i really want to... *si*

[Sad Poetess]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

i had a bad day and the urge has been building up for days.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

oh yeah. been here before alright. but all i've done in the past is give in and cut anyway. but i want to choose a better option now, but i don't know if i'm strong enough to. when i've cut before i've felt relief, but then the guilt and failure that i always feel.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

so far i've had a bit of a cry, i guess i could call my t and have a talk to him about how i'm feeling...

How do I feel right now?

abandoned. rejected. like i made an absolute idiot of myself.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

numb. thats all i ever feel when i do it. but afterwards...

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

after cutting i will feel as though all these weeks have been for nothing, i might as well give up and go the whole 9 yards. but i don't want to. i will feel guilt and the ever-near failure.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

*sigh* not allow myself to become vulnerable to another human being ever again? i guess i could try to make myself understand that some things just weren't meant to be.

Do I need to hurt myself?

i'm scared that i do. but in the whole picture it will achieve nothing. i will still have the same feelings of loss and rejection as i did before i cut. no, i guess i don't *need* to cut.

[Tiarin]

i just read your other post about being really close to going through with an urge, and being able to step back from it. i think that's fabulous that you were able to do that. i hope that gives you some measure of self-confidence that you can get through this.

it sounds like you have a lot of perspective on the kinds of consequences this could have, which is really cool.

feeling vulnerable and rejected is just painful. i like your thought about talking this out with your t. those are tough emotions to cope with, and feeling some connection and support from other human beings can make them a bit more bearable, i think.

take good care.

dragonfly