after for now

[Guest]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes, I did.


what had happened just before?
Michal had annoyed me. He'd annoyed me since we woke up, because he kept calling me something I hate to be called, and thinking it was really funny to keep doing it even though I asked him not to. And then he told me to get off the internet because we had to go shopping, so I said I'd go and have a shower and when I put the cd player on, he came and turned it off and said I had "to be quiet because Jarek is in bed", and there is a huge amount of unresolved stuff with Jarek being here... To be short, I feel right now as if he has put Jarek before me, after we had a huge talk about it all and he swore he understood how I felt and was going to do something about it. And then when i moved the cd player it fell on the floor and Michal said "what did you do that for" as if I was a stupid child, and I went into the bathroom.

what were you thinking and feeling?
That I was so angry and hurt and I wanted to smash the hell out of everything, including myself.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I felt like I had to do it if I couldn't smash everything up, which I couldn't do. Also I was 'trapped' in the bathroom and couldn't distract myself- I had to get ready to go out and wandering off to find a distraction would have caused more arguments and more stress and triggers. And I just wanted to calm down a little and feel like I had some control and could focus and not be overwhelmed. And that if I had physical pain to concentrate on I could ignore the emotional stuff for a while.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I had a bad day yesterday, I slept badly 2 nights in a row for the same reason, I was irritated from the moment I woke up to the moment it happened, I have my period which is a huge thing for me at the moment, I don't want Jarek here, Michal knows how unhappy I am that he is here and promised to do something and has never referred to it since, and I wasn't ready to deal with it without SIing today.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Poor sleep, but the reason for that isn't a regular one. Having my period, but that's only 1 week in 4 and is likely to get easier and easier over the next few months. Irritation that Jarek is here, but he will be gone within a month. Resentment at Michal over the whole Jarek thing which made me angrier than I'd usually be that he kept calling me that, or kept telling me to do or not do stuff. And I need to address that after Jarek has gone.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
None, really, it was kind of an emergency slip. Sort of SI before the situation got any worse. Although I did force myself to limit everything about it- without getting too methody I made sure I didn't pick the 'worst' tool available, and I didn't let myself cut too deep or too long, and I made myself pause a lot in the hope that I'd cut less in the time it took to feel better.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Yes, I should have walked out of the bathroom and said to Michal "I don't want to fight, I don't want to upset you, but I feel like shit and you've really pissed me off, can we talk about it please".



name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Not let myself cut until I can think of three reasons why I want to do it, and then three reasons why I should not do it, because if I can see why I want to do it, I might be able to go and confront it (in this mornings case that would have meant going to talk to Michal), and if I remember why I don't want to do it, I will go and talk to or sit with Michal.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Furious. Bitter. Resentful. Hurt. Isolated. Marginalised. Ignored.
No, it's not resolved.
I'll do it after Jarek leaves next month.


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Probably, one or two bad days in a row usually means a whole bundle are on the way. Im seeing my GP on Thursday, I'll talk to him then.


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Waiting the urge out and just getting on with what I should be doing.
If I can't wait, go and talk to someone about anything at all, whether IRL or here.
Breaking stuff.

[limestone]

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Yes, I should have walked out of the bathroom and said to Michal "I don't want to fight, I don't want to upset you, but I feel like shit and you've really pissed me off, can we talk about it please".

hi

I was thinking re. the above quote, what would happen if you did say that next time - i.e. what would Michal say, what would you say - how would you feel and how would Michal feel?

[Guest]

How would I feel?
Really scared of doing it, actually. I know talking about feelings is better, but bottling them (up until they explode at some later date) is easier. And it would be a step into the unknown. It would be scary.

What would Michal say... probably, "ok baby". He wants me to talk to him at times like those. He has said to me over and over that I can tell him anything and that I need to talk rather than bottle things up. And as long as I managed not to be accusing and blaming and not make it sound like I'm saying- I hurt, I'm mad, it makes me want to cut, it's your fault, you're making me cut, he'd be great, I know it.

I think I just hit on a reason why it would be scary. I don't ever want to even imply by accident that it is because of someone that I have or want to cut. I don't want any conversation to seem like I am saying to someone that it's up to them to stop me cutting because they're making me want to. Because its not up to anyone, or because of anyone, it's my choice and my responsibility every time.
Also, it's fucking shameful to admit you're so not able to cope at this moment that cutting into your skin seems like a better option than anything else.

I don't know what he'd say about the Jarek thing. I'm worried about how big the fight will be when we do talk about it.

