I'm such a freak. Another urge, this one odd.

[kurdt_kobain]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I just want a mark on my body. It disgusts me to look down at my arms and see them without thin red lines of blood. I want to ruin my body. I want to ruin myself. I want to capture myself in a ruined body and I want to spit on myself and hate myself.

I want someone to cut me.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

See, I was talking to Alex and we played a game and innocently I asked him if he'd ever cut anyone, and he said he would if they asked him to. I want to ask him now. I'm so triggered. I want to say, you know, you know those blades? Can you cut me with them? I don't know why I feel this way. I kind of want my punishment to come from another person. I want someone else to take a role in hurting me.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I'm probably going to go up and SI. This is such an odd feeling. I don't know why I'm feeling this way.


How do I feel right now?

Like I want to be hurt. I want to be shoved down, beat up and abused.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

A little better because I have been hurt.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Satisfied that I've punished myself and there is more cuts on my arm and I'll have another mark. I dunno. When I'm upset even having scars helps calm me down.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

No, I can't. I don't know how to avoid it.

Do I need to hurt myself?

Yes. No. I don't need to. I want to. I want to so badly. I want someone else to hurt me. I want to hurt.

[littlethings]

You know, it isn't that weird. Or at least, I've felt a similar way at times. I don't know if that helps, but I thought I should tell you you aren't alone. I don't think it would be a good idea for you to ask this Alex guy to hurt you. I don't really know what to say about that.

But I understand the urge. Sometimes I look at people and wonder how it is that they don't want to hurt me. It's tempting. Self-hatred is consuming, it's tiring. It's easy to wish you had someone to do it for you. If that makes sense?

I don't know what to tell you, or what to ask you. I just wanted to say that I care and I understand as much as I can.

JoAnna

[kurdt_kobain]

Thank you so much.

It's really strange; I know I shouldn't ask him. If I asked him I'd do anything he told me to. I'd just keep coming back because I want him to do it for me.

If someone did it to me, I guess I wouldn't have the guilt. i wouldn't have to hide them because I didn't do them. I don't know. I'm just really wanting to cut really badly. It gives me something to distract myself from this just...ugh ness.

I'm so emotional sometimes.

I was reading over secret shame about wanting to stop. I found this list about things to try to do while quiting SI.


I have a solid emotional support system of friends, family, and/or professionals that I can use if I feel like hurting myself.

I have BUS. That's it.


There are at least two people in my life that I can call if I want to hurt myself.

No. Not even one.


I feel at least somewhat comfortable talking about SIV with three different people.

Not even one IRL. The people on BUS?


I have a list of at least ten things I can do instead of hurting myself.

No. I don't know what else to do.


I have a place to go if I need to leave my house so as not to hurt myself.

No.


I feel confident that I could get rid of all the things that I might be likely to use to hurt myself.

Hell no.

I have told at least two other people that I am going to stop hurting myself.

Yes.


I am willing to feel uncomfortable, scared, and frustrated.

Hell no.

I feel confident that I can endure thinking about hurting myself without having to actually do so.

Yes.

I want to stop hurting myself.

Sometimes.


That's a lot of nos.


Littlethings, you've helped me so much all this time. Thanks.

[littlethings]

You're very welcome.

You know what? I hate to keep bringing up similarities, but I really do see a lot of myself in what you write and (hopefully) that helps me respond.

But in this case, it's the Secret Shame. I own the book and I have actually completed most of the activities (up through chapter 8 I think?) and anyway, I remember filling out that list, and it was pretty much the same as yours. Except I did have a list of 10 things I could do (as always, I recommend using Laura's big list in coping as a jumping off point for making your own). But I don't have anyone in real life either, and I know how hard that is.

I left the last question blank because I didn't know if I wanted to stop- and in a lot of ways I still don't. It's almost ridiculous how easy SI can be, and it does help. But it's ultimately a destructive force, and so accepting it completely is impossible and self-injury itself leads to mental unrest.

It's very hard to explain, and I don't really know what to say. I really do try to think of it in terms of someone else. Even sometimes when I read something you write here- and I think "wow, that's just like me" but when you write it I can see easily that they aren't true (I hope you don't mind me saying that, I don't mean you lie or anything- I mean when you say you hate yourself for such and such a reason, I would never hate you for that reason). But then when I say them to myself, it seems very real and very logical. So remembering what you and others have written, and how that is similar to what I think I (sometimes) realize that it isn't true for me either.

So I don't know if you have anyone or anything you could do that with, but I thought I should say.

----

by the way, I can't say for sure how you would feel. But if you look at all the victims of PA & SA around bus, I don't really think that being hurt by someone else eases the pain or the self-hatred. But I know it feels like it would.

take care,
JoAnna

[kurdt_kobain]

I'm glad you find things similar; I guess that means we're both odd? Seriously, it means a lot to me that you're helping me. I appericate your replies more then I can say.

I know I want to stop until something happens that's bad. And as soon as that happens, all my thoughts about trying to get better and recovering go out the door and basically the only thing I can think about is SI until I finally do it.

Everything I'm writing makes such logical sense in my head. Like I've done this, I'm a bad person, I need to SI ect ect. But when I try to explain it to someone it sounds stupid and like I'm fishing for people to tell me I'm good or something. I dunno.

by the way, I can't say for sure how you would feel. But if you look at all the victims of PA & SA around bus, I don't really think that being hurt by someone else eases the pain or the self-hatred. But I know it feels like it would.

