Well that was clever...

[Wandering]

I'd made it nearly 11 months then I messed up. I don't like how I'm feeling right now, and I don't trust myself, so I'm gonna try to do something about it.

what had happened just before?
I had had a hard week - for no particular reason I'd been thinking about cutting more than usual. That day I'd just been in an odd state of mind - again for no real reason, but I was just restless, I wanted to cut, I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I could have done with talking to someone but couldn't

what were you thinking and feeling?
I was stressing about how much college work I had. I was stressing about my future (I finish college in summer and have no idea what I'll be doing after that). I had SI on the brain, and was debating whether or not to cut - I didn't want to break my 10 1/2 months, but I was so desperate to cut. I was weighing the pros and cons

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
Yeh, i was very close to deciding to cut, closer than I had been for months, then my mum picked that particular moment to have a go at me about something (I can't remember what it was - it was that important!) That made me feel I'd had enough - I didn't want to 'cope' any longer.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I could have made more of an effort to speak to someone, anyone, though I don't honestly believe it would have made a difference - I had already tried talking to one of my friends and I just couldn't talk, if that makes sense. I didn't know how/why I was feeling like that myself, so I couldn't put it into words for someone else. I guess I could have made myself stay around other people when my mum had a go at me, but for a start that would probably have led to me hitting her, and secondly I'd have cut later - I couldn't stay around others forever.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Nope, well, just too much college work and mum getting on my back, neither of which I can do much about

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried talking to someone, but couldn't, so the effect was nil. Apart from that I'll admit I did very little - I'd given up to some extent - I was too tired mentally to fight the urge any longer

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I could have made more of an effort to talk to someone. Though I don't think it would necessarily have helped. I could have stayed around people, but the only person was my mother and I think I'd have ended up hitting her if she'd carried on, so maybe not such a good plan! Also, they weren't urges that would go away in an hour or so, I had had them for the last day or two, and they were gonna stay for a good few more unless I did something about it. I didn't have the strength to weather them this time. Walk the dog, read the bible, draw.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Well it wasn't that I forgot them. I just couldn't be bothered to put off cutting by doing them. I suppose in future I could remind myself of the times they have got me through.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I'm still stressed about college work, the future, and mum is still getting at me. I can't see what I can do about it really. I try to just get on with a sensible amount of work, but its not really optional. I try to avoid mum if she's in a bad mood, but its not always practical.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yep. I can tell you when I'm heading towards it. I'll start thinking about cutting, railway lines will start looking inviting. I'll get restless, and my sleeping will get worse. It'll get worse and worse over about 3 days, with every little thing adding to it. If I cut, I'll feel ok. If I don't, it'll last about a week then I'll feel slightly better, more in control. And a week or so later it'll happen again.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Groom my dog. Read the bible. I know thats only two, but I can't think of anything else I can honestly commit to. But those I will.

Thanks for reading and for suggestions - contrary to what some of this post sounds like, I do want to stop SI. I just get so tired of fighting it. And I don't know how to keep myself going when I've given up?

Andi x

[dreams]

Hi Andi, first I wanted to say that you have done amazingly to make it to over ten months. That is an achievement to be proud of.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried talking to someone, but couldn't,

Was this because no-one was ‘available’ or because you couldn’t bring yourself to talk to someone?

Is there anyway you could overcome this next time?

I suppose in future I could remind myself of the times they have got me through.

Very good idea. Perhaps you could keep some sort of diary of successful times when these coping methods (other than SI) have help you get through a difficult period and then when your feeling like SI is the only option you have something to read through that shows you other things have helped in the past and may help again.

I'm still stressed about college work,

Is there anyway you could plan out your college work. Like some sort of timetable or something so that you can break it down into more manageable chunks and it wouldn’t stress you out so much. I know that I have just been given my essay title for the year (I do a science degree and essays do NOT agree with me) so I am already thinking of breaking it down into little chunks and setting myself deadlines for each chunk that way the whole task seems less stressful (like getting books for research, writing notes from books, planning paragraphs and then writing each paragraph etc)

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Groom my dog. Read the bible. I know that’s only two, but I can't think of anything else I can honestly commit to. But those I will.

Well done for making that commitment that’s a great step. There are many more ideas I’m sure you’ve heard of on the coping forum:

Laura’s vast list of coping strategies
151 things to do before you SI

Maybe there is something in there that stands out to you and is something new to try.

I’m sorry if this hasn’t helped any but I thought I would say that I have read and you are doing really well.

Dreams

[Wendy]

Hey Andi,

I know how tiring it can be fighting the urge and how much easier to just give in. I've done too much of that myself lately. I really did quit once though and stayed si free for 11 years. And I really do mean free -- I wasn't thinking about it or urgy or anything after the first breaking away. So hang it there you can do this! I'd like to suggest reaching out to a trusted person for your third safety net. Pet and Bible reading are fantastic, but sometimes we need someone we can see and touch to validate our pain. I really think for me SI tends to be the tears I don't share with anyone else. We all need that validation in our lives.

Take gentle care!
Wendy

[Wandering]

Thankyou for your replies - sorry I've not come back sooner but my computer decided to die on me.

andi wrote:
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried talking to someone, but couldn't,


Was this because no-one was ‘available’ or because you couldn’t bring yourself to talk to someone?

Is there anyway you could overcome this next time?

I tried talking to one of my friends, who knows I SI, but I couldn't find any words to express how I was feeling - I didn't really know how I felt myself, so I gave up. The person I could possibly have managed better talking to wasn't around. But having said that, I could have phoned them. But I find it really hard to actually 'do' something to talk to someone - if they ask me then that's fine, but I find it hard to go up to them/phone them and say I need to talk. I guess its the whole low self esteem thing - I feel like I'm putting them out, and I don't want to be a pain.

Very good idea. Perhaps you could keep some sort of diary of successful times when these coping methods (other than SI) have help you get through a difficult period and then when your feeling like SI is the only option you have something to read through that shows you other things have helped in the past and may help again

Will give it a go

Is there anyway you could plan out your college work. Like some sort of timetable or something so that you can break it down into more manageable chunks and it wouldn’t stress you out so much

I already do this to some extent - I tend to list down each small thing I need to do so I can cross things off frequently, so I feel like I'm getting somewhere. I'm hoping that once I've broken up for christmas I'll have a little less on my plate.

Well done for making that commitment that’s a great step. There are many more ideas I’m sure you’ve heard of on the coping forum:

Laura’s vast list of coping strategies
151 things to do before you SI

Maybe there is something in there that stands out to you and is something new to try.

I'll go have another read of these, and I'll see if I can write down some new ones to try.

. I really did quit once though and stayed si free for 11 years. And I really do mean free -- I wasn't thinking about it or urgy or anything after the first breaking away. So hang it there you can do this!

Thankyou! I needed to hear that.

So hang it there you can do this! I'd like to suggest reaching out to a trusted person for your third safety net

I have tried. And I know I have some lovely people who care for me and would do all they can to help me. The problem lies with me not feeling like I can call them when I'm feeling rough - I know they would be pleased to help but I feel I'm bringing them down. I guess I need to make more of an effort to talk to them when I'm low, but I can't make myself?

Thankyou both again so much for your replies, and to everyone who read - I really appreciate it.

Andi