a curious friend-- need advice

[aimee929]

I just spent the weekend with several friends, one of whom is a close friend named Frances. On Sunday, Frances overheard me telling my friend Emily about a friendship I had that ended 2 years ago. This old friend knew that I cut and would always tell me that I belonged in a hospital and that I was sick. After awhile, I couldn't take listening to her anymore. I don't need friends who view me as a freak. So this girl and I are no longer friends.

When Frances heard this, she asked why the girl would think I needed to be in the hospital-- Frances does not know that I cut. I said it was complicated. A few hours later, Emily was gone and I was driving Frances to the airport. Again, she asked what the complicated thing was. I told her that it was too hard to talk about (very few of my friends know that I SI... I have trouble telling people). And so she guessed.

She said, "Is it self-abuse?"
I looked at her dumbfounded. How could she so randomly guess that?
I said yes, there were many forms of self-abuse though.
She said, "Is it cutting?"
I couldn't believe it. Well, apparently Frances already has a few friends who cut, so she has dealt with it before. But to just guess it? I thought that was strange. Anyway, she must have really thought I had a fucked up life if she was just able to guess that.

Ever since that conversation, Frances is strangely curious about cutting. She has no tendency towards it herself-- I am nearly certain-- but she has asked me where I do it, how often, when I started, if I do it b/c of a trend. She even asked me questions about blood loss.

This all caught me a little off-guard. I am not quite sure how to talk to Frances b/c I feel like she is looking at me like a specimen. She is a great friend and I love her, but sometimes i think she is too fascinated by the details. She has done that with other things we've talked about too. Maybe it is helpful for me to talk about it all-- but does anyone else find this strange??

I am not used to telling friends about my SI, so I don't really know what to expect in terms of reactions.

What are other people's experiences like?

Any advice on how to talk to Frances??


love,
Aimee

[aimee929]

from anyone...

I know this is not exactly an *urgent* post-- but I would appreciate someone's advice.





Aimee

[dreams]

Sorry babe - i did read this before but you see when i've told my friends it's always been directly after an 'episode' when i really needed some urgent help so they've had to help me first and then figure out how 'crazy' i am. and to be honest they don't really seems interested in learning more.

Maybe - you could print out some info like something from the secret shame website and maybe help me to help you

dunno sorry i know i'm not a lot of help but i didn't know what else to say

dreams

[aimee929]

Sorry babe - i did read this before but you see when i've told my friends it's always been directly after an 'episode' when i really needed some urgent help so they've had to help me first and then figure out how 'crazy' i am. and to be honest they don't really seems interested in learning more.

Maybe - you could print out some info like something from the secret shame website and maybe help me to help you

dunno sorry i know i'm not a lot of help but i didn't know what else to say

dreams

Thank you for responding. I also have a few friends who I call after SI and they help me get through it. But the two friends I mentioned earlier-- Emily & Frances-- are people I have been friends with for several years. Lately, though, we have become much closer friends. So I feel I owe it to them to know what is going on with me. Emily has handled it pretty well. I wasn't sure what to say to Frances, though. I wondered if I went about it all wrong, if I should have kept my mouth shut, and I don't know what to say to her next time she calls. Indulge her curiosity?

I guess I'll figure it out somehow. Thanks for making me feel less alone.


Aimee

[sug160489]

okay..hearing that you said frances had dealt with this before is probably why she is asking you those kind of questions

those kind of questions are the typical questions asked by someone who has been told how to talk to someone who SI's

those kind of questions also verify what kind of help you need form the person as it allows them to see your reasoning behind it and whether you dissociate or not

This has happened to me before and these kind of questions wont keep going on for ever, ur friend just cares and wants to know the best way to help you even if whats shes doing isnt best for you

my advice would be to sit her down and explain to her how the questions make you feel and tell her the best way to help you

it seems scary but she will understand she just needs you to show her the way

Love Sarah

[Space_Man]

Anyway, she must have really thought I had a fucked up life if she was just able to guess that.

Nah, you shouldn’t feel that way… She “guessed” it, because she knows how to read you (probably, at least to some extent), and she is obviously familiar with at least some aspects of the whole SI-thing.

I feel like she is looking at me like a specimen... i think she is too fascinated by the details. She has done that with other things we've talked about too...

If it makes you uncomfortable, then simply tell her that you are only willing to talk about it in a general way, but that you will not discuss specific details with her.

[mallie]

she has asked me where I do it, how often, when I started, if I do it b/c of a trend. She even asked me questions about blood loss.

Questions about why you started, or why you do it, seem pretty reasonable. If she knows why you do it, it would be easier to support you through it.

The others sound like she could be trying to work out how bad things are, although its hard to tell.

If you're not comfortable to be answering questions, don't. But it might be worth asking her why she is asking you these things, just to set your mind at ease.

[Wall]

I agree with the other posters. If a question makes you uncomfortable, tell her. If you don't want to talk about it at that time, but might like to later, tell her that, too. Although her questions may seem probing, she may be trying to show you that she's not uncomfortable talking about it and that she won't freak out on you. Be honest with her, even if it means asking her to back off.

[balletomane]

I agree that she is probably trying to figure out how to best help you. It also seems like she will be responsive if you tell her that some of the questions make you feel uncomfortable.

I only have a few friends who know, and most of them were just scared by me. The one friend who genuinely cares understands that I'm not always willing to be completely open about the details.

I would try to make it clear that you appreciate her concern but you have some limits. Hopefully she will understand, especially given the fact that she has some experience with people who SI. I don't think she necessarily realizes that she seems to be treating you like a specimen. It probably won't be productive to say that, but rather try to convey to her that the details are not something you'd like to discuss.

Good luck.

[VowsOfSadness]

SI can be a curious thing for those people who do not partake in it, I remember a time when I was innocently curious about how someone could do this to themselves. If it makes you uncomfortable thell her so (or if its a He then him. Im sure its because she really cares.

I am very open about SI (as in this is a thing that happenes to me and others) and I came out fully in a presentation in class (so everyone knows) and I am fine with that, but for as open as I am if you are a friend you may never know if I have cut (as in last night, today) I like to only speak in the genral as in I cut or when I cut.

Many people at our school confide in my about SI and that is good, but I also have boundries. Friend's of SI need help too because in the end it does not effect the SI person alone