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tools to help you assess your urges before you give in to them, and to help you understand and learn from slips after they happen. by posting here, you're saying that you are serious about exploring the feelings behind your self-harm in depth, whether you're ready to stop hurting yourself or not. to request posting access, click usergroups above and join before and after.

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herebedragons
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Post by herebedragons » Sun Dec 26, 2004 5:10 am

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?


Maybe I'll be able to pull myself together and put on a happy face for everyone again.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
I'll feel better, but I'll feel less in control.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I don't know

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
In the past the relief would last a few days to a week. Or at least I could often go a few days to a week without doing it again. Not always. But then considering that I haven't done it in quite some time doing it now might just be the excuse I've been looking for to keep at it.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
blah. I've been doing something else for something like two hundred days now.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself I think I'll be in a better mood tomorow. If I don't I'll just keep wanting to and keep feeling low.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I don't know. I want to not be lonely, I want to not be down, I want to feel like my life is going somewhere.
Let me think about the people who I care about the most. And how when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself.” — Ze Frank

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Post by herebedragons » Sun Dec 26, 2004 5:17 am

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm depressed and I've been obsessing about cutting I just really really want to cut. What has brought me to this point? A combo of postholiday let down, loneliness and anxiety.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes lots of times. I've either cut or just slogged through it.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?


Hung out with my kids, my cats, my husband, my cats again, my kids again. Played games, read, played more games, had some holiday candy, chatted with my stepmom on IM, listened to happy music

How do I feel right now?
depressed, lonely, sad

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?


I'll have something else to concentrate on

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?


Better. Tomorow morning? I don't know, hopefully less depressed and more energetic
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?


Force all of my friends and relatives to move to the state I live in. Cure my children's nuero issues and my husband's depression, adopt new parents.
Do I need to hurt myself?
naw. it's not si vs. su this time so I can slog on through without it. which is probably what I'll do.

I need more questions.
Let me think about the people who I care about the most. And how when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself.” — Ze Frank

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Post by Alias Grace » Sun Dec 26, 2004 5:37 am

I noticed when asked what you could do to deal with this situation you picked a lot of physical remedies. So I have two questions about that.

1) You said you could: "Force all of my friends and relatives to move to the state I live in. Cure my children's nuero issues and my husband's depression, adopt new parents. " Obviously these are all a little far fetched. What are some acceptable alternatives? You can't force your loved ones to move closer to you -- what can you do?

2) What are some non-physical ways to deal with this situation?

I noticed, too, that you mention a couple times how you are "slogging through" this trying time. This seems to be your way of coping -- slogging through. I recognize that as an old coping mechanism of mine.

I found that instead of just suffering as something uncomfortable happens, I have to acknowledge it and deal with the actual stressor. Personally -- I have to say "Ok. I'm angry. This is the physical cause that I recognize. Here's why I feel the way I do about this. Here are some possible outside factors (hunger, exhaustion?). What's a way to handle this situation?"

This is kind of an awkward thing to explain...stay with me.

I get a feeling from your posts here (and I may, of course, be incorrect) that when you stopped cutting, you replaced your coping mechanism of 'cutting' with the coping mechanism of 'not cutting.' Meaning, you don't really have a back up plan for coping. You come into a situation where you would have, in the past, hurt yourself...and then you talk your way through the stressor by focusing on what you shouldn't do -- cut. I think it would be beneficial for you to add in some more positive methods. Not "I have to get through this. I have to keep myself from cutting." More "I have to get through this. I am going to (leave the room, talk to myself about the problem, mention it to my husband, etc.)"

I hope that at least a portion of this makes some relative sense.

Cheers,

Grace
"You save yourself or you remain unsaved." -- Alice Sebold

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Post by herebedragons » Sun Dec 26, 2004 6:01 am

1) You said you could: "Force all of my friends and relatives to move to the state I live in. Cure my children's nuero issues and my husband's depression, adopt new parents. " Obviously these are all a little far fetched. What are some acceptable alternatives? You can't force your loved ones to move closer to you -- what can you do?

2) What are some non-physical ways to deal with this situation?


Well I've made a lot of effort to get along with the parents that I currently have and we actually have a decent relationship it just takes a lot out of me to deal with them. So I think I'm on the right track there. As far as my kiddos issues we're doing what we can- going to doctors, they've got therapies and special ed it's just disheartening, the longer things go on the more obvious it is that their issues aren't going to disappear. Well in my son's case with the ADHD/learning disabilities/whatever else he may actually be able to get past those things, at least learn to deal with them in such a way that they won't get in his way so much. I don't know what to do about my husband's depression, I can't cure my own. It's a helpless feeling not to be able to do anything about it, just like it's a helpless feeling not to be able to help my kids more or make my dad stop drinking. I really don't like helpless. I keep up with most of my loved ones who are out of state but it's not the same as having them here. I am trying to make new friends and keep up the friendships here but it's not the same. I wish I had more people around me who have known me for a while, who have some kind of history with me. I miss my mom and everyone that I haven't seen in a long time, the holidays just make it worse. We can't afford to travel and of course no ammount of money could get us to see my mom. I am doing a lot of the things that I should do to deal with these issues I guess I'm just impacient.
I noticed, too, that you mention a couple times how you are "slogging through" this trying time. This seems to be your way of coping -- slogging through. I recognize that as an old coping mechanism of mine.

