i've got a little more than three hours left in my life as a minor. i'm turning 18 tomorrow, though i suppose in england i'm already 18, since it's already february 10 there. what a strange thought.
*si*
the last time i deliberately injured myself was June 15, 2004. that means i've been si-free for more than 6 months. though i cut myself more than 20 times that day, which is saying something since usually i only cut three or four times at a time.
i think it hasn't been too difficult because i left bus and so SI or SI-ers weren't constantly on my mind, but this week i've just felt so heavy. heavy-laden with sadness. i don't know why. and this birthday business is irritating me. not that i don't want to get older - i don't care about that, and i don't think i ever will (after all, every year i live means a nother year closer to Heaven and to my mother). i just don't want all this attention, when i deserve nothing, or less than that. and i feel like it's false attention. people care because they want to show that they care so they seem like good people... because at other times, what am i to them? (which is a very cynical and depressing view of people... but oh well) and how do i possibly celebrate a birthday when the person who gave birth to me is dead?
i think i just want to sleep and not get up. it's one of those times, when nothing feels like it will ever be ok again. and how can it be?
![:( :(](./images/smilies/icon_frown.gif)
p.s. sorry for posting in coping; i didn't want attention on the main board and i don't want to post in my place because i know certain people will read it and feel bad. feel free to remove this post...