late night

aimee929 · Post by **aimee929** » Mon Oct 25, 2004 5:24 am

I am curious... is there anyone else out there who has a particularly hard time late at night?? Almost every time I have cut myself, it has been late-- after 10pm-- when no one else is awake. And the worst of my depression has always come out at night. The worst months of my depression-- when I was first diagnosed-- were so terrible that I honestly thought I would not make it through the night. I was convinced I would die somehow (by my own hand or not) before morning. It made no sense.

Anyway, I just wondered if anyone else has struggled with those late night demons like I have. Days aren't easy either-- but nights are significantly worse.

I am pretty new to these boards, would love to hear from someone.

take care,
Aimee

herebedragons · Post by **herebedragons** » Mon Oct 25, 2004 8:31 am

yes, late night is the hardest I think. Maybe because there is less going on to keep my mind off of things. Hope you are ok.

Bathelina · Post by **Bathelina** » Mon Oct 25, 2004 9:42 am

Yeah I know what you're saying, it's the same with me: Days are a struggle but NIGHTS. In the half term, now, and weekends, I stay up late, I used to have a really good routine of going to bed at 9 because if I went to bed late I would be so depressed. My dad noticed how bad I got and he makes me go to bed early. Now I've slipped back into my old routine because of the holidays... I don't know why... But I know how you feel. Nights are terrible....

Love,
Hannah

~invisible_me~ · Post by **~invisible_me~** » Mon Oct 25, 2004 12:10 pm

Yes nights are the worst for me because there is less to do i cant do as much to distract myself as the rest of my family are asleep and i dont want to wake them. So i find the nights really hard...

Symlink · Post by **Symlink** » Tue Oct 26, 2004 12:20 am

It's a bit strange, because on the one hand I really like the night (i.e. 11pm till when I go to sleep, which is around 2 usually nowadays, was more around 5 some time ago and I enjoyed it). It used to be the most productive time of the day, nobody would distract or interrupt me (while writing emails or programming or whatever).
On the other hand, yes, most of the time I hurt myself I did it late at night. Firstly because there aren't many things which distract me and secondly because usually I do the things which lead to hurting myself when nobody distracts me.

aimee929 · Post by **aimee929** » Tue Oct 26, 2004 1:03 am

Symlink wrote:It's a bit strange, because on the one hand I really like the night (i.e. 11pm till when I go to sleep...
On the other hand, yes, most of the time I hurt myself I did it late at night. Firstly because there aren't many things which distract me and secondly because usually I do the things which lead to hurting myself when nobody distracts me.

I know what you mean... I am such a night owl. When I was in grad school-- I got my MFA (Master of Fine Arts) in Creative Writing-- Id did almost all of my writing (fiction) between 11pm- 2am. I love to write late at night. And I've always been one to stay up. I rarely go to bed before midnight, even though I have to get up at 6am to go to work.

It's true that there aren't as many distractions, and I suppose that writing itself is so emotional that it can easily trigger those feelings that make me want to SI. See my quote below from Shirley HAzzard-- it is so true of writing... and many other things, I'm sure.

thanks for responding...

take care,
Aimee

darkrose · Post by **darkrose** » Tue Oct 26, 2004 3:17 am

ya, I can totally relate to everything being worse at night....and the nights go sooooo slow!! I think it's because there's nothing to do at night but lay in your bed and think about everything that we try to avoid thinking about during the day...there's just nothing to distract us! It bites!
PM if you'd like

-darkrose

MH180 · Post by **MH180** » Thu Oct 28, 2004 11:34 pm

yup, nights are by far the time i struggle the most, and pretty much is always when i do hurt myself. But it's weird cause night time is also my favourite time.

libby · Post by **libby** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 9:12 pm

Nights are my bad time too.

I don't know why. I think it's just that I'm alone, and also I've been turning things over in my mind for a while by then. Also, unfortunately, I'm more likely to be drunk at night, which doesn't always help....

angelic212 · Post by **angelic212** » Fri Oct 29, 2004 10:35 pm

just wanted to say you are not alone i also struggle at night time when everyone else is asleep i cant sleep i have to make myself go to bed before everyone else so i dont struggle at night other wise if i dont do this i stay up all night and i cant sleep much at all

love always maria

aimee929 · Post by **aimee929** » Sat Oct 30, 2004 1:56 am

libby wrote:Nights are my bad time too.

I don't know why. I think it's just that I'm alone, and also I've been turning things over in my mind for a while by then. Also, unfortunately, I'm more likely to be drunk at night, which doesn't always help....

