After . . .

[PoisonIvy]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes

what had happened just before?
I was just in my room, thinking, typing, having thoughts go threw my head. It's been a bad day, I got up early, I had a cold walk home, I couldn't get to sleep once I got home, the phone kept ringing not for me. I felt lonely, like I had no one to talk to and that everyone that I could talk to isn't really my friend, they are just around me for their own selfish reasons. I still feel this way

what were you thinking and feeling?
I felt lonely, like I had no one to talk to and that everyone that I could talk to isn't really my friend, they are just around me for their own selfish reasons. I still feel this way. I typed a large letter, to myself, about what ifs, and maybes. I got so down. I couldn't cry. I wanted to cry, I just couldn't. I haven't cried in well over 6 months.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
Last time that I wanted to SI I did, I haven't had any will power lately. In a way, I don't care if I don't stop. It'd be nice, but I don't know, lately I've needed it.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
At one point during typing, I decided that I wasen't going to, I calmed myself down and I just talked to myself out loud. I went back to typing, and I wrote about how people would be pleased if they knew. It triggered me back to what I had written ealier about how I have no real friends and whatnot, and I just pulled out a knife to clean it. I couldn't help it.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I stopped taking meds when I met my current boyfriend, we've been together for about 4 months. I plan to start again, maybe, i'm still indecisive. I don't want to think that my happiness is dependent upon a drug. I did have a lack of sleep, and I've just been overall pretty down lately. I can't really do much about my sleep, its just been hell for me lately, I either sleep ALL THE TIME over never. I just wish that it would all straighten out. About my moods, I suppose it's expected, I have finals next week and I haven't been to class in almost 2 months. I just feel like theres so much to lead up to all that I'm feeling.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I wrote a letter to myself. I see a phycologist, and I really like him. He's really helped a lot, and I just got to thinking about cutting and whatnot and I thought that I would write down my thoughts and maybe show him after or, tell him about it. Something. I got a little carried away and wrote a few pages. I decided not to show him. It worked pretty well at first, I might try it again if things aren't so bad.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I could have asked for help or phoned someone. I just hate doing that. I feel like such a baby. Plus, I find that it usually makes it worse, no one really knows how to help me, Hell, I don't even know how to help myself.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
There isn't anything I can do. I have no one to go to.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
The whole situation feels like its dragging me drown. I feel like i'm being pulled under the water with no one to save me. I don't know where to go or who I am suppose to talk to. My life is in shambles. I don't even know if I have all the pieces let allone trying to put it back together. In a way I am glad that I SIed just because I got to get away from it for awhile. For a moment in time I was ok. Now I just seem to be back right where I was. I really need someone, but I don't know where to go. I hate this.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, I'm here all the time lately. Its easy to reconize, I just wish I could get rid of it, all of it.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will . . .
go to the kitchen and make some food just to get out my room.
try to write happier thoughts.
when/if i do get relaxed, I will walk away from what i have written.

[Wendy]

Hey Poisen Ivy,

I'm glad you posted here. Sorry about the cutting --I know how it is sometimes. I also understand about not even being sure you want to quit. I'm pretty much in the same place of needing to cry and not being able to get to the tears, so I have no wise words there. I hope you keep reaching out. Bringing it up with your therapist sounds good -- I actually called mine tonight instead of cutting. Felt really foolish, but I haven't cut. It's hard to reach out for help, but necessary. We all need validation. I think we also need a safe place before the tears are going to come up. Take care of yourself.

Hugs,
Wendy

[PoisonIvy]

Thank you so much for writing. No one seemed to reply, and I was really starting to feel as though no one cared. Its good to be proven wrong. I'm happy to know that I'm not allone, sometimes I feel like the only one in the world going through these things, feeling, or not feeling the things that I do.

Thank you, you really don't know what it means,

Meagan

[Wendy]

Hey Poisen Ivy,

You're definately not alone. I've been fighting off the urges for 2 days now. I know sometimes, you don't even want to fight them off. If I didn't have a complete physical scheduled for tomorrow, I dont' know if I'd have managed to resisit. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need some support or need to vent. I'm not on line when my husband is off work, because he doesn't know about BUS or my SI, but if I'm on, I'll definately respond. You take gentle care!

Hugs,
Wendy