late nite urges (again)

[swanfaerie]

figured i'd better come in here and answer some Q's b4 i actually do anything.......


Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
cuz i was thinking about the times i've purposefully triggered myself by watching movies, tv shows, etc., to bring all the sh** to the forefront of my mind. and now i feel like a sicko for realizing i purposefully do that. that i consciously have chosen to trigger myself. (why would i want to relive bad mems?)


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
of course i've been here b4. stayed in games and played till i couldn't stand them anymore (the games that is). or went nutso doing housework (too bad i already did the laundry). i felt freaked out, scared, out of control, scared, on the cliff's edge, scared.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
im'ing. lit some sandalwood incense. currently watching M*A*S*H reruns while i'm posting. what else can i do? go to bed and a get a decent nite's rest.


How do I feel right now?
my feet are ice cold yet i'm enjoying the almost painful feeling of that. my arms feel like a cross between gumby's arms and lead weights. i'm starting to go to that floaty place where everything's fine cuz none of it matters anyhow.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?in control!!!


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
immediately after hurting myself i'll still feel in control. and i'll feel emotionally numb cuz with any luck i'll actually feel the si pain this time.
tomorrow morning??? i'll be po'd at myself cuz i plan on wearaing shorts and propbly wouldn't be able to. plus i'd probly have to tell my t at tomorrow's appt cuz i'm pretty sure she'll ask about my si status.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
avoid the stressor of realizing the sh** i do to myself on purpose? how does one avoid the truth....if the truth is a stressor then i have even bigger problems.
deal better by getting normal sleep. by not having to work rotating shifts.
--actually the fact that i'm posting instead of si'ing right now is a good sign.


Do I need to hurt myself?
idk. the intellect says no i don't need to, but yet i do.

*******

ok, must go find slippers and perhaps eat. i'm starting to feel shaky.

[swanfaerie]

same place i was in last nite. maybe i just shouldn't do nites. and it's only 8:30.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i won't have to feel. it won't change a GD thing about the situation. i know that.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring emotinal calm. it will make the frenzied out of control feeling in my head and t/o my body go awy. i can't think of a think it'll take away from the situation except these god-awful emotions.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i don't want to feel anything. i really wanna su but i know i can't do that so at least si will keep me a live for a while longer. (like i'm happy about that prospect).

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
relief should get me thru the evening. then hopefull i'll sleep again. then in the morning i'll do ok till afternoon nap and then going to work then at 5 a.m. saturdsay morning i'll feel like sh** again, so i may just sstart all over.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i already soaked in the tub, then i washed my hair. couldn't shave my legs for obvious reasons. told kids i'd watch a movie w/them but first they need to take their baths and they're being slow about it. i'm on bus instead of si'ing. i'm watching a friends rerun. i could clean up the kitchen. but my energy is gone for housework. i've nothing left but a deep desire to si. so the alternatives are giving only short-term relief. and i'm running out of "what to do next" things.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will have not su'd. so i guess the rational side of me will feel good cuz who cares if i si, if i don't su andt herefore don't leave my kids orphans. idk how i'll feel tomorrow if i don't si. i can't imagine making it to tomorrow morning w/o si'ing.
actually i can't imagine tomorrow morning. this is so not a good mental space for me to be in. i'm scaring myself.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to go to sleep and wake up and have the nitemare of my life be set straight. honestly i think si'ing is self-protective cuz the alternative is one of about 3 lethal plans i have. (no i'm NOT threatening *su* i'm saying that si'ing will prevent that)


ok, anyone wanna give me any sort of feedback? and in the mood i'm in now, i'll try to take it graciously. i just feel like i'm teetering on the edge of the abyss w/o a lifeline.

[littlethings]

So are you saying you have the most trouble in the early morning and the night? Is there a way you can change your routines so that you less active or active in different ways at these times?

You said you take an afternoon nap, I'm a bit confused about the schedule you presented there- but do you feel worse after your nap?

this is just a guess: 8:30 seems early, I'm thinking you usually feel this way later at night? If you are no conditioned to be urgey at night the urges could "move up" in time, so that they start to happen in the early evening (because you and your body is anticipating the urge). So if you avoid being awake later your body will stop getting used to that schedule of urges.

take care,
JoAnna

[swanfaerie]

yeah that was a bit confusing. i work rotating shifts. so my sleep is always messed up anyhow. but nites do tend to be worse. and my comment about 8:30 is that usually i don't have my emotions start plummeting until at least 10p.m.
my late nite routine is get on bus, (late nite meaning after kids have gone to bed) check emails, goof around surfing the web. maybe bus is triggering me? i really don't think so, cuz i'm finally getting good at skