I thought I'd stopped SI'ing - trigger?

[Poppies]

Hello! I've not been here for about 2 years - so long ago that I've forgotten my previous 'identity' here - so I've got a new one! I love poppies - they're somehow fragile but defiant, so that's my new identity!
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I hadn't SI'd for over 2 years - I really thought I was on top of it - the last time I hurt myself (I burn, I don't usually cut) - it was so bad that I should have got medical advice - it took ages to heal, and I was terrified - I knew I had to stop, or go and get help..... I'm over 40, with a family who know nothing about this.... I managed to stay on top of it, and thought 'that was it'...... but here I am again!

It's been getting harder again lately, with stress and worry.... and those wonderful little 'friends' - my hormones.... well, a couple of weeks ago, I cut myself.... and now I'm struggling again, so I thought I'd make a return visit - you're all so supportive here! Before, I sometimes posted, but often just read your posts and they helped - in the circles I move in, I feel such a freak - but here, I don't feel like that. And even if posts don't get answers - there are people reading them who care!

So I'm back.... struggling.... and feeling disappointed.... but this is a 'safe place' for me - I'm glad I had somewhere to come!!

[limestone]

Hi
I hope you find what you're looking for here @ bus.
2 years is a long time. do you have any support irl who you can access to talk to at the moment?

[Poppies]

I'm not sure what a support irl is - sorry! Is it a 'chat' type of thing? I'm very careful when I use the computer, and go through the 'history' items, so I can delete any 'reference' to the bus board - I'm that frightened of my family finding out about my SI! I don't get to spend too long on the computer at any one time - I have to keep minimising bus when someone comes in the room!

Thanks for your concern! I find so much 'normality' here - I'm not an oddity - I'm one of a huge group of people who share a 'problem'. When I come here feeling ashamed and feeling like a freak - I find that I'm normal! And I find that I'm amongst normal people! That normality is very helpful and very calming!

[waxbutterfly]

hi, welcome back to bus.
irl means in real life. it's just an abreviation.
it probly would be a good idea to find some irl support, instead of just online - even though bus is great. even if you don't want your family to know, maybe you could find a therapist you could talk to? i hope you feel better. lots of hugs if you want them.

betsy

[Poppies]

Oops! Silly me! I thought IRL meant something to do with the computer!! I have a friend who I used to be able to talk to about si, but she got so exasperated and sarcastic about it that I stopped talking to her about it - now she thinks I don't struggle with it any more! I also talked to someone else about it once, but they so wanted me to be over it, that I felt I couldn't talk to her any more!

My sister struggles with si too, but we don't help each other - as we struggle with the same sort of problems, we tend to trigger each other when we talk to each other about it!

So I tend to keep it secret... my doctor is friendly with my parents.... and my husband and daughters go to him... he's nice, but I'm frightened he might say something!

[Bathelina]

I feel sorry for you... and I'm sorry you feel this way...

It's very hard to cope with this sort of thing on your own. I strongly suggest you tell someone and/or get some help.

Even if it's just a close friend; or your husband? I duno... just tell somebody. The only way it can get better if someone knows. I don't think it would be wise to tell your kids yet... I mean, it depends how old they are. It's hard to say but quite a lot of kids whose parents have SH end up SHing... I don't know much to be honest, but this happened to my friend.

So all I can say is tell somebody and/or get some help, counselling, or see your doctor...

Good luck, and lot of love and best wishes,
Hannah :):)