might need stitches, but then again i have no idea. the final straw was all of today. probably the rehearsal.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
i put too much pressure on myself. i make myself do too much. i had a bad week last week too. i have noone here that i can talk to. my boyfriend has his own problems and spent all last week writing essays. even when he hugs me i feel two metres away.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep. lack of food. guilt over eating. i don't have the time to address any of those now.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i cried. i distracted myself last night. neither really worked. i dont think this did either.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
well, i can't go to j because he's stressed enough with the musical as it is. i know he'd understand, but what can he do? i can't think of anything else i could have done.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
um.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
its not resolved, it will get worse over next week and i can see this happening again. maybe as i get things done it will look better. when k comes home i might talk to him. i might go to counselling, but i dont know.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
i will be, all this term. i can see it in advance.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i will try:
- talking to someone, other than k, so i have someone here that knows but isnt too emotionally attached.
- i will try to make myself go to sleep.
- i will buy a cd of tippett, that i know i enjoy.

[Tiarin]

i put too much pressure on myself. i make myself do too much. i had a bad week last week too. i have noone here that i can talk to.

you do sound stressed and overwhelmed. i can see why you'd be having a tough time coping. do you know why you put so much pressure on yourself and make yourself do so much? what do you think would happen if you eased up a bit?

the counseling sounds like it could be worth at least a try. i know that sometimes even having one space where i can be honest about how much i'm struggling can make a real difference in helping me cope with things.

take care. i hope things don't stay this difficult for you.

dragonfly

[demidivine]

thanks dragonfly. im trying to cut down on stuff next term. and i think i'll try the counselling.