Agent P's Before

[Agent P]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I need to get back in control, i need to feel i am in charge of how i feel and what i am doing. Just another week of crap, and another day of it today. I know its going to be shit again, i know im going to be alone again and i know im going to feel shit while im there, i have nobody i can turn to, i dont want to bother people with my problems not when they have their own, nobody wants me, nobody loves me and no body needs me.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I have been here before, as a result i SI'ed, i felt back in control, tho it only lasted for a very short time. It never lasts for long.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I have tried to ignore it, i have tried to do some of the things that are listed on the 151 things to do post, like have a bath, watch funny tv, distract myself, but its not working, i cant see any other way out i need some control. I need some peace from this pain, if even for a little while.

How do I feel right now?

I want to SI, I NEED to SI but im scared, im scared that if i do then i will be letting everybody on here down, i have tried so hard not to but i cant deal with these feelings inside, i need control.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

It will bloody hurt, i know this but that pain will pass, and hopfully i will feel better inside afterwords. i will feel in control, all my pain will be gone.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

My mind will be focused on what i have just done, and any pain that is left, meaning it won't be focused on whats causing me this pain. I will feel really bad inside. I will feel i have let everybody down, and i will be scared to talk about it in case its used against me.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I have tried to, but its other people that are causing it, my only way out would be to run away from it, which means i lose out while these people continue. I can not control others and the way they act, hell if i could then there would not be a problem, and i cant confront it either, i DO NOT want to cause anybody any upset no matter how shit they have treated me.

Do I need to hurt myself?

At this point, yes. I can not cope with these feelings i have, they are too painfull. They are not easily solved either without other people getting upset, and i dont want to do that, i guess i will suffer so they dont have to.

[truce]

i know im going to be alone again and i know im going to feel shit while im there, i have nobody i can turn to, i dont want to bother people with my problems not when they have their own, nobody wants me, nobody loves me and no body needs me.

i so relate to this. but bus is here. i want you to be here. you make nice posts post in your place, even if its in a small script that no-one can read, just to get your frustration out. thats what i do a lot. bus is my only support that i have and my only outlet atm. i swear at the people aho stress me, give them ficticious names, whatever. just go let it out. that really helps me sometimes.

I have tried to ignore it, i have tried to do some of the things that are listed on the 151 things to do post, like have a bath, watch funny tv, distract myself, but its not working, i cant see any other way out i need some control. I need some peace from this pain, if even for a little while.

i have a lovely relaxation therapy cd, which i need to use more often. basically, and especially where it helps me, its 20 minutes long, it obviously helps bc it has the sounds that accompany it, but i am sure you can try something similar. what they do is have you walk down the beach. do that. lay on your bed, close your eyes, feel the sand between your toes, smell the salty air and hear the waves. in your arms are a bunch of sticks, all of which represent a problem that is troubling you. look at each one, throw those that you can do nothing about into the sea and watch it get washed away. stick the others upright in the sand to collect later, and continue walking. at this point you go off to a place in your mind where you can relax. think of a place you can, either still on the beach, in a garden, on the top of a mountain. stay there a bit, focusing on the big picture and the little things, birds, butterflies, grass, all of it. just breathing deeply and relaxing. stay there for 5 or 10 minutes then you can return to the beach. i find that then i firstly have a new energy o tackle the problems and secondly everything is a bit more in perspective and doesnt really look as large and i feel i can handle them a bit easier.

im scared that if i do then i will be letting everybody on here down

and dont worry about us. we will support and love you whether you land up si'ing or not. obviously we will be happier for you if you dont, but will think no less of you if you do. you dont need the added pressure and guilt of worrying about us on top of all the other things. this is easier said than done, i know. i often feel guilty at posting i cut bc i let the people who supported me down. i understand the guilt feelings, but try not to let them play too heavily on you.

thats my 2 cents worth. i sincerely hope that you make it safely through this rough time. im here if you want to pm me and chat. or whatever. big hugs if ok.

noel

[truce]

added this in your place, where you will see it first i dont know, so ill just add it here too

i really hope that you feel better soon and get through this rough patch you are feeling you are going through. try write down your problems. fold them up and leave them on your bed and go for a walk. distance yourself from them. dont allow yourself to think about them. go look at the flowers, at the clouds, go have a cup of coffee. sometimes just physically distancing yourself from the place you are in can help. then when you come back look at how you can tackle each thing, one at a time. i know that physically just forcing myself out (and you sometimes have to literally force yourself) can help. just helps you come back with a different perspective.

take gentle care of you

[Wendy]

Hey P,

Sweetie, I don't think you're letting anyone down except yourself. Try to drop the criticisms of yourself. I know they get to be a habit but they're just another way on injuring yourself. Punishment isn't going to help you change -- acceptance and love will. A phrase my T taught me that helped when view my behavior is "Isn't that interesting!" Said just the way I'd say, my eyes are green. Practicing detaching from the behavior and being curious about it instead of angry at it can help you understand what's motivating it and is a good place to start healing. With support! Don't have to do this alone (probably can't anyway). Counselor, pastor, friend, crisis line, BUS -- let someone in. If you don't choose to love yourself faults and all, you're not going to let anybody else love you either (we never let in more than we think we deserve). It all feels incredibly fake at first, but with time and practice it works. I actually needed this reminder myself.

Take gentle care!
Wendy

[truce]

A phrase my T taught me that helped when view my behavior is "Isn't that interesting!" Said just the way I'd say, my eyes are green. Practicing detaching from the behavior and being curious about it instead of angry at it can help you understand what's motivating it and is a good place to start healing. With support! Don't have to do this alone (probably can't anyway). Counselor, pastor, friend, crisis line, BUS -- let someone in.

i know that this is your before. but wendy, what you say makes lots of sense. the way i find this to be done the easiest for me, is to look at others before posts, like yours here. you suffer a lot and get urged by the same things as i do, so when i read your post, its like im reading mine yet i see things more objectively because its not me writinf, so i can really say, thats interesting. so ill answer yours and when i give you advice im doing it for myself as well. ok, im doing this when i am not urging or wanting to si and am in a safe place, but i will remember this, and even in my previous after post i couldnt come up with ways to cope like i did here with you, and these are things i have either forgotten or things i am going to try myself next time i am urging. the most important thing to remember that even if you use bus bc you have no-one irl, remember that you are not alone and you dont have to do it alone. you shouldnt have to do it alone, and best of all, you are not going through it alone. there are lots of people here eho understand and are willing to listen.

love and hugs
noel

[Wendy]

I agree Noel -- I've found the same thing helpful. It's much easier to see the truth about someone else's value and their pain than your own.

Hugs,
Wendy