Don't even know why

[Wendy]

Well, I messed up 20 days into the new year and broke my New Year's Resolution. I was doing so good too. The weird thing is I don't even know why -- just got real urgy and did it -- nothing serious -- didn't really even help. Still have this lovely headache and don't have that nice afterglow.

Have you taken care of your physical wounds?

Yes

What happened just before?

Nothing -- that's what get to me -- just got urgy driving home -- kind of weird fantasy's too.

What were you thinking and feeling?

Earlier in the day my daughter got dx as ADHD, but I already knew she was and actually welcomed the confirmation and got good suggestions and info from the doctor. I've been kind of urgy for 3 days now. Last night very much so -- was thinking about a time I had a freeze burn vaginal procedure done as a little kid to get rid of an infection. It was suppose to hurt a lot. Told my mom it didn't hurt at all. Must have disassociated. Got in a weird space thinking about it. My body was really hyper awake and felt strange. Felt real weird after counseling earlier yesterday but was urgy even before that the night before, but that was because I was worried about the doctor not thinking it was ADHD for my daughter. Guess a lot of thoughts and feelings were jumbled up together.

Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?

I didn't want to do it right before counseling and push the feelings that far down. I don't think there was an event, just felt to urgy and uncomfortable. Wanted to relax and feel good. Didn't work out that way though -- still feel yuck. Couldn't find my preferred tools and didn't like what I used feel like I didn't do enough (don't even SI right) even though I know anything is too much.

How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final stage.

I don't know I pushed it off, but was tired, headachy, urgy, really wanted the stimulation. I've already kind of traced the events. I could have made a different decision at the end to get help, but really just wanted to feel better not have help. What do I do with that?

Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol , being off our meds, lack of sleep? Can you address those in the future? How?

No drugs or alcohol (although I was wondering if alcohol wouldn't be a better choice to help me relax), not on meds -- maybe I should be -- not sure it'd help or that I'm willing to try them, I was very shy on sleep -- had been hyper awake the night before and couldn't sleep hardly at all. Sleep is always good -- although I honestly have no clue how come I couldn't sleep that night. Maybe exercising before bed would help.

What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work?

Tried some lesser skin irritation, tried putting it off (did for two days), prayed that I didn't want help but needed it. Not much of a prayer. Didn't really try much. The stuff I did didn't help.

In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?

Posting on BUS in Before instead of After. Calling someone. Serious prayer and Bible study.

Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if yo end up in this situation again.

If I really want to stop myself (there's the problem catch), I'll post in Before and call my friend for support and prayers.

How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps yo might take toward resolution?
Nothing has changed. I feel pretty much the same only yuckier and disappointed that it didn't even help me feel better. I'll talk to counselor about ADHD dx and stuff I was thinking about when I was a kid with that procedure.

Are you ,likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize if when you're in that situation?

Probably something similar. It's pretty hard to miss that much urginess and weird body feelings.


What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.

Not commiting to anything, obviously my resolutions aren't worth much. I'll aim to do what I said about posting and calling and talking to my T in a preventative fashion.




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[dejavu0225]

now that, wendy my dear, is what my T would call an addiction to dopamine. I don't think it is because what you just described is how I feel when I do it without a valid reason....

[beachgirl]

I'm so sorry, Wendy. From your answers, it sounds like you were feeling pretty bad about yourself right then. That's always a hard way to feel. But, it was just a little stumble on the road. Try not to feel too bad about yourself.

((((Hugs))))
Susie