Here we go again.

[Wandering]

<B>how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? </B>
I'll feel better

<B>what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? </B>
It will bring the feeling that I've done something productive, I might be able to get a decent night's sleep, I'll feel ok for a few days. However, I'll feel annoyed at myself for being so weak and pathetic that I gave in. I'm losing the hope I can ever stop, and cutting again would reinforce that hopelessness

<B>how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? </B>
I'd like to be free from it, to feel I can cope without having to hurt myself. However, I'm really struggling to believe I can be. Obviously cutting is gonna get me further from that, as its proving I <I>can't</I> cope without it

<B>if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? </B>
As I haven't been cutting regularly recently, I'll probably be 'ok' for a week or so. Then I'll fight the urges for a bit, and probably cut again

<B>what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? </B>
Well I've already done my two coping things I'd commited to, and I still feel rough. So I'm stuck

<B>how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? </B>
I'll feel ok. Yeah, I'll feel guilty that I messed up, but apart from that I'll feel a whole lot better than I feel now. If I don't cut, then I'll feel exactly as I do now

<B>what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?</B>
I want to cut. More than that, I want a cure that will make me happy again. But as SI is the best I've found, that's what I want to do.

<B>Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?</B>
Yes - most of the time I fought it, which just postponed the cutting. The other times I cut. When I cut I felt better. Therefore the common-sense part of my brain suggests it might be a good thing to try again

<B>What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? </B>
I've groomed my dog, read the bible, and have then read my way round here trying to distract myself

<B>How do I feel right now? </B>
Crap

<B>How will I feel when I am hurting myself? </B>
Relieved that I'm doing something, relieved I can have a break from the urges

<B>How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? </B>
Better

<B>Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? </B>
Nope, unless I can avoid life in general

<B>Do I need to hurt myself? </B>
I feel like I need to. Of course the logical answer would be no, I don't, a lot of people get through worse situations than mine without cutting. But I personally feel I need to SI. If I don't I think I'm gonna throw up - that probably sounds odd but I feel so uptight that its makig me feel sick

[Laura]

Hiya

I want to tell you that I relate a lot to your post. It does seem all perfectly logical, it sounds like you know yourself pretty well, how you're going to feel, what you want to do and why. I admit I've found myself like that, even quite recently, where I can reason to myself that SI really is the right option.

So I won't condemn you for that. I wonder, though, in your efforts to find the right Coping strategy that's more than just a delaying tactic, how far you have analysesd what made you feel like this? Maybe you have and just didn't want to post it here, that's ok. If not, try the other set of questions (there's the Listening to Urges questions and Kharre's questions, can't remember which is which ).

You said you can't avoid times like this, unless you can avoid life itself - are you sure? What events led up to this - it may have happened slowly over days or even weeks, but what were the things that built up into the state where you seriously considered SI?

Sometimes understanding that part of the process can help in finding coping strategies that do work. At least some of the time

Take care
Love Laura

[Wandering]

Hey Laura - thanks for your reply.

I wonder, though, in your efforts to find the right Coping strategy that's more than just a delaying tactic, how far you have analysesd what made you feel like this?

I don't think I know. There's no obvious thing - I've never been SA, my parents are happily married, I'm under a lot less pressure than I used to be now I'm at college. I suspect I have depression, but I can't see any particular reason for why I end up feeling so bad that I cut. To some extent, I think it's sometimes just because its addictive - I might be feeling ok in myself, but I want to cut cos I miss the process of cutting then caring for the wound, and having to hide it (is that weird?).

Other times I might just be feeling a little low, for no reason at all, and it will be something small like my mum sounding annoyed at me. I get emotional quite easily, but I don't really like showing it, so I'll grit my teeth and try to hide it. Because I'm then bottling up the emotion, I get tense and feel I need to cut, to take away the tension. It really doesn't ever seem to be big things that set me off - the 'final straw' tends to be something that I would handle fine if I was in a normal mood, but because I'm feeling slightly low to start with, it's just too much.

That's the most depth I can think in right now. *Makes mental note to self to write down specific things that got me to that point next time I want to cut*

You said you can't avoid times like this, unless you can avoid life itself - are you sure? What events led up to this - it may have happened slowly over days or even weeks, but what were the things that built up into the state where you seriously considered SI?

I honestly don't think I can avoid the main things that make me feel rough enough to consider cutting. For a start, I tend to feel a bit low every now and then for no reason whatsoever that I can see. Unless I go to the doctors and see if there's anything they can do (which isn't gonna happen, sorry!) I can't do much about that. Also the smaller things that make me feel bad enough to cut, such as mum having a go at me, I can't do much about.

However, what I will acknowledge is that I don't handle the situation brilliantly when I'm feeling urgy. For example, the other night I wanted to SI, and I watched a film called the Ice Storm, which triggers me (and I knew it probably would). After that I turned onto a music channel and Last Resort by Papa Roach was on. Instead of watching it, I should really have just turned it off. And I shouldn't have watched the Ice Storm in the first place. I do have a bad habit of making the situation worse - I don't really know why - perhaps wallowing in my misery? (!) But I could do with getting out of the habit of doing that, its just how to?

Andi x

[nicki_98_1]

I don't think I know. There's no obvious thing - I've never been SA, my parents are happily married, I'm under a lot less pressure than I used to be now I'm at college. I suspect I have depression, but I can't see any particular reason for why I end up feeling so bad that I cut.

I often think about what you have just said, and it feels like there is no obvious thing. Your situation is different, as is each individual on bus. The point is that SI has been a part of your life and has become a coping mechanism for you, therefore any situation that results in the feelings you have before you injure, are likely to make you want to injure.

It really doesn't ever seem to be big things that set me off - the 'final straw' tends to be something that I would handle fine if I was in a normal mood, but because I'm feeling slightly low to start with, it's just too much.

I understand this completly, the final straw of things is in my experience something small and on its own may perhaps have been able to handle. I guess thats why its called the final straw. You sound as tho you bottle up your feelings and then you get to breaking point and have the need to relieve yourself of all the bad feelings that you have had over the period leading up to wantiing to self injure. Do you have a diary? perhaps writing down your daysevents and purging all the bad feelings for the day in journal form, therefore not bottling stuff up? sorry if im stepping off the mark.

However, what I will acknowledge is that I don't handle the situation brilliantly when I'm feeling urgy.

One of the first steps in dealing with a problem is acknowledging that there is a problem, by coming in the before and after forum and discussing the way you feel before allowingyourslef to do this you are acknowledging it. You are exploring the way you feel, and the questions you have answered have made you explore the other side of things, ie what would this mean tomorrow? With this kind of acknowledgment you can challenge yourself to answer the questions and challenge yourself to beat this.

Hope that i havnt said anything off the mark for you.
Thiinking of you.

Nicki x

[Wandering]

Thanks nicki - its nice to know someone else feels a similar way. What you said made a lot of sense to me, especially:

The point is that SI has been a part of your life and has become a coping mechanism for you, therefore any situation that results in the feelings you have before you injure, are likely to make you want to injure.

I hadn't thought about it like that before, but it makes sense - I guess I need to learn to recognise other things as ways of coping, so I don't instantly start thinking about cutting as soon as something bad happens.

I do have a diary, and I used to try writing in it about how I was feeling. My problem was that I'd read back over things and it would trigger me. Thinking about it though, it did help process my emotions in a harmless way, so maybe I could do it more like letters, which I could then 'post' in a box of some kind so I couldn't read over them. I'm really not very good at keeping myself in a safe place when I'm urgy, so that might deter me better than just telling myself not to read over it! Will give it a go!

Thanks again for your ideas

Andi