trying to understand why i want to cut right now (spoiler si

truce · Post by **truce** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 6:55 pm

i suppose by default each post here is spoilered for si, but i am adding one anyway, just in case, and for a bit of first class rambling.

i am sitting here urging bad, again. i feel like i really need to cut and i know this is not what i should be doing. i feel that by cutting i am taking the easy way out, instead of facing the issues in my mind. i'm shaking at the very prospect of not allowing myself to cut and forcing myself to concentrate to write this post and maybe some-one can let me know what they think or if they go through the same thing.

Deb, said this is a place for people who are serious about stopping. so i dont know if i should actually be allowed to post here. i want to stop, that i do, i just dont know if i can. i dont know how i am going to cope if i do.

yesterdat at 5:13am i made the first 24 hours being si free in about 3 months. and cut shortly thereafter. i tried not to cut, really i did. i started urging the night before, much as i am now. i played games, answered some posts, read busmail, watched friends reruns and landed up double dosing myself on my mood stabalisers and sleeping tablets, just to knock myself out, and not cut.

this resulted in a 5 hour sleep, quite a record for me, but it was filled with nightmares and i woke up feeling worse than when i started. i spent two hours with a very special and dear friend, this helped distract a tiny bit, but just couldn't remove that deep seated urge.

and then i cut. fairly badly, bc i felt i needed to bleed really badly. i never cut deep enough for stitches but cut continuously. i felt such relief. within minutes i was so relaxed and landed up falling asleep and waking up feeling better.

now as i sit here, a fairly stressful day behind me, feeling incredibly lonely, and unfortunately more suicidal by the day as well. i just cant see another way out but to cut, im scared if i dont cut know just to release the tension, at least just a little bit, im going to land up cutting badly like i did yesterday. and if i continue to loose blood at those amounts at a regular basis, well that just cant be good.

i am not even sure that this is the place for this post, and im sorry if i am incorrect in putting it here. but if some-one could maybe help me analize why and how i got to feel this way, i dont know what questions to ask myself, to help me get through and over this.

ive tried the questionare on secret shame, i know that cutting is not going to solve anything. i dont know anything anymore, except i want a way out of this dark place, i want to get better and i need to soon before i lose.

i was not too sure where to add this but i think i need to add why i feel the need to cut. 1. i feel so lonely 2. i really feel helpless and frustrated that i cannot do anything about the way i feel 3. i am so scared of losing some-one very close to me right now 4. i am frustrated by the emotional roller coaster ride i experience daily and never knowing if i am going to be happy, sad or what will cause those feelings 5. frustrated that it is the end of the month again, time for bills but i have been hiding out in my room for so long i dont know where the money will come to pay them 6. two pending court cases with my ex who is making my life a living hell at the moment 7. the fact that i even allow her to influence my feelings and i the frustration that i have been saying that for so long, yet cant seem to stop her influencing me 8. just pure frustration at feeling helpless

thank-you to whoever just reads this drivvle, never mind replies.

truce · Post by **truce** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 7:06 pm

so i reread the questions and though i feel better about discussing and posting, i still want to urge. no alcohol or drugs involved. i am taking my meds. i've tried the games "last night" and know they wont help again. ive tried the 15 minute thingie, ive tried relaxation therapy, ive tried the elastic till it snapped, will i feel better if i cut, yes righy away, will i feel better tomorrow, dont know - yesterdays cutting is not making me feel worse about myself in retrospect it kind of reinforces the urge bc i know it will help me feel better. can i do anything about the reasons (see above) not really. loneliness - my flatmate is drunk right now and i dont enjoy his company when he is that way and well besides not being able to afford to go out anywhere, i actually panic at the prospect of once again going out, seeing people and having to pretend that i am ok. financial, well its a bit late right now, but i suppose i really need to work at getting some funds in by finishing some projects but i just cant concentrate.

and now i have rambled some more.

truce · Post by **truce** » Thu Sep 23, 2004 11:35 pm

so i landed up cutting anyway. and in my strive to stop i will try answer debs after questions. at least i cut sooner rather than later (?) and didnt cut too bad.

