are you real with yourself?

[limestone]

I read last week how when you talk to yourself you can do it in a way that appears to be 'real' in relation to your feelings, motivations, desires or what the situation really is, but in fact isn't you just end up trying to persuade yourself to believe in something that isn't true.

so, how do you know when you're being real with yourself?

I'd be interested to know what people think about this as I see there being a link with this topic and the essence of what the coping forum tries to tackle: coping with your feelings - how can you cope if you're not entirely sure what it is your feeling and to what extent that can be trusted.

[Space_Man]

Do you speak of lying to oneself, or the inability to fully understand what one is feeling in the first place?

[Stellaria]

Very good question, and I have no good answer as I'm very confused myself on the subject.

How do I know what to believe in when I have conflicting thoughts and feelings on something?

How do I know if when I'm telling myself to tough it out, I'm being disciplined and realistic, or self-invalidating and destructive? How do I know when I'm being accepting of my own limitations that I'm not just copping out? How do I strike a balance between reality-checking my thoughts against what other people have to say about the situation, and not depend too heavily on the opinions of others? How do I trust my own judgement when experience tells me it can't always be trusted?

Anyway, thanks for giving me something to think about.

[limestone]

Do you speak of lying to oneself, or the inability to fully understand what one is feeling in the first place?

I meant how the inability to full understand what you are feeling can lead to lying to yourself which creates confusion and indecision. When you are young things are very black and white but later on things become contradictions which make it hard to figure out what the best course of action is. And then when you feel like wanting to just do something to change the situation you are in but then get loads of 'theorical' reasons not to - I wonder if they function to lie to yourself about what you really want to do. Because if you said what you want to do and realise you can't do it then you settle for less but you dress up differently so it becomes almost lying.

Thanks stellaria for also replying

[Needles]

I'm good at lying. To myself, to other people, whatever, i lied to myself about si for years, e.g. - that's not "cutting yourself" it's just a scratch, only when I nearly bled to death did I actually say yes, fine, i confess. Etc.

And the terrifying thing is, now I know I can lie to myself fairly convincingly it's hard (nearly impossible) to know what the truth is. But then I am slightly schizophrenic so I wouldn't trust me (or my other half) on anything really...depends which bit is writing of course!

Anyway, now I've terrified and confused everyone still further I'll be going!

Needles the - the most apt emoticon yet!

[Space_Man]

…And then when you feel like wanting to just do something to change the situation you are in but then get loads of 'theorical' reasons not to…it becomes almost lying.

Wow! I’m not entirely sure that I’m following you, but let me ask this: You sound as if you judge those “loads of theorical reasons not to” as being less valid than the feelings of “wanting to just do something to change.” Are you saying that some feelings actually betray us into lying to ourselves?

[limestone]

Are you saying that some feelings actually betray us into lying to ourselves?

yes. it makes it hard to know if you're doing the right thing. it's painful and confusing and questions your life-reality.

[Bateau ivre]

I know my whole problem is that I never think anything positive about myself, but nothing is completely negative all the time. Why am I the exception?

That doesn’t make sense. So something about me must be positive. Ha ha! Logic!

I found that once if I stepped outside my mind for awhile and faced it as if it were a separate entity, I could make more sense of it. I (the logical part of my mind) could even speak to it (the illogcal part of my mind) as if it were a person. “No, you’re wrong. You need to stop.”

I can't trust my mind, so I watch it carefully. Such craziness can keep one sane.

[real]

I'm very glad that I stumbled upon this thread while looking for something else. Great questions Limestone, & Stellaria, too.

BTW, I chose my BUS name for the sorts of "reality" questions you're talking about

I'm far too tired to think about or answer ATM, but I wanted to say something…

later on things become contradictions which make it hard to figure out what the best course of action is

I believe that things seem contradictary because we are not seeing the bigger picture, or whatever; that at a "higher level" these things are not contradictory. In a way, they complement each other, like in the (Zen?) teaching story of two "opposite/contradictory" hands being needed to clap. This probably isn't much help, I realise, because it's hard to transcend the contradictions to find the higher level.

Thought provoking questions. Thanks.

[nirvana]

i like to think i'm honest to myself, but i'm not sure how anyone can ever really tell. because as you said, you see things from a different prospective depending on how they affect you. if something upsets or angers me, i'm less likely to think rationally about the situation.

i think emotions and feelings definately motivate people to act differently. if you didn't feel betrayed/angered/hurt by somebody, you wouldn't seek revenge, would you? but i'll be the first to admit that i act very impulsively. if somebody pisses me off, i let them know right away. only problem is, i hardly ever take the time to calm down before i react to things. if i would wait sometimes, i could avoid sticky situations.

it helps me to just look at the facts. of course my response and emotions are important, but those can change in a few minutes or hours. but of course, i always feel right about the situation, like everyone else is wrong. i guess i'm stubborn. but i've lied to myself about things before, and that's the one thing i've been working on. if i can't be honest to myself, how can i be honest to other people?

i sortof lost my point, but i think most of that makes sense. i might be back if i remember.

x tara.