That's worth taking into consideration. I don't know how to ask him incase he says no, but I really want to. I know that's so odd. It really feels like it would help, but you're right.


Thank you for understanding.

[skeksi]

i know this is way after the fact, but i wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this. i've never really wanted to ask my boyfriend (the person i feel closest to) to cut me, but i have wanted him to hit me. so i could really relate to you on this feeling:

Like I want to be hurt. I want to be shoved down, beat up and abused.

i'm struggling, like you, with trying to figure out whether i want to stop the self-injury and if so, why and how. it's tough. and i think this wanting to be hurt by someone else thing is connected. i try to ask myself, why is it that when i am upset or overwhelmed, i want to hurt my body? how is that helping the situation? how is that helping me? it's just me telling myself i deserve to be hurt again. that's not going to improve things! and wanting to be hit ot cut by someone else is more of the same. other people won't do it to me because they know i don't deserve it.

i can't quite believe that for myself yet, but i tryo keep remembering it. sometimes i feel pretty gobsmacked by realizing how much fo this relates to me thinking so poorly of myself.

i dunno, i don't have much advice, obviously, but to let you know that i'm dealing with the same crap right now.

[truce]

Hi Kurdt, *big hugs if you are accepting*

I don't come in here oftem anymore, i used to read the posts here a lot, and even started posting here, i dont really anymore. i fell i dont deserve to be here, bc i dont / cant stop. anyway, on a weird notion i wondered in here and would like to comment on some of your posts if i may? well yours and JoAnnas. Hi JoAnna btw, nice to see you too.

I don't think it would be a good idea for you to ask this Alex guy to hurt you. ... But I understand the urge. Sometimes I look at people and wonder how it is that they don't want to hurt me.

as to asking alex, i kind of think you yourself know its not a good thing or you would have done it. and i agree here with jo, except i wonder when are people going to start hurting me, why havent they started, cant they see i deserve to be hurt?

I was reading over secret shame about wanting to stop. I found this list about things to try to do while quiting SI.

I have a solid emotional support system of friends, family, and/or professionals that I can use if I feel like hurting myself. - I have BUS. That's it.
There are at least two people in my life that I can call if I want to hurt myself. - No. Not even one.
I feel at least somewhat comfortable talking about SIV with three different people. - Not even one IRL. The people on BUS?
I have a list of at least ten things I can do instead of hurting myself. - No. I don't know what else to do.
I have a place to go if I need to leave my house so as not to hurt myself. - No.
I feel confident that I could get rid of all the things that I might be likely to use to hurt myself. - Hell no.
I have told at least two other people that I am going to stop hurting myself. - Yes.
I am willing to feel uncomfortable, scared, and frustrated. - Hell no.
I feel confident that I can endure thinking about hurting myself without having to actually do so. - Yes.
I want to stop hurting myself. - Sometimes.

That's a lot of nos.

i relate to this so much, well except i have more no's on the list than you, i havent told anyone, i am not confident in thinking about it, well maybe on a normal day, but not an urgey one, if you understand what i am saying

I'm glad you find things similar; I guess that means we're both odd? ... I know I want to stop until something happens that's bad. And as soon as that happens, all my thoughts about trying to get better and recovering go out the door and basically the only thing I can think about is SI until I finally do it. ... Everything I'm writing makes such logical sense in my head. Like I've done this, I'm a bad person, I need to SI ect ect. But when I try to explain it to someone it sounds stupid and like I'm fishing for people to tell me I'm good or something. I dunno.

and i would have to be added to this club bc this could all be me, so much so. and i still am not sure whether i stop, lately i have found myself so concentrating on the stopping issue that it actually becomes a trigger for me, and i forget what caused the urge in the first place. and as to when you decide to si, and everything falls away until you do, i hear you, once that urge and craving is there i personally cant get it away until i do.

and i think that its difficult to explain to some-one who was never there, who doesnt have the amount of self hatred inside. ugghhhh, im not sure if im posting this for me or for you now, well i just hope you understand its here so you know that you arent alone, but it helps me too

i'm struggling, like you, with trying to figure out whether i want to stop the self-injury and if so, why and how. it's tough. and i think this wanting to be hurt by someone else thing is connected. i try to ask myself, why is it that when i am upset or overwhelmed, i want to hurt my body? how is that helping the situation? how is that helping me? it's just me telling myself i deserve to be hurt again. that's not going to improve things! and wanting to be hit ot cut by someone else is more of the same. other people won't do it to me because they know i don't deserve it.

i can't quite believe that for myself yet, but i tryo keep remembering it. sometimes i feel pretty gobsmacked by realizing how much fo this relates to me thinking so poorly of myself.

i more or less think i have said most of this too, but will just agree, *nods solemnly* and i think another thing here is that if we get some-one to physically hurt us, its a pain that we can deal with and bandage and such, yet i am so scared of the mental and spiritual and heartache pain i expect from ever and i mean EVERY one on a daily basis, i would rather hand them a blade and say please, go ahead....

on that note, i dont know what your relationship with alex is? but could it be similar to my feelings is that you may be scared that he will one day end up hurting you either physically or mentally and you would rather have it happen now in a controlled situation? sorry that kind of came to me as a possible cause of your wanting him to hurt you.... does it make sense?

uggh anyway, i realise this post was made way back in september, but maybe one day you will feel this way again and this helps you, though i hope that you dont feel like this again