before.

[herebedragons]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

It won't. Ultimately I can't do anything about the situation.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I might be less distracted, I might be better able to cope.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I just want to get through in the short run. I can't deal with the long run unless I get through the short run.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I don't know, I never know how long the relief will last. I don't know what I'll do.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

continue on like I have been. it won't change the situation I'm in. Nothing will change the situation.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

less numb? more in control? guilty? I don't even know.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't know.

well that was productive. I'll do the second list.

[herebedragons]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?

I'm depressed and don't know what to do with those feelings.

What has brought me to this point?

that's a really huge question. Short answer- I feel helpless to protect my children from whatever is causing their nuerological problems. Everything is just piling up until it's so much. I'm lonely. My husband is depressed. It feels like it's just never ending. I just want my kids to be ok and I can't make them ok.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I don't know if I've been exactly here. I've been depressed and overwhelmed and numb before. I've cut, I've not cut, I've cried I've tried to kill myself, I've tried to talk it out.

How did I feel. in order cutting- better but guilty, not cut- not much better but didn't feel guilty at least, cried-drained, tried to kill myself- guilty, talk it out-wait have I done that? not sure. no one to talk to right now though.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far?

Watched a funny movie with my kids
listened to music
cleaned
went thrift shopping
cleaned some more
pet our cats

What else can I do that won't hurt me?

How do I feel right now?

depressed
lonely
hopeless
numb

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

I don't know, I hope I would feel relief, I'm afraid it won't help

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

no and I don't know.

Do I need to hurt myself?

no but I don't know what else to do. I just need to slog through this like always I just need to get through this and then I don't know what. It will just happen again.

[herebedragons]

Ok I looked up some stuff about Fragile X on the internet and read it.

I cried a bit and prayed a bit and feel somewhat better. Not sure how long it will last I still want to cut but I don't feel as numb.

[Laura]

Hiya

Am not too sure what to say here (gosh, it occurs to me that the B&A mods are really good at replying to these.... I find it's quite hard. )

Am sorry you're finding it tough. I do see how for you SI isn't intended to be a long term decision, it's just something that can help right now. Do you think that if you do slog through for long enough that the need will pass? You've done a lot of good things to get this far, I commend you for that. It would be great if you managed to ride out this difficult time and come out the other side. Maybe plan something nice to reward yourself if you get that far?

Take care, am thinking of you
Love Laura

[herebedragons]

Thanks for replying. I think things will improve once we get some more answers. I mean if the answers are bad then things will go downhill for a bit but in the long run if we know what we are dealing with at least we will have some dirrection to go in. We could work through the feelings and move on, this not knowing is just getting really old. The worst part is feeling helpless. I guess much of the reason I want to SI is for the feeling of control. I have no control over this situation as it stands and am not likely to get any. I mean yes once we know what is going on maybe we will know better what kind of help the kiddos need (my son espessially since my daughter's issues are pretty well being taken care of aside from the possible siezure activity.) But we can't make their problems go away and that is so hard as a parent. To see that something is hurting your child and not be able to stop it is the worst feeling.

[herebedragons]

As far as slogging through it- yeah that seems to be the only sollution. Unfortunately we won't know about the chromosome tests for a few more weeks and that's a lot of slogging.

[herebedragons]

Putting this in the same thread, same urge different day, still "Before" though so that's something I guess.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

stress on top of stress on top of not knowing. I think just getting close to doing it makes it seem that much more like an option, it's kind of self perpetuating that way.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

why yes, fairly recently.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

hung out with my kiddos which helped a lot today during the day
hung out with my husband this evening
rewatched a favorite TV show with my husband picked it apart which is always fun
washed dishes
pet cats

How do I feel right now?

depressed, numb, tired

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

better, relieved, calm, in control, mainly relieved

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Imediately after- calmer, able to sleep
tomorow morning? calmer but also possibly disappointed and/or defeated which I might use as an excuse to give up on giving up SI

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Can't avoid it, hopefully I could deal with it better espessially once we have more information

Do I need to hurt myself?

Ugh, I hate this question. I never need to. I really, really want to but that doesn't add up to a need. I wish I could. I feel so sure that it would help. I can't find a good replacement for SI, something that gives me what SI did, I can't think of anything as instant acting or calming or soothing. I guess I kind of suck at coping which is the point. I feel like I'm in a holding pattern. I'm tired of trying not to, it's just one more thing that takes my energy and stresses me out and I don't need it right now with everything else that's going on. It's like how I imagine quiting smoking is.

[eunomia]

gosh, it occurs to me that the B&A mods are really good at replying to these.... I find it's quite hard.

*completely agrees*

To see that something is hurting your child and not be able to stop it is the worst feeling.

the feelings of helplessness, or lack of control etc must be incredibly frustrating. i can only imagine. i think the fact that you're trying to go with SI in these circumstances is impressive, and i hope you have some resolution to this soon.

obviously, ignore any of these questions if i'm probing too much...
do you talk to your husband about how you feel - about your worries, your fear, your frustration etc? do you share any of this?
or can you talk openly with friends?
just wondering if venting about how this is *really* making you feel would help provide some release. i'm assuming you're trying to hold things together in front of your kids, but are you allowing yourself to 'let go' at all? are you trying to 'overcontrol' your feelings? how you feel is completely understandable in the circumstances, and you should let yourself recognise that.
you say your husband is depressed - is that an extra burden on you? something else that you have no control over? again, is that something you can talk to him honestly about?

is there anything else you can do that would give you some feeling of having control, however minimal and however unrelated?
part of me wants to say, can you accept that this is something over which you simply can't have control, but i realise that's incredibly easy for me to say, and in some ways rather patronising.

i hope you're doing ok, and, like laura, i commend you for exploring what's going on here.

[herebedragons]

do you talk to your husband about how you feel - about your worries, your fear, your frustration etc? do you share any of this?

We do talk about it but he seems at least as depressed by all of this as I am and I don't want to burden him more. If he knew I wanted to cut or that I was feeling really depressed I think it would just make him feel worse.

or can you talk openly with friends?

I don't have a lot of friends anymore, we've been rather socially isolated for a while. I tried talking about it with one of my friends but she tends to deal with it by being in denial. She's my daughter's Godmother but she's only seen the kiddos twice in the last couple of years and yet she's trying to tell me that she doesn't think there is anything going on with my son. I guess that will be the one consolation if he does have Fragile X- it's hard to argue with a chromosome test. Of course this is the same person who, when I called her the day my daughter was diagnosed with Autism said "It's just autism, it's not so bad" Most of my other friends are long distance or just not such close friends that I feel comfortable opening up with them. I did call my SIL and talk with her a bit which helped some.

just wondering if venting about how this is *really* making you feel would help provide some release. i'm assuming you're trying to hold things together in front of your kids, but are you allowing yourself to 'let go' at all?

I vent here

are you trying to 'overcontrol' your feelings? how you feel is completely understandable in the circumstances, and you should let yourself recognise that.

I recognise that but after a certain point those feelings aren't useful.