a new sort of urge for me

[han]

How will this situation or feeling change if I hurt myself?

i am not sure - im sort of a bit curious

What will hurting myself bring to the situation? What will it take away from the situation?

it will make me feel i have validity - maybe? it will be a slip after about a year and a half

How do I want to feel about this in the long run? Is hurting myself likely to get me closer or further from feeling that way?

in the end i dont want to rely on it or do it often like i did before. but i do want to have an output and to have a valid thing to show to myself. hurting myself would make me closer to relying on it and doing it often. but would give me an output and give me a valid thing

If hurting myself feels like the right option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? What will I do then?

It will last while i am doing it - it will then make me feel guilty and horrible - later still i will look at the scars and i will feel sometimes comforted and sometimes disgusted

What is something I could do now instead of hurting myself? How will it change the situation I’m in? How long will that change last and what will I do then?

i could talk to someone - but there is not much to say - hence why i feel that si might give me the validity. i could shout - but there is no place to do that and no real reason

How will I feel tomorrow if I hurt myself? How will I feel tomorrow if I do the other thing I came up with?

if i si then i will shudder and feel terrible every time i wake and remember in the night. but when the scars fade alittle i will feel comforted by them. if i talk then it depends on whether they listen and whether they understand and whether i can explain that there is nothing wrong but everything seems wrong. if i shout then it will depend who yells at me for making noise!

What do I really want to do right now? How can I best honour the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i want to feel reassured and loved and able to say whatever i want and to find a solution to feeling like this (flat and empty, sad and angry but not about anything) i could curl up in a small ball and not move until things dont seem to matter so much

[truce]

i want and to find a solution to feeling like this (flat and empty, sad and angry but not about anything) i could curl up in a small ball and not move until things dont seem to matter so much

Han, know that i hear you, i know how you feel, you are not alone. besides that i can't add much for i seek the same answer to that conundrum, and feel like doing exactly the same as you do.

[Tiarin]

i definitely hear you about the wanting validity thing; i've struggled with that one a lot myself.

maybe one possibility to think about— how does it help to have something valid? what does it mean for you? does it help you take your own feelings more seriously? is it a way to communicate to other people that something is actually wrong?

also, have you found any ways to get that sense of validity without si? (one example . . . i know that for me, it can help tremendously just to have someone take me seriously, to say something like "wow. you're really hurting. that must be tough." then i don't feel like i have to "prove" it.)

sending lots of good wishes,
dragonfly