I'm annoyed with myself *si*

[Chiam]

It had been so so long since I had really truly SIed, but Saturday was just the end of the line for that good streak. It had been why I had not been on BUS for so long. Whenever I had thought about SI, I would be like "Nonono," and distract myself and then forget about it. And it wasn't so hard. I completely gave in saturday, remorselessly (at the time) and now I feel so annoyed, like I've moved backwards. At the time I did it, I was having a bad day, really down on myself. Basically, my parents had confronted me about certain behaviors they dislike, and I wanted to tell them that I think I am signifficantly depressed and need help and then will be able to be more cheerful and energetic and enthusiastic about myself. But they are too stressed to deal with that, so I have to continue to kep it inside. It's so ironic, the other day my mom jokingly forbade me from having any crisies because our family had too much on their hands. It's so hard being the child "without problems" when inside I know I need more help than my sister ever did. Oh well, I just wanted to type this out and hopefully feel better. I am just kind of angry with myself for submitting to my urge to SI so easily after so much hard work being SI free. I just felt like there were no other options, it's really the only way I can keep my sadness inside without telling my parents how desperately I need their understanding. They are going through a lot, and this is the last thing they need from me. Should I try to keep acting the way that will make them happy and go back to SI or should I not SI and be sullen and unhappy and thus make them unhappy? Ugh, I don't even know. Thank you if you've even read all this, I probably wouldn't have.

[Gwynyd]

You were doing well until you used SI, and that is what is important. Give yourself a pat on the back for an inspired effort and start again if you can. Whenever you try to change a human behaviour relapse is part of the process, and it is ok to fall over, provided you pick up something while you are down there.

It seems to me that your families happiness depends on much more than your behaviour. They have to take some responsibility here too.

You need someone understanding to talk to, so you can feel better about yourself and handle the anxiety (if only it was that easy).

By the way, I thought your post was wonderful; it reflected a great deal of honesty and courage.

Love and Light

Gwyn

[Molly5]

I can relate to your frustration I myself have messed up recently.
I don't know what is the best thing for you to do but you should know that it is not your responsibility to ensure that your family is happy.
If you still feel you cannot let them know what is going on with you maybe you can ask a friend to help or just listen when you need to talk and help cheer you up when need be.
Hope you feel better soon.
Sending hugs,
M.

[limestone]

hi

it sounds difficult for you at the moment. can I ask, what would you like to do re. your question at the end:

Should I try to keep acting the way that will make them happy and go back to SI or should I not SI and be sullen and unhappy and thus make them unhappy?

If you step back from that question and perhaps ask: how can I let my parents know I need support too? it might help to then answer your question re. to si or not to in the future.

you can if you're the right age, seek help from a gp. or student counsellor without your parents knowing. but it sounds as if you need them to know to be able to move on in your life.

therefore, what real hard evidence do you have to support not telling them? I can relate to what your mum said re. crisies and that does sound like a parent who can't deal with their own stuff. *but that is not your problem or fault*. if you need to say 'I'm having a rough time here and I need to know you're there for me too' I don't think that is unreasonable. What would be is if you carry on not communicating to them about how you really feel - because when you eventually do need to talk it'll be big rather than now when it's kinda manageable. does that make any sense?

I just felt like there were no other options, it's really the only way I can keep my sadness inside without telling my parents how desperately I need their understanding.

ok, direct question: looking back now, were there really no other options? how can you challenge the belief that you have to si in order to keep your sadness inside? does it have to be kept bottled up? why do you not deserve your parents time of five minutes to say that you need their understanding?

What are five ways you can improve your mood each day by yourself? If you talk to your parents you can tell them your list and that will help them to see you're taking responsibility (parents like to see that kind of thing, plus it might make you feel better anyway )

You can get through this, believe in yourself and you will

[Chiam]

Thanks for the great responses. How old do you have to be to get help without your parents knowledge? If I can tackle this on my own I would prefer that to getting them involved in something upsetting. I want them to be happy and keep thinking I'm as great as they do... we have never talked much my entire life, it's already big big big. Limestone, you're right, of course there were other options when I think about it. I could have called my friend or come on to BUS! :~) If I could have slowed down and stopped, I bet I would have reached a better decision. But I'm glad I reached the hump, and even if I didn't get over it, I'm somewhere different than I was before. And that's encouraging. It's a good idea to self-manage my mood, I wish so much of it didn't depend on the minute things other people do or say. Maybe a happy song or something would help me feel better when I'm down. And my parents are completely clueless that I am sad at all (people often describe me as a carefree happy person, so I don't blame them for not knowing) so I wouldn't want to tell them too much. It just makes it a lot harder when they are all over you about the results of being depressed like it's my own fault. And I'm sure lots of it is, I'm profoundly lazy and sometimes I worry I'm bratty. I try not to be, but I get irritable when I'm triggery and around people. Okay, well, thank you for your responses, guys, I will try and pick myself up and do better. I had a nice day today. I hope everyone else did too.

[Bathelina]

Don't be annoyed; you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes, and we learn from them. In fact it's probably a step forward for you.

I know how you feel.

Definitely tell your parents. It will work.

Good luck,
Hope you are feeling better soon,
Love,
Hannah :):):):)

[Chiam]

Ugh, you guys will never believe what just happened. My mom came and got me an hour earlier from school than we planned, I was going to check out because we're all going to Asheville. Anyway, she says "Well, something came up... it's about you..." OH MY GOODNESS. In the car she says, "Okay... let me see your arms" and I think we all know where this is going. Someone called her and told her, an adult, and she won't tell me who it is. Anyway, we all sat down and talked. And they weren't angry or judgemental, they were just sad. I'm going to get a counselor or something. I don't know what to think. I'm glad it's all come to a head, but I wish we'd stuck to the topic of SI, because she also made me tell her about some drug stuff that I want to keep to myself. I hated when she was like "Who was with you?" because of course I can't tell her that!!! So, it looks like we broke through something and now we are going to be different somehow. I don't know how. Part of me wishes it would all just go back.

[bright.eyes]

Katie darling, i just read this *hugs* r u ok? i'm so so so sorry about your slip up, and that your mum found out... i know you didn't want it to happen and it must have been scary, but maybe it could be a good thing? i'm so glad they weren't angry at you, and maybe the councellor could be helpful? it definitely sounds like its worth a try anyway. r u feeling any better now? please don't worry too much about your slip up, its just one of those things that happens, and the best thing you can do is pick yourself up and try to carry on. i'm so sorry i didn't pm you for so long, but i'm here if u want to talk... *more hugs* talk to you soon and take care xoxoxoxox

[Brokenwings11]

((big huggle)) Jeesh, that must have been really nerve wracking. I hope everything turns out okay. You're very lucky to have parent's who want to try and help you and get you with a counsler.......