My Before Urge Has Changed

[2banana]

I am new to the forum so I am nervous. I have been SI for about 1 year and just came out of the closet 2 days ago. My therapist new I was SI but thought it was a recent development. I SI when I become stressed. I start thinking how worthless I am (all of my mothers talk in my head) I have alot of abuse issues that I am working on that have actually increased the SI. I go throught the steps when I get an urge, swim, warm bath, herbal tea, journal. But usually it does not help and I SI, I used to get such relief, chaos went away, I felt in control and I liked the feeling, it does not hurt. But I know the behavior is not healthy and I want to stop. Now I get some relief but it is very short lived and the bad feelings are still there. I want the urge to go away. I feel such shame after I do it. Which just compounds the fact that I feel worthless.

[kazeldya]

Do you SI mostly at night or another certain time of day? Sometimes it helps me to think about how I'll feel in the morning: better if I don't, worse if I do.

[Tiarin]

hello, and welcome.

i think it's fabulous that you can see the behavior as unhealthy and are wanting to stop. as part of working toward that, i hope this can be a place where you don't have to feel ashamed about it. my experience (which seems to match what you're saying at the end about shame and feeling worthless) is that hating yourself for what you're doing only leaves you more vulnerable to doing it again. you wouldn't be doing this if it weren't helping you somehow, and i've found that the most helpful approach is to look (compassionately) at how it's helping.

do you know what it is that you're looking for when you feel worthless that si helps you with? (for example, does it distract you from the feeling, make you feel better about yourself, etc.)

take good care.

dragonfly