# have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait. - Yes, anticeptic cream, bandages and everything on all three places

# what had happened just before? my life (thats not constructive) well have been feeling extremely depro lately. right before i decided to cut? i was talking to some-one very special to me, though very far away. they told me they loved me and i am not alone. and i felt undeserving of that love, as if i dont actually deserve a friend.

# what were you thinking and feeling? as above i suppose. as i watched the blood start running down my arm, they looked like red tears. it felt like the tears inside were coming out. the pain released. why do i carry so much pain and bitterness inside of me?

# why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it? no specific event. i feel like ctting most of the time lately and just try to hold back until i cannot hold back the urge anymore. but loneliness and pain is a definite factor.

# how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.

# were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how? no. i suppose lack of sleep is a factor. i have the worst sleeping pattern ever. will sleep say 2 hours or so in the morning (7-9) and 2 hours in the afternoon (2-4) on an average day. ive tried sleeping meds, but they always give me nightmares and that does not help a bit.

# what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work? mmm, other methods of coping? this seems to be my problem. what else do i do. will take more time to ponder this, last time i was hospitalised i spent extensive periods of tome with the occupational therapists at my own request, yet after two weeks we still could not come up with something else. i suppose my punching bag is better than my blade, i actually bought one the other day, but when i first started to si in 1995 i used to punch glass and have messed up my tendons in my hands which means i cant really do that. 2 punches and my hands swell up like melons

# in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they? back to square one. what coping skills? i have a serious lack of life skills, my therapist and psychiatrist think i have a great understanding of life skills and coping skills. i dont. they say i just need to learn to put them into practice.

# name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. ditto

# how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution? i feel better, less stressed, not so anxious or frustrated. my problems have yet to be resolved. theres not much i can do about court. not much i can do about money. really dont feel like getting irl friends at the moment, dont have the strength to work at that type of relationship and i know it will be selfish of me, bc i am trying to find some-one to help me not si which makes me co-dependant which is one of the things i an trying to work away from. i already feel guilty burdening bussers with my problems yet i know that here we are here for each other and if you choose to say no to listen to me its ok. bc i understand your boundaries and where you are coming from

# are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation? yes, am in it almost all the time

# what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying. find a friend to sit with and not feel guilty about it. yet now i feel guilty about cutting bc i posted earlier to try stop myself and still did it. this is difficult bc the situation is inside of me. i cannot even remove myself from it to calm down and try get a different perspective. ive tried distractions. i dont know maybe somebody could help me with this one

truce · Post by **truce** » Fri Sep 24, 2004 10:57 am

so in my eternal quest to end si, i am starting to feel down again, and know that i am going to want to si again in a few hours. this seems to be happenning on a daily basis.

so i need to ask myself, is the afternoon/ early evening just a bad time of day for me. do my meds start working out at that time, (i dont think so, i slept late and took them late today so that cant be it, besides i take 12 hourly meds)

im kind of using this in place of a journal i suppose, sorry, but i tried lj, i cant do that anymore than i can write in a diary.

Post by **Jomomma** » Fri Sep 24, 2004 8:02 pm

truce wrote:so in my eternal quest to end si, i am starting to feel down again, and know that i am going to want to si again in a few hours. this seems to be happenning on a daily basis.

If you know when you feel the urge may be at it's greatest could you possibly find a way to be out with people or busy doing things at that time?

What would help with getting through that particular time in the day?

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Sep 25, 2004 1:13 pm

and since then i have cut twice. need stitches i think too late now though. tried pm'ing. tried going out, spoke to a sister (nurse) from last time i was hospitalised. (over 2 hours on he phone) do not know where else to turn, what else to do. really suicidal. i am clutching at straws right now

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Sep 25, 2004 1:15 pm

i really want to live. but not like this. this is not life. this is living hell.

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Sep 25, 2004 2:10 pm

and i cut again. and i ask myself, do these posts help? am i really this fucked up. spent another hour talking to another nurse at the psychiatric hospital to try and talk myself out of si. did not help. do i deserve to actually be on this forum? i really want to stop. i am really reaching out, trying what i can, but i am losing

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Sep 25, 2004 3:36 pm

and i want to bleed again. cutting has become so mundane though. iif i knew it would help i would right now. spent another hour on the phone with the nurses and the help line. i just cant seem to get an answer to what is happenning.

i am feeling more and more suicidal which sucks bc i dont want to die.

