Yes
* What happened just before?
Had sex with my husband.
* What were you thinking or feeling?
I felt intense anger. I was thinking how much better sex was when I was SI'ing. I didn't really want to have sex, but that wasn't why I was so angry (at least not the biggest reason). He's just been incredibly controlling and angry toward me and the kids, and when I try to talk to him about that it goes no where fast. After sex, I just had this strong urge to SI. I haven't really had any urges for weeks. Just this morning I was posting that I didn't have any urges. It came on fast and I didn't really want to talk myself out of it by posting here or doing something else.
* Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?
I didn't want to keep experiencing the intense anger feelings I had inside. I hadn't had any urges for a while before and those urges weren't related to anger as far as I remember. The final straw was when we were having sex and I felt like I wanted to hurt him, but I didn't -- just tried to get it over with as fast as I could.
* How did this situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I'm real tired of how controlling my husband is with everything. I'm feeling frustrated about my lack of control with money, freedom to travel, input on decisions. I am most upset about how his anger is hurting our kids. I haven't figured out how to fix this yet, although I am taking some tentative steps in that direction. I could have made a different decision by saying no to sex, when I really didn't want it. That triggered the SI.
* Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?
No drugs or alcohol involved. I'm no on any medication. I did have a short night's sleep last night due to going to bed to late and being woken up in the early am by my child and never getting back to sleep. I can work on getting more consistent rest. I know I am more easily triggered when I am tired. Need to go to bed earlier, because I can't control kids mishaps.
* What other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? How well did they work.
Unfortuantely, I didn't try anything. I don't think I wanted to stop it.
*In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?
There are several things that have worked for me in the past. One is posting here in the before section. Another is riding the wave of emotions. I'm probably not brave enough to call my friend, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have SI'd had I called. Problem is -- and I don't know what to try for this one -- at the moment the feeling came on so strong and unexpectedly that I didn't want to resist.
* Name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
In this case I'm not sure coping methods will work, because I didn't want to cope. I think I'm going to have to aim at preventative measures like not doing things (especially sex) when I really don't want to do them. Boundary setting basically.
* How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I'm still frustrated about the situation -- although I feel much better since the SI
The basic problems in our marriage and my not setting good boundaries is going to take some work and needs to be done. I'd like to get some counseling, but am not sure I can arrange it (or pay for it). I'd also like to go to CODA meetings, but am not sure what to do about child care. I've got some details to work out still.* Are you likely to be in that emotional place again? How will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I'm positive I'll be in that situation again. I'll recognize it by the feelings of revulsion I have when husband mentions sex.
* What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.
Three things that would help me would be prayer, posting here, and riding the wave. I'm will aim to do those things, but I'm not ready to commit that I would under the same circumstances, because at the moment I had no wish to do anything but self harm -- saying otherwise would be untruthful. I think like I said before that I have to focus on the preventing it from escalating so quickly by doing things I feel strongly about not doing.
Thanks.
Wendy
