tired of fighting the urges

[soulstory]

Right now I feel pretty close to SI'ing. The urges aren't nearly as strong as they've been in the past, but I feel less of a desire to fight them. It doesn't help that I've had SI dreams for the last 2 nights. It feels almost inevitable right now, but maybe it can be prevented.

If I hurt myself, my situation won't change too much. I don't really even have majorly intense emotions right now, so that won't change with SI. I don't really know what "situation" it is that is making me want to SI. Maybe it's because I haven't SI'd in 7 months and I miss it. If I SI, I won't miss it anymore.

Hurting myself will complicate all of the things going on in my life right now. It will make school more difficult... same with my relationship. But, it'll make me feel connected to that part of myself again.

In the long run, I want to believe that I have healthy coping mechanisms. I want to deal with stress without doing something that permanently affects my life in a negative way. I don't want SI to seem like a good friend. Hurting myself won't exactly help with these goals.

The relief from SI will be short-lived, and then pain from it will be long-term. When the initial rush is gone, I'll focus on taking care of my wounds for the next several months. I'll also probably be fighting even stronger urges to SI again.

I don't really know of anything I want to do right now to keep from hurting myself. Sure, I could go do some homework or rent a movie, but I don't really want to. Ultimately, I'll probably just keep putting off the SI. That won't change the situation I'm in, but the situation I'm in doesn't really seem like the problem anyway. Distraction gets me through the moment, but it doesn't change anything in the long-run. I guess I just keep distracting myself and putting it off in hopes that one day I'll wake up and not have the urge.

If I hurt myself today, tomorrow I'll feel anxious. If I don't hurt myself today, tomorrow I'll still want to hurt myself.

Right now, I really want to obsess about SI, but I'll distract myself instead.

[kcat]

When I was in DBT therapy I learned the term "urge-surfing." It is something I still think about when I feel like you describe. I feel like that alot--like its all pointless because I'm just postponing the inevitable. I try to visualize myself going along just skimming the tips of my urges...trying to stay focused on everything "below" them: i.e. what I am "doing"--whatever I'm doing to distract, like working, reading, being on BUS, talking to a friend, drawing, whatever I have decided on as my distraction. My mind drifts back to the urge but I try to keep the urge on the very "top" of my mind, like the urge is riding the top of a wave. I know all of this sounds stupid and tacky, as much of DBT lingo does at first, but if you really try to visualize it, and you are a visual person, it can work. Just think "urge-surfing." I dunno, maybe it will help.

Bye!

[soulstory]

Thanks for the feedback, Kcat. "urge-surfing" is something I have to keep trying to do. Fortunately, today the urges aren't as major and I've got more to distract myself with. I guess it really is a day at a time, huh?