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Sep 25, 2004 4:46 pm

i am really suicidal right now. i gave my fire-arm in to the local police station for safe keeping. i wish i had enough meds to od. i am just getting worse by the day, and the only person i had to support me told me she cant handle this anymore

which is fair. i felt so guilty anyway talking to her. and am glad she could tell me she cant handle it anymore. it is so unfair to her anyway, me and all my shite on top of her problems.

what to do? i do not know anymore

truce · Post by **truce** » Sat Sep 25, 2004 9:27 pm

so i have been playing 15 minutes again until now. cant do it anymore. need to cut. dont want to but have to. i have this thing with domestic violence and child molestation. i lose it if that happens, have no control over me if i hear about it. no girl/lady/woman or child deserves that.

i really am patient and never lose my temper, but that freaks me out, do not mess with a helpless person. or i will mess with you and that is not pretty.

littlethings · Post by **littlethings** » Sun Sep 26, 2004 12:22 am

I'm proud of you for giving your fire-arm to the police for safe-keeping. That was a great decision if you feel unsafe. I'm sorry that you've had to deal with a domestic violence situation in some way.

Is there a therapist or someone you can go to/call for help IRL?

JoAnna

truce · Post by **truce** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:45 am

ty little things.

i was really triggery. landed up cutting again that night anyway. and probably the worst ever. should have gone to get stitches, am in for some real bad scars on my arms now. oh well, such is life.

i battle with trying to get the urge away. i phoned the sister at the psychiatric hospital again and spoke to her for ages on the phone. it just doesnt seem to help. i find it easir to speak tp ppl on-line than irl. i have become so adept at hiding my feelings from ppl irl that when i talk to them it does not really help.

i mean 2 hours and i still cut, and even worse. her only advice was contact your doctor and have your meds reviewed which i shall do.

i dont actually have much else to do right now. well besides cutting on saturday night after all of that, i have made over 36 hours, which is a good thing, cross your fingers that next time i post it's already been 72 hours.

truce · Post by **truce** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 2:15 pm

and i feel like cutting again, ive got 2 hours and a couple of minutes to go and ive made 48 hours. nothing physically is triggering me. im cleaning my room and moving it around for a change, done washing, got new linen, trying to do positive things.

i feel kinda lonely, but then i always feel that way. im starting to get a mean headache. i did take my anti-depressants a tad late today, but all my other meds i have taken on time.

my mood just dropped. suddenly in like the last 5 minutes. i hate this. im starting to shake again too.

i had a good nights sleep last night (11 hours) for a change and all of them peaceful. its 3:12pm now. what is it? why is it? i kno i should probably lj this or something and keep it to myself. i cant though. i need some-one to read how i feel and now and again send a hug or idea or something. so sorry to all of you who are stuck with me.

will a mod or admin just tell me to take it elsewhere if its nescassery

littlethings · Post by **littlethings** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 2:57 pm

Oh, I hate those sorts of urges, the kind where you are doing fine, and then all of the sudden you start shaking and your mood drops. I really hate those. I get headaches then too, I usually just take ibeprofin or tylenol for those. Don't really have any other good advice, but I can sympathize.

I think it's pretty cool you've made it 46 hours so far.

You don't have to be sorry for not keeping this to yourself. Fighting an urge is an admirable goal, and you don't have to feel sorry for that.

take care,
JoAnna

truce · Post by **truce** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 6:37 pm

so after feeling so urgey, i've tried a couple of things, but am feeling even worse right now. after my last post. i decided to try get out a bit, took my friend (who is in a wheelchair) out for a walk so he could get some sun.

thought that might do me some good too. i was wrong. the further i got from the house the more i got nervous, anxious. that same vultures in the stomache feeling i have know.

anyway got home and made him some supper as i am lookinf after him for these two weeks. a client came over and i got some work, thats a good thing i think. have to travel the country for 4 days, take photos and stuff at night clubs for the launch of a new drink. all expenses paid trip around the country, over 6000-00 in the pocket, i should be feeling good.

but lately i get so anxious in crowds. but he's trying to help. he knows about my si, not setails just that i do.