I think he'd feel OK as long as I didn't make it sound like I wanted to accuse or blame him.

[limestone]

Why do you feel it's shameful?
What does bottling things up give you i.e. what function does it serve?

[Guest]

Means I don't have to face them. Or reveal them to other people who will think I am weak and fucked up and stupid.

It makes me ashamed. I don't know. I just... it'as not exactly normal and healthy behaviour is it? And no one's forcing me to do it. I'm voluntarily doing something abnormal and unhealthy, that's shameful.

[limestone]

Means I don't have to face them. Or reveal them to other people who will think I am weak and fucked up and stupid.

what makes you believe that people will view you in this way?

It makes me ashamed. I don't know. I just... it'as not exactly normal and healthy behaviour is it? And no one's forcing me to do it. I'm voluntarily doing something abnormal and unhealthy, that's shameful.

I hear you but when I read I also see more - nobody is forcing you, *but* you've taken the time and trouble to post here, to try to understand to enable you to do something about it.

How could you make it feel less shameful? i.e. to enable you to talk to people irl when you need them - just because you si doesn't mean you don't have the right to talk to people when you need it.

[Guest]

spoof wrote:
Means I don't have to face them. Or reveal them to other people who will think I am weak and fucked up and stupid.


what makes you believe that people will view you in this way?

I shouldn't be an SIer. I don't have good enough reasons to injure myself, to be depressed. That's what it comes down to. I feel like a selfish, spoilt little bitch who doesn't have the first clue about real suffering, and whereas people who have real trauma and pain in their lives have reasons to be depressed or to SI, mine is just selfish indulgence.
I have a wonderful fiance, a handful of lovely friends, a great set of parents, a fabulous younger brother, an education, a nice home, a job, no abuse in my life. What's there that's so hard for me to cope with that I need to cut myself? Who else of all the people I know would have reacted the way I did to Saturday morning?
It's the way I see myself, I guess I am just assuming that other people will if they know.

I am ashamed of my SI. I am ashamed of myself for doing it. I don't know any other way to look at it. For a while, I wasn't so much proud of it as accepting that it was something I had really needed to rely on, something that had helped me not SU. Now I just hate that I do it, hate everything about it, and think that it can't ever have been as helpful as I once thought it was.

I don't feel good enough. If I was a stick of rock, I'd say 'faliure' in the middle.
I just wrote loads and loads about how, and why, but I can't be that open and honest yet, I'm sorry, I deleted it.

[limestone]

spoof wrote:
Means I don't have to face them. Or reveal them to other people who will think I am weak and fucked up and stupid.


what makes you believe that people will view you in this way?

I shouldn't be an SIer. I don't have good enough reasons to injure myself, to be depressed. That's what it comes down to. I feel like a selfish, spoilt little bitch who doesn't have the first clue about real suffering, and whereas people who have real trauma and pain in their lives have reasons to be depressed or to SI, mine is just selfish indulgence.
I have a wonderful fiance, a handful of lovely friends, a great set of parents, a fabulous younger brother, an education, a nice home, a job, no abuse in my life. What's there that's so hard for me to cope with that I need to cut myself? Who else of all the people I know would have reacted the way I did to Saturday morning?
It's the way I see myself, I guess I am just assuming that other people will if they know.

I am ashamed of my SI. I am ashamed of myself for doing it. I don't know any other way to look at it. For a while, I wasn't so much proud of it as accepting that it was something I had really needed to rely on, something that had helped me not SU. Now I just hate that I do it, hate everything about it, and think that it can't ever have been as helpful as I once thought it was.

I don't feel good enough. If I was a stick of rock, I'd say 'faliure' in the middle.
I just wrote loads and loads about how, and why, but I can't be that open and honest yet, I'm sorry, I deleted it.

Hey,

you don't have to post anything you don't feel comfortable posting. And that goes for answering any questions too - if you feel it's too personal or just not possible, then that's ok too I think what you wrote was good -I can and I'm sure many other people can identify with the feelings about wondering if your reasons to si are valid. It makes you doubt your experience of who you are and of the world.

take care

[Guest]

I wanted to say thank you for taking the time and effort to talk to me through this thread. it's very, very much appreciated

Last night I thought about if for a while. I'm going to find and print out all of my threads from this forum later, so I can see what the patterns are. I already think it's got a lot to do with feeling like I have no control, and feeling that I am not measuring up.
I need not to compare my SI motives with others. I'm OK with not comparing the SI itself, I need to work on not comparing the feelings behind it.