i'll be punished for the things i've done wrong...namely talk to dhs workers. i'll quit feeling the emotional pain. i can disappear into my ritual of si.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
bring? see above. it will also bring heartache, guilt, scars, more secrets. but i can disappear emotionally. i can temporarily block myself from all the shit eating at my heart and wrenching my gut and my living hell life.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want the nightmare to end. no hurting myself won't help me w/dhs nightmare. but it's 1020 pm and i can't do any more productive stuff today. too upset to try to write my appeal letter. at this point that would only make me more urgy.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
relief will probly last till i fall asleep. big part of this is ongoing sleep deprivation. i KNOW i decompensate and cannot cope when i'm sleep deprived. it might not last that long...may want to si more. that's what happened 3 nights ago. do then? si more, not si more. fall asleep. stay up and watch M*A*S*H reruns. i really don't know.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i did talk to another mom who was supportive, but she lost her parental rights so that scared the shit outta me. she talked about her dtr's sa in foster care---that triggered me. i left the house and bo't smokes. so at least i have a ciggie to smoke now. si'ing or not si'ing won't change the situation tonite. alternatives include reruns that start in half an hour now. could do more laundry. could clean up the kitchen. could bake brownies. could decide what to wear to job interview on thursday. could play w/the cat. could turn the heat back up cuz i'ts freezing cold in here (but i kinda like that, another form of punishment)
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
guilty cuz i'll need to tell my t....dang i hate being honest but she deserves that. that's why i see her. if i do other thing, i'll be frustrated tonight till i fall asleep. but tomorrow i'll most likely be glad i didn't si.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to find someone to give me a hug. i want someone to make the nightmare disappear. i want someone who knows me irl and not just thru a message board agree that this whole thing is ludicrous and that i AM a good mom.
plus i'm fightin with putting away the "potential" tool that's sitting right here on my desk or leaving it out to taunt me.
i'm messed up