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spoiler graphic si description
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really graohic cutting description mentioned (mentioned due to something seen and the way it is causing me to urge right now)
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so anyway, then a friend came over to show me Britney Spears' music video on everytime. it's one of the songs i like from her. i like the piano and stuff, i've always found it quite relaxing playing that song in the background

anyway 2 minutes 32 seconds in, she is lying in the bath, touches her head and there is blood on her hand, i think it is supposed to be blood but could also be the red bracelet she is wearing on her left wrist, she puts her hand in the water and it looks like blood that dissolves into the bath water.

now when i saw that, my urging went through the roof. i always used to cut in the bath. i enjoyed the way my blood would "float" away from the cuts, this may sound sick to some of you i suppose, and turn all the water pink.

i do not allow myself to cut in the bath anymore, but when i saw that, it was so real, it made me not just urge but actually crave so bad.

and i'm fighting it. it's been 23 minutes since i watched the video. i'm gonna try play some games on bus or something, but that image is back in my head, and i really really want to cut bad.

truce · Post by **truce** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 9:26 pm

It's a bit belated, but thank-you for your answer JoAnna. ((Hugs))

I got through it. that was probably one of the worst urges i have ever been through. played games on bus (am now sick of counting to 5000 forwards, backwards and in roman numerals etc) watched way too many friends reruns, but made it. wooohooo

i am emotionally and physically drained but i know i made 48 hours but cant remember by how much, but its two days, can you all say that with me, 2 days!!!!!

littlethings · Post by **littlethings** » Mon Sep 27, 2004 11:18 pm

2 days!
Congratulations.

I've seen that B. Spears video. It bothered me too, good job for making it through that urge.

JoAnna

Post by **Jomomma** » Tue Sep 28, 2004 4:42 am

2 days!!!!
WHOO HOO!!!

I'm glad you were able to take care of yourself

Jo

truce · Post by **truce** » Wed Sep 29, 2004 4:27 pm

yesterday i tried to post here 4 times, once i actually pressed submit but then deleted the post. anyway i did post to the buslist. and to a long days arc, but all i did was ask for hugs. i just did not feel like talking about where i was. anyway i narrowly missed 3 days. today i posted this somewhere else too but wanted to add it here also.

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To all of you, thanks for your thoughts and hugs. You guys are great.

Unfortunately I still SI’ed. I feel I let you down (I know I shouldn’t but it’s how I feel) but most of all that I let myself down. I made a promise to myself that I would never be allowed to cut in a certain room or a certain place on my body, and I did. I don’t really feel guilty about cutting, I tried my best not to, distractions, friends etc, so I did my best and couldn’t not do it anymore. I’m just disappointed I didn’t take control of where, when and how and I let the urge win that part of the battle.

Anyway, I believe in a saying that somebody famous once said, and I use it often, ”it’s not how you fall down that matters, it’s how you get back up again that is important.” So I will strive once again to get control back.
And see if I can make 4 days this time. Then I’m throwing a party with balloons, hats, cup cakes and everything and you guys are all invited.

Hugs to all of you, happy thoughts to those who prefer them and hideously pink party blowers for every-one.

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***************SPOILER SI MENTIONED *******************

i will try work through the questionarre again, but not now, i know it's almost been 24 hours since i cut, but i am digusted in myself that i let myself cut my wrists. that i allowed myself to sit in the bath and do it. that i allowed myself to sit there and bleed until i felt dizzy and the water was red.

i just had such a numbness inside of me, such a feeling of frustration and weakness, worthlessness inside of me.

i suppose the good news is that i know most afternoons, i start urging, yet never mind how down i feel today, how bad my headache is, this is the first afternoon i have not urged. and it's 5:25pm well i did take my mood stabalizers 2 hours earlier than i normally do, (2 1/2 hours ago) where i normally only take them now, so that may be a factor. *note to self discuss this with pdoc.

thanks again for listening

trying to understand why i want to cut right now (spoiler si

trying to understand why i want to cut right now (spoiler si

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