before.

[nirvana]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
it won't. i can't fix this. everything's messed up.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
i'll see the blood. that helps. i won't feel anything because it doesn't work anymore. it will punish me for being stupid all the time, and for not listening to my instincts, and for being a slut.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want the past two days never to have happened. none of it. and i want to feel stable.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
until i stop bleeding. i'll know that i'm alive, and i'll be able to sleep.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
nothing. i can't do anything. i would excercise, but my fucking knee is messed up. i would cry, but i don't know how to. i'm listening to music, but it's not helping. i could sleep, but i'm restless.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i won't feel better. or worse. just worthless. i didn't come up with anything.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to feel alive. i don't care how, i need to feel it.

[swanfaerie]

it sounds like you're feeling guilt (correct me if i'm wrong). but i know for me guilt (real or imagined) can lead to urges. i'm not necessarily expecting a response just wanted to say what i saw in your post.

i hope things are better today.