my before

[Nate2002]

i've never done this before, but i need to try it... i'm feeling so urgy right now.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? i don't think the situation will change... but i would feel like i could cope through it... i'm not coping well at the moment and i remember so well how much it used tohelp. i want to feel calm... i dont feel that and i dont know how else to feel it.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? i would feel less bad about the feelings i have now... but then i would feel so bad about having thrown away such a long clean spell. people will trust me less... they would be hurt and sad.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? calm and in control. i don't know... it used to work.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? i honestly don't know. probably not long.. a day maybe.... then i will have to try and cope again... maybe by then i will be able to tackle the cause of the feelings i have right now.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? crying won't change the situation. talking about it has only worked for short periods.. distractions aren't working.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? if i hurt myself i would feel really bad, guilty, sad. if i do the other things.... i'll probably feel the same as i do now.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? i don't think i can post what i really want to do right now. i guess the best thing i could do would be to tell someone how i'm feeling.. but i don't know if i can...

this thing is tearing me up, i've tried talking about it but it doesnt seem to help much or if it does it doesnt last long.. i really don't know what else to do and si feels like an old friend sitting waiting for me. i don't want to do it but then i do, i'm so conflicted, it's a long time since i felt like this. it's not like i'm alone, i have someone here (in another room) but... i .. i dunno....garrrrgghhh *sigh*

i dunno if this is supposed to help.. what i'm meant to benefit.. i thought it might work but i don't really think it has...

[Wendy]

Hi Nate,

I'm struggling tonight too. It looks like you've gone a long time SI free. I went 11 years until I SI'd in July. I know it's really hard to hold on when feeling so urgy and wanting to feel calm again. I also found out the hard way that when you got back after being away from it quite a while, it can really escalate fast and I'm finding it harder to quit now than the first time I quit 11 + years ago. It's kind of like robbing Peter to pay Paul. You'll probably feel better for a bit, but then you'll have to work so much harder to resist the SI that you'll end up with a deficit in the long run. I wish I had an easy or quick answer for you. Still looking for answers for myself. One of my friends on anothe site suggested riding the wave and that has helped me several times now. He described the urge to SI like a wave that builds and builds, but does eventually crest and go down again -- usually rather quickly. That's what happened for me last week. I posted here inbefore and after, hung around the bus for hours, pretty much did everything I could think of to distract myself and eventually the urginess suddenly dropped off to managable. Something else that really helps me is to vigorously exercise. I have a cardio glide I use, but any exercise you can do would help. If you do it vigorously enough the same endorphins kick in as when you SI, only at a little lower level, but I've never felt like SI'ing right after I exercised.

Wishing the best for you.

Hugs if okay

Wendy

[Nate2002]

i made it through withough si'ing, thanks to a special someone spending time to help me.

wendy.. with regards to exercise, i know what you mean, i used to go skating when i got like that but that isn't an option and vigorous exercise is difficult too.

thanks.
nate

[Wendy]

Glad you made it safely through! I did too!
Have a much better day!

Wendy