I'm afraid to even mention the urge to SI. . .

[Junebug44]

It's been well over a year since I stopped cutting. So much has changed. In some ways I feel healthier than ever before. I know I'm happier - most of the time.

You know that heavy, suffocating feeling that comes with feeling depressed? It's been back lately, and I'm not sure why. I've had some physical problems recently that could be a part of it. I'm watching my daughter try to make it on her own but having a tough time of it; that adds to it. My son was in a MVA and got a concussion recently--we thought he would die. But he's fine now.

Until now, I haven't felt overwhelmed by any of the above. But this last week, I've been feeling this absolutely overwhelming desire to cut--I even dream about it! It's a feeling of panic--like I'm not in control of my life. To go along with that, today I 'felt' a message come through that I am going to die soon. Well, that's a pretty clear indication of depression, huh?

I've been here before - feeling overwhelmed, scared, dark. Before, I was in counseling, but I have a strong resistance to that, maybe because if I stir things up from the past again, I will be overwhelmed again. And that just terrifies me!

Lately I have tried to not isolate myself; stay with others, interact. It works to a degree. But in those moments when I am inevitably alone, the heaviness returns. So far, I have avoided cutting. But the feeling is there that--after all that hard work to get to where I am in my life today, why am I back here?! My thinking part tells me I'm not where I was before, that I've made great strides. Ah, but those feelings. . . I am at a loss.

Junebug

[limestone]

... But in those moments when I am inevitably alone, the heaviness returns....But the feeling is there that--after all that hard work to get to where I am in my life today, why am I back here?!

What does being where you are now give you?

The heaviness and wondering why you're back here again sound tied together - is that how it feels? If not, what relation between them, do they have?

Does being alone when you feel the heaviness, signify something?

What would you like to do to avoid using si to cope with these feelings?

What are 5 things you've done today that you feel pleased/proud/postitive about?

[Junebug44]

wow--thank you, Limestone. You've given me some good next step, problem-solving questions to go for.

Where I am now is in a place of vulnerability. I'm about to bite my husband's head off with all his hints for sexual gratification. (Knowing that he's going to be hinting puts me on edge.) The LAST thing in this world I want when I'm feeling vulnerable is sex. So we need to talk.

I seem to be needing comfort, security; someone to hold my hand along the way. It seems that I got those things in the past when I was in crisis modes by getting desperate to the point of si and su ideation. (When a baby is hurting and doesn't know how to communicate it, she cries. Those were my cries. I had gotten so mixed up inside that I forgot I could ask for help in a grown up way.)

Feeling the heavy weight of depression and fear reminds me now of how I felt 'then.' But it doesn't necessarily mean I am 100% back to where I was--it just means I am feeling vulnerable again. Sorting through the things that are making me feel that way again can help me put into perspective what needs to be done (rather than waving my arms in the air and crying).

Being alone when I feel vulnerable reminds me of how I used to behave when I felt crushed by the world--run, hide! I held it all inside with the only relief being the si. Guess that's why I started looking at that again. Also, being alone means keeping a secret--the first big one being my dad's sexual abuse. Standing alone and being strong without depending on anyone else is what I learned to do.

I have been gingerly trying to open up to a very few people about my feelings, which btw, you helped me to identify. (Thank you very much.) I think I can find the relief I'm looking for by following this path rather than the path of cutting, which would bring more problems to the original one.

To end on a positive note, I can point out 5 things I did today that I'm proud of:

• 1. I did a lot of work alone at my job without my co-worker there.
  2. I've spoken kindly to people even though my nerves seem raw and I'm short tempered.
  3. (You know, it's hard thinking of stuff like this...much easier thinking of the rotten things I've done.) I kept a sense of humor even though I didn't 'feel' it.
  4. Took my stressed out daughter for a manicure at lunch and paid for hers.
  5. I feel positive about writing this.

Working at keeping the perspective. . .
Junebug