my first "before"

PassingCloud · Post by **PassingCloud** » Fri Oct 22, 2004 4:49 pm

hey all,

i am sitting here smoking one cigarrette after the other, not the healthiest choice i have ever made either. but i am contemplating getting out my tools and SIing again.

the reason is - well, a reason i thought i'd never have again. i have this "relationship" type thing going on with somebody who lives far away from me... it's been going on for six years and for six years i've been patiently waiting for him to grow up. he's now twenty-six, moved out, got a job and for the first time this summer he said we'd be together. we're a couple now, or so he said. but he still hasn't changed. isn't writing any emails, doesn't stay in touch and is lazy whenever i see him online, chatting - busy with other things.
i am getting so worked up over this. told him to write me and that it sucks that i always have to nag at him to write me. me getting worked up over a guy! i thought i was over that kind of thing. i guess you never get too old for a breaking heart.

he hasn't written back since i wrote him that email and for three days i have been waiting for some kind of response - because i also booked my tickets and told him and his family the flight times and nobody responded. just a "great that you'Re coming for xmas" would have been nice. he's never made the effort to visit me and i go there twice a year. he always hides behind his family. and i am so sick of it. sick of being treated like a three-week affair. i am sick of him not making decisions.
but i want his answer, want his love and affection but i don'T get it.

i am feeling nervous, angry and restless. i am feeling frustrated because i can't communicate with him. i am frustrated of putting all this work into this relationship and he doesn't. so i want to cut because right now i don't know what else to do. i want to write another email to him, spilling out all my feelings, but if there is, once again, no response then the despair will grow even bigger.

thinking of cancelling my tickets but afraid of all that would mean or could mean or might mean to him and his family. i am afraid of where i stand now, what that does to all my plans that i have had for six years (moving there eventually, being a social worker there).

i just don't know what else to do to find some kind of calm inside my head and body again...

-cloudya

PassingCloud · Post by **PassingCloud** » Fri Oct 22, 2004 5:09 pm

doing the questions too... coz it's a distraction...

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation won't change, but i'll feel calmer, clearer inside my head...

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring calm and clearer thoughts to the situation. what will it take away? anger, frustration, restlessness. i won't feel like i am running up against a wall anymore, will open up other options - it has before...

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't know how i want to feel about this in the long run. i want the problem to come to some kind of conclusion, to a solution. something. i want some calm in dealing with things. cutting will bring me closer. i won't see the guy till xmas - till then all wounds i make right now will be healed and nobody will have to see them.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it won't last long. then i'll write my email to the guy, trying to stay calm and optimistic that maybe something happened and that's why he didn't write. i can't do that right away because i am feeling destructive. what will i do when it's over? wait till he writes. if he doesn't write.... i don't know what to do then...

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could take a shower - need one anyway. eat some food first. then go about writing that email...

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
where i stand right now i'll feel pretty much the same. i don't feel panic about cutting or not cutting. i feel indifferent about it atm. the thing that nags at me is that i let myself get so upset about the whole thing... :S

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what i really want to do right now is do something destructive, something to make the pain and anger show. how can i honor the instinct? hmmm maybe make it show differently? write a story about it or something? i am not sure...

littlethings · Post by **littlethings** » Sun Oct 24, 2004 8:30 pm

Wow. That sounds like a really tough situation. For me, not knowing what was going to happen next (esp. emotionally) was always a big trigger. Good job for taking a look at it..

Your answers make it sounds a little bit like you think self-injury would be a good choice right now, so I'm wondering why you are here. Obviously you are trying to not self-injure. Why? I'm not being flip here. What factors have made you decide to look at urges before acting on them? How has self-injury impacted your life negatively?

More importantly, I think, for the moment- how can you feel calm? I don't blame you for feeling frustrated an angry in this situation. I don't know anyone who wouldn't. Could you try writing him a long letter explaining how you feel? You certainly don't have to send it. Just writing it might help you sort out your thoughts. You could post it here or just keep it.

What do you enjoy, that you can do right now? Is there a movie you like, or a hobby? If you need to do something destructive, pillows against walls have always worked for me. Another favorite is smashing eggs against the bathtub (perfect sounds! and easy clean up).

take care,
JoAnna

PassingCloud · Post by **PassingCloud** » Mon Oct 25, 2004 1:06 pm

littlethings wrote:Your answers make it sounds a little bit like you think self-injury would be a good choice right now, so I'm wondering why you are here. Obviously you are trying to not self-injure. Why? I'm not being flip here. What factors have made you decide to look at urges before acting on them? How has self-injury impacted your life negatively?

have you ever been in that place where you're "healthy" enough to not want to do something destructive but tempted to do it anyway because you're so tired of constantly doing "the right thing"? that's where i am at right now. i am tired of living healthy, i am tired of trying so hard to make things better when life is always throwing stones in my way. but still my healthy part fights to not cut, to keep on going on the way that i have been on for two years now... *shrug* but maybe you're right, maybe i shouldn't be here yet. i'll be back when i know what i want...

btw, i didn't cut that evening and haven't yet. i like your suggestion with the eggs, that's a really cool idea. and yes, i did write out all my feelings and send them to him and post them on bus (in my place). that helped a lot, only now i have been waiting for a reply all weekend and didn't get one. but blah, i'm whining.

thanks for letting me post. i'll be back some day to this forum.

-cloudya

littlethings · Post by **littlethings** » Mon Oct 25, 2004 11:10 pm

PassingCloud wrote:.. *shrug* but maybe you're right, maybe i shouldn't be here yet. i'll be back when i know what i want...

whoa, I never said you weren't ready to be here yet. I just wanted you to look at your language a little. And yes, I know that place in between wanting to be healthy and wanting to SI very well. It's a tough one.

You're welcome here whether you know what you want or not

I'm glad that you didn't self-injure.

JoAnna

my first "before"

my first "before"

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