first 'before' post

[demidivine]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
because i dont feel anything. because i have nothing else that would make me feel better. because i need a quick fix that would make it easier to put on the mask again. because i'm lazy, and want to punish myself.
overwork, frustration with self, feeling that i dont belong here, feeling that i have few friends, feeling unwanted and lonely, feeling like the act is too heavy.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
i have been here for years and years. i cut. i felt better.
more constructively, i put it off, distracted myself, kept myself away from other people or around other people, depending on mood. i always felt frustrated at the pointlessness of postponing it, and still under the black. i hate that more than the feeling after cutting.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i have tried to work. i have played on the internet. i have walked around.
i could have a shower, i could go to the chapel service this evening, which would mean i wouldnt have to speak to anyone but i would get out of my room. i could try to find a copy of the uni rag to read my letter in it, and thus feel more positive that i'm vaguely capable sometimes.

How do I feel right now?
angry that self harm is considered so wrong. frustrated that i cant seem to get out of the well i'm in, angry that i cant make myself work harder, that i have too much to do and i still do more. angry that i have to keep up being me.
i feel like i want to land myself in hospital so that other people have to deal with it, other people make the decisions for me.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
not here. thinking of other things.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
guilty, as a result of disappointing my boyfriend and making him upset when he sees. slightly relieved for at least a few hours, get rid of the weight for a few hours.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
no, i can't avoid the causes. i could deal with it better in theory, but in reality, the pressures i put on myself, and the mask i wear, and the feelings of self-loathing i have are all intrinsic parts of me, and it would take a radical personality overhaul to change it.

Do I need to hurt myself?
at the moment, yes. because it will happen later, and worse, if i don't. and it will take it all away for a bit. it's too heavy.

[nirvana]

hey there... hope you don't mind me commenting, but here's some questions i thought about when i read.

1. you said you feel numb... i've been there so many times, so i can definately relate. is there any specific activity that helps you feel less numb? is it a physical numbness or an emotional one? or both? i find that doing physical things often makes me feel more alive, and real.
2. what do you want to punish yourself for?
3. you said you have few friends and feel lonely... do you have anyone you trust or feel comfortable enough calling when you feel like this? (boyfriend maybe?)
4. congratulations on trying to distract yourself! that's very admirable, and it shows that you're actively trying not to si. even if you do, you'll be able to say you tried not to. and that's wonderful.
5. will hurting yourself now be worth the guilt you feel later on?
6. is there any way to lessen the pressure you put on yourself?

i'm here if you ever want to talk. and i hope the questions gave you something to think about. *sits quietly* if you need me.

love, tara.

[demidivine]

thanks very much, tara, that was really helpful. as an update, i went to the inauguration of our new chaplain, where there was a good sermon - i'm not christian, but it was clever, and interesting. and then my good friend james came up to my room and we drank juice and talked, which was fun. and a forced distraction.

in answer:

1. it's mostly a mental numbness, although this place (i'm at cambridge) seems intensely claustrophobic and unrealistic, which isn't helping the feeling that i'm distanced from reality - i mean, i just listened (and understood) a long inauguration speech in latin, in a medieval chapel. that's not real. i think that intensifies the feeling that i should be living up to the atmosphere here, and that reality is a long way away.

2. punishment for eating too much, for making people upset through my harming (twisted, i know), for loading myself with work and then not being able to cope, for wearing a mask, for not wanting to help myself, for taking helpful advice and then not doing anything to help myself, for being a miserable, self-indulgent sod.

3. it's only really my best friend (in cardiff, unfortunately) that i feel comfortable talking to, and i seem to have 'used' her as support so much, i feel she must be getting fed up with giving so much effort and getting nothing back. i also have no money to call her. i've worried kit so much over the last few days, he's been so supportive and clever around me - distracting and such, but now i've talked to him so much, and he's suggested all sorts of ways to help, i feel like i can't run back to him being miserable again after not taking any positive steps myself whatsoever.

4. thanks. i don't feel so much that i've been doing it voluntarily... it's been more forced distraction, making myself get on with things and kit taking me out, although i am listening to good happy music at the moment. it just feels like its a given that it's going to happen eventually. and thats frustrating, because at the moment, i can't see anything wrong with it.

5. it's a cycle. i feel guilty for hurting people, blame myself, get angry, let things build up and it happens again. we all do it, i think. i know it's not worth the guilt, but at the moment it's only kit that finds out - and i only feel guilty for the look on his face, like i've kicked him. not for doing it.

