before

[eunomia]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

the situation won't change; i'll just have relief from feeling like this for a while.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

it will release some of the tension in me
it will punish me and part of me feels i need that
it will allow me some time away from thinking about this

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

hurting myself is the opposite of what i want in the long run

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

i think the relief will be extremely short-lived
afterwards i will feel worse. i'll probably SI again once i've given in, i won't feel that there's any reason to hold myself back. that scares me.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i could have a shower, get dressed and tidy the house that would at least make me feel slightly more productive and less of a lazy layabout
i could practise my drumming. the action of hitting something will help release some tension, but i may get annoyed that i'm not good enough at it
i'm at someone else's house (cat-sitting) so i don't have my CDs but if i can find some angry music, i might jump around to that
i can play with the cats
if i can do enough things to distract myself until late afternoon (it's now mid-morning) then i should be ok because after that i won't be on my own and it should be easier to keep myself from doing anything

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

i'll feel awful tomorrow if i hurt myself now. tomorrow should be day 130 without SI. if it ends up being day 1, i'll be extremely angry and disappointed with myself. i know that giving in now won't just lead to one "slip" followed by more SI-free time; it will lead to a big SI spree. i think giving in now will also throw my mood
if i don't hurt myself now, i'll be pleased tomorrow. i can wait till thursday and talk about this with my counsellor, which will be more productive

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i'm going to try my hardest not to SI

[limestone]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

the situation won't change; i'll just have relief from feeling like this for a while.

What is it about the situation that prompts you to think about si?

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

it will release some of the tension in me
it will punish me and part of me feels i need that
it will allow me some time away from thinking about this

^^ what is it specifically about the situation that prompts you to want release and punishment? You mention wanting time away from thinking about this - do you mean si or something else? What would happen if you did think about it and attacked it with problem solving? Is it something you can solve today or does it need a plan to be used over a few days etc?

[eunomia]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

the situation won't change; i'll just have relief from feeling like this for a while.

What is it about the situation that prompts you to think about si?

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

it will release some of the tension in me
it will punish me and part of me feels i need that
it will allow me some time away from thinking about this

^^ what is it specifically about the situation that prompts you to want release and punishment? You mention wanting time away from thinking about this - do you mean si or something else? What would happen if you did think about it and attacked it with problem solving? Is it something you can solve today or does it need a plan to be used over a few days etc?

thank you for replying the 'situation' is basically ED/body image stuff, so those trigs apply...

*ED*



i feel guilty about binges over the last few days. i'm unhappy with the way i look and i deal with that by eating more and i end up going round in circles, comfort-eating myself into more misery. i was thinking about all of this earlier, fuelling my dislike of my body with dislike of myself for not doing anything to combat it - and doing things that are completely counterproductive.
what made me think about SI...all these thoughts made me feel frustrated and angry, and i could feel the tension from that throughout my body. when i feel like that, SI just pops into my head. it's very visual - as soon as i feel that way, i get an image in my head of me doing [SI behaviour]. it's been a coping mechanism for so long that feeling a certain way will automatically make me want to SI, often before i've recognised that it's what i want to do...it's like scratching an itch

i wanted some immediate release from those feelings - something that will work *now*. i feel incredibly frustrated about how little control i seem to have over myself with regard to ED stuff that i wanted to do something that would give me immediate results.
i wanted to punish myself for my eating behaviour over the last few days.
i wanted a brief respite from thinking about food and my appearance.
so it wasn't something that could be solved today...or in a few days...it's a long-term tackling of ED stuff that i feel very stuck in a rut with at the moment.
i think also...while i do mention to my counsellor that, say, i've binged (and/or purged) or that i've been drinking too much alcohol, it's not something we really discuss as being a genuine problem. i have been making progress recently, but i'm still having major issues with food and alcohol that don't seem to bother her. i think part of me felt that i would get more recognition if i went and told her i'd SId, especially since she knows i haven't done that for a while. almost as if i'm trying to prove that i'm still messed up, and deny that i've made any progress...because i'm frustrated at the things i'm still doing
i guess i need to talk to her about all of this next week

[Laura]

Can totally relate to the thing of wanting to prove that you're "still messed up". Often getting better can be really scary, especially when people and professionals start assuming progress is fasterthan it really is. It does seems wrong to me that she doesn't see your ED and alcohol behaviour as important - it's good that you're going to talk to her about that, and do also explain to her that just because you're managing not to SI it doesn't mean everything's fine.

i'm going to try my hardest not to SI

Go Eunomia, you have lots of good reasons, and you can do it!

Love Laura

[eunomia]

thanks, laura