Butterfly Effect

[dinoblife]

this probably needs a little warning *si* and such


I watched this movie a few nights ago alone. It surprised me how good it was - and how much I cried lol. Anyway, some of the scenes were pretty hard to watch/imagine. I’ve never been abused as a child, but I’ve always had horrible nightmares of some things that docs have said could have happened, but I doubt it, I think it just scared me when I found out a family friend was a child molester and that f’d with my head.
Anyway, after watching it I fell asleep and had horrible sweety nightmares and one in particular that kind of went with the whole plot of the movie.
I had fallen asleep and woke up almost 4 years ago, back in the hospital. I had hospital scrubs on and my roommate K* was rocking back and forth on her bed. I was freaking out cause I couldn’t figure out what was going on at first. But then I realized I had gone back in time.
It was just so weird because, I wished it would happen. I got to go back in time, and know exactly what was going to happen, and what I could change. For instance, a certain boyfriend I would have never given the time of day had I known what he’d turn out to be/do. And of course the guy I’m with now, I would have been able to get with him earlier lol cause he had liked me that whole time and I couldn’t even tell. I would have worked harder on my grades and I would have tried to keep in touch with the friends I had made.
Anyway, the dream made me upset too though because I was able to go back, knowing what I had already done and it wasn’t going to really change anything, I felt it was okay to SI. And the dream triggered me really bad. I ended up waking up when In my dream I did it too deep.
When I woke up I wasn’t in the best frame of mind, and I started looking for my tools. After turning on the light however, I realized I wasn’t in my old room anymore, I wasn’t in my old house, my old life. This was the new, responsible me... who through out all the tools and journals and anything material that embellished my life before March of this year.

I regret throwing out the journals and photographs and things, but I’m happy - as frustrating as it gets - that I through out the tools.

No w that I live with my boyfriend, I can’t, I just CAN’T let myself do that again. But I also can’t do the weird things that help me cope either cause I don’t want to freak him out - like drawing on myself with red pens or markers, or drawing on paper vicious horrible drawings, or just bawling my freakin eyes out, or even coming here. I don’t want him to worry about me.
Hell, I almost feel like I’m going behind his back coming on here while he’s at work.
Which is foolish because he’s had a problem with SI and other things in his past as well so he’s understanding - I just feel bad about wanting to do it still, and needing support. Even though nothings really wrong in my life now.

I don’t know, that didn’t exactly go anywhere did it, guess I just wanted to write to someone
~Dino

[nirvana]

hey there... i'm sorry the movie gave you nightmares and triggered you. i think butterfly effect's an amazing movie, but i'll admit i was triggered too, with the flashbacks. but i'm glad you didn't return to old habits and use your tools. that's wonderful. i hope you feel better.

love, tara.

[aroobixcube]

the butterfly effect is a good movie, but i also found it very difficult to watch, i didnt understand alot of it coz i was hiding from what i could see and hear.

i feel if a film triggers you, u shd keep away from it, for me, its the secutary.