I found that instead of just suffering as something uncomfortable happens, I have to acknowledge it and deal with the actual stressor. Personally -- I have to say "Ok. I'm angry. This is the physical cause that I recognize. Here's why I feel the way I do about this. Here are some possible outside factors (hunger, exhaustion?). What's a way to handle this situation?"
Well as much as possible I try to just push these issues down, sometimes they just pile up on me all at once. If I can get through the times when I am feeling low I can get back to not dealing with them. Hmm..that sounded better in my head than it looks written out.

I get a feeling from your posts here (and I may, of course, be incorrect) that when you stopped cutting, you replaced your coping mechanism of 'cutting' with the coping mechanism of 'not cutting.' Meaning, you don't really have a back up plan for coping. You come into a situation where you would have, in the past, hurt yourself...and then you talk your way through the stressor by focusing on what you shouldn't do -- cut. I think it would be beneficial for you to add in some more positive methods. Not "I have to get through this. I have to keep myself from cutting." More "I have to get through this. I am going to (leave the room, talk to myself about the problem, mention it to my husband, etc.)"

I hope that at least a portion of this makes some relative sense.
There's a lot of truth in that. I haven't found anything else that works as well or as quickly as cutting or burning. SI was such an immediate fix and it always worked. I try other coping mechanisms and sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. Most of the time they work but after a while the system breaks down. I guess all of my coping mechanisms are aimed at distracting me and keeping myself from cutting..hmmm. That's very true. As far as dealing with things I think that I just don't have the tools to do that. I mean I've kind of gotten to the point where any support system has kind of deminished to the point where the only people I can lean on are dirrectly involved in what is going on. I don't know how this happened. I used to have a lot of close friends, I've always been a fairly social person inspite of myself (because I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to dealing with people) I think that somewhere along the lines I couldn't juggle everything and friendships were the ball I dropped. Other than my husband I really don't have any friends in my day to day life. I need to fix that but that's hard when I'm being overwelmed by life. I mean I'm not exacty a catch friendwise right now.

I have made steps though, I've visited churches trying to find one that's a good fit for us thinking we could meet people that way. I'm on friendly terms with quite a few of the other mother's at my son's school, I've taken a more active roll in our neighborhood's block association. I guess my new years resolution will be to make some actual friends out of some of my friendly aquaintnences. That won't solve much but at least I wouldn't feel so lonely.
Let me think about the people who I care about the most. And how when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself.” — Ze Frank

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Post by herebedragons » Sun Dec 26, 2004 6:17 am

I think I've nailed down the why a bit better. I want to cut because I'm lonely, I'm lonely because I hardly ever have any contact with anyone any more. My husband spends 90% of the time he's home with his headphones on playing computer games. We probably won't get together with my inlaws again until next summer when the kids have their birthdays inspite of the fact that we live in the same town. My parents would be over here all the time if we let them but it's hard enough to deal with them once a month or so. I have no friends in town.
Let me think about the people who I care about the most. And how when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself.” — Ze Frank

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Post by Wandering » Sun Dec 26, 2004 5:57 pm

I don't know what to do about my husband's depression, I can't cure my own
Is he doing anything about it? Is he on meds or getting counselling or anything? If not would he be willing too? Obviously having your partner depressed isn't gonna help your situation, because it brings you down seeing someone you love in a bad way. And how about you? Are you getting any help for it, because its likely not something you can 'cure' on your own. Especially if you've got a lot of stress because of the issues your children, husband and dad have, it would probably help to have someone you can talk to, without feeling guilty that you're focussing on you. Maybe seeing a counsellor for you would be beneficial
I am trying to make new friends and keep up the friendships here but it's not the same. I wish I had more people around me who have known me for a while, who have some kind of history with me.
I know what you're saying by it not being the same, and it being harder because they haven't known you for a long time, but there's probably not much of a way round that - if your old friends aren't gonna move to near you, you're going to have to start somewhere with new ones. Well done for making the effort to get involved in things - you will make friends out of them even if it isn't immediate. And do you keep in touch with old friends? ie by email. Being able to speak to people who do know you well would probably help while you build new friendships? I wouldn't worry too much about thinking you've let the friendships drop - I suspect people would be glad to hear more from you again
Well as much as possible I try to just push these issues down, sometimes they just pile up on me all at once. If I can get through the times when I am feeling low I can get back to not dealing with them. Hmm..that sounded better in my head than it looks written out.
Unfortunately pushing them down isn't going to get rid of them, (as I'm sure you noticed :wink:) however much you try to ignore them, and they will keep coming back at you. Would journalling help you process the issues and emotions maybe? Or go have a look at the list of coping techniques and try to work out which ones would help you look at the cause and process it rather than just get you through the emotion.

Take care of you

Andi
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