6. yes, but only after i've completed the things i've taken on; and a lot of the things i really want to do. my problem is, i'm good at being in charge, and i enjoy it, sometimes. i *know* everything i'm doing at the moment is going well, and i'm coping. it's just, well, stressful. and tiring. and if self harm is the release i need at the moment, to get through, and get it done well, then i feel at the moment that it's worth it. i want to enjoy the things i've taken on. next term, i WILL cut down. i'm already turning stuff down, designerships and article writing and productions to run. so i'm trying.


thanks very much, tara, you're wonderful feel good about yourself, you've helped me, a lot. i've gone from being certain i'll do it tonight, to not sure. thanks.

[nirvana]

hey there... i'm glad you're reconsidering si'ing, and that you distractedyourself. i'll comment some on what you wrote again, and try to help some more.

1. do you know of any ways that help relieve the feeling of numbness? things that generally work for me, and for other people i know are bubble baths (good cause you can relax and do something nice for yourself instead of si'ing), and physical activities. you could try taking a walk/going to the gym/etc. reading a book might help also.

2. how do you upset people through your harming? are they people that genuinely care about you? is there a way you could you gain their support and understanding and still feel comfortable telling them about your si without feeling like you're hurting them? have you explained your reasons, and how it helps? is there something you want them to do for you? that's not being selfish when you ask for help; it's being human.

3. since this is the second time you've mentioned not doing anything to help yourself, is there a reason for this? is there something small and manageable that you feel you could do that would help move you in the right direction? congratulate yourself for things more often... even the tiniest accomplishment is an accomplishment. posting here before si'ing is a huge step, and it shows that part of you doesn't want to si, even if another part of you does.

4. forced distraction is better than none. and i'm still proud of you.

5. nasty cycle, isn't it? i agree, i think we all do it. but remember, you're only doing what you can to survive. you're using the best coping skills you know right now, and until you learn some more, that's alright. just wondering... do you have an emergency box or book? that might be something to consider for times when you feel trigerred or lonely.

6. wow, we're very similar. i like being in charge too, otherwise i feel helpless and out of control. but you deserve time to yourself too. a little stress is good; it can motivate you if you use it the right way. but too much can be harmful. like you said, it might help to prioritize what you want to do. make a list of all your options, and how much time and commitment are involved. how will you fit those in, and still find time for yourself? if you don't feel you'll be able to handle it, cut down some. you can always add more if you get bored.



tara.

[demidivine]

hi again

i can't really answer 1 or 2, just agree - although access to a bathtub is limited at the moment...

you have a point on no.3. i do notice my achievements, but the idea of doing anything constructive - like going to a doctor, or a counsellor - brings up all sorts of odd feelings, from "i dont need to", to "i can cope by myself, this is MY problem", to "they can't help"... and the idea of drugs or even talking through it all to someone i don't know, face to face, worries me. and i think the only part of me that doesn't want to SI is the part that feels guilty about my friends that know.

5. no, i don't have an emergency box or book - i don't think i'd know what to put in it. i have a real diary, which i use when something important happens or when i need to think things out. but anything more geared towards helping, no.

6. i think it's about balance, then. but as i said, it's not going to happen this term, not with all the stuff i've got. and next term is exams, and then i'm cutting down. it's just a long time to have a lot of stress. in three weeks the first hurdle is down, the arts festival i'm organising is over; after that, i'll try actually constructing my days so that even when i work for a day, i don't feel lazy or unproductive. i think i have unreal expectations of what i can actually do in a day. and the fact that i'm recovering from a stressful christmas isn't a help. it's the beginning of term, and i've leapt in quite fast. very fast.

thanks again, love feeling a little better again. i'm up and down so fast at the moment, every five minutes. i hate the swings more than i hate the lows.

[nirvana]

3. even if you want to help yourself, and make it through this alone, you are not a weaker person for asking for support or help. in fact, you're helping yourself by asking for it. if you consider a t, you don't need to open up right away. you can wait for one you trust and actually feel comfortable with. then, they won't judge you at all; instead, they will listen and let you try to sort problems out on your own, maybe guiding you a little in the right direction.

5. ideas for an emergency box/book/scrapbook: pictures of your friends/family, concert tickets, song lyrics, inspiring quotes, simple things that make you happy, stickers, colorful things. they can be fun to make and use.

6. until next term, try and find some time every day for yourself... where you can just relax and congratulate yourself for working hard.

you seem like a wonderful person. i hope you find ways to take care of yourself. i'm always here if you want to talk.
love, tara.

[demidivine]

thank you, tara you're wonderful too. thanks for the tips, i'm going to start constructing a little box or drawer, and i'm just about to get out for a cycle ride (to the library, but you know, life goes on). i hope you have a good day today - i'm sorry that you were feeling equally numb last night - but if you need anyone, you know where i am, anytime...

love

dd. xx