Sounds familiar... I am also likely be drunk at night, esp when I'm terribly depressed or SU. I feel so alone at night, as if no one cares. Sadly, this is not anything new, but it doesn't get any easier either.

Aimee

libby · Post by **libby** » Sat Oct 30, 2004 3:14 am

Iagree Aimee, this is when you feel most alone

All my friends are either asleep or not here. Feel more alone then.

I should just take sleeping pills. Then I'd miss nights altogether. But I'm reluctant to dope myself up every night I feel like this.

limestone · Post by **limestone** » Sun Oct 31, 2004 9:56 am

if you're cutting and feeling depressed late at night then it might be a sign that your serotonin level is unbalanced. natural ways of increasing it like enough sleep, exercise, healthy foods could help.

bright.eyes · Post by **bright.eyes** » Sun Oct 31, 2004 11:07 am

i know exactly what you mean, i always get increasingly depressed as the evening goes on. my advice would be to try and keep busy in the evenings, so you're not just sitting around thinking about stuff... i find its quite good to go out and be with friends in the evenings, then i'll just go to bed as soon as i get home.
take care everyone xox

Katara · Post by **Katara** » Tue Nov 02, 2004 7:32 am

I, too, have a terrible time fighting urges at night. Anytime after 10 pm is the worst for me. I have been exploring it with my therapist and came to the conclusion that most everything negative in my life happened at night. From early childhood on, there were numerous traumatic events in my life that occurred late at night. More than likely, that plus the fact that I tend not to be able to sleep, makes it harder for me to cope with triggering feelings and events that now occur during the night. It is also harder for me to reach out and ask for help during the late night hours so I feel terribly isolated. Unfortunately, it isn't getting any easier but I hope it will someday! Hang in there!

illusorydreamer · Post by **illusorydreamer** » Tue Nov 02, 2004 8:25 am

For me personally I think about doing things anytime of the day, but I only allow myself at night. I think it's because that way I know all my roommates are asleep (after midnight usually) and I don't have to worry about them walking in (as they often do w/o knocking). Being in college and having 3 roommates it's not easy to get "alone" time i guess, but it's when i'm finally alone that i feel the worst.

I also agree with aimee about drinking at night...it's usually an attempt to escsape the si or su thoughts...sometimes it works, sometimes not. That's just me, I guess, for what it's worth.

badgirl22 · Post by **badgirl22** » Thu Nov 04, 2004 10:16 am

Yes..it seems every night is like this for me. I totally get it and understand. I have problems sleeping and so things come up then that wouldn't come up during the day..hense the stress..and then more stress, and the not being able to stop thoughts comming threw..and then the urges are stronger to cut..and there isn't anyone around to stop us..so why not??it helps, no one around, and things get better..they are all postive right???
I totatly understand. I hope u can somehow keep yourself safe at night..that is why I am frequently on bus late at night..trying to make my urges less before attempting to try to sleep.
Well, hope that helps knowing that u arn't alone.
-Badgirl22

morganbellamy · Post by **morganbellamy** » Fri Nov 05, 2004 2:50 pm

the thing about the evening is that from when i arrive home from college at 5 to when everyone else in the house goes to sleep at 10, i get more and more depressed and sink further and further down into it. between 8 and 10 is when most of the bad stuff happens. but by about 10.30 its not so bad, the house is quiet and most of the time i end up sitting on the windowsill, jst looking at the stars. but since the past two nights it hasnt stopped at 10. jst carried on until i sleep, i have no idea when cos i dont look at the clock anymore.

LN7 · Post by **LN7** » Sat Nov 06, 2004 1:16 am

Night time, when it's quiet and everyoen is in bed becomes my time, and when everyone else is asleep I can pretend they don't exist and so feel less guilty about things. Usually 11-2...as thjats when I'm tryign to go to sleep..if I'm still awake at 2 I give up and get back up again.

aimee929 · Post by **aimee929** » Sat Nov 06, 2004 3:08 am

LN7 wrote:Night time, when it's quiet and everyoen is in bed becomes my time, and when everyone else is asleep I can pretend they don't exist and so feel less guilty about things.

You know, it's strange but I also tend to feel less guilty about what I'm doing when it's late at night. I can drink, smoke, cut, cry... and while I usually feel rotten, I don't feel guilty about it. Mostly, I am thinking

Fuck the world, the world hates me... or, as a great Angels in America quote says, Fuck the truth. But mostly the truth fucks you.

Such is my life... and many others' lives as well, I'm sure.

Night is also my time, and always has been... it's kind of sad to think that it has also become my enemy.

love,
Aimee

bus

late night

late night

night owl

bad nights for me too

hoep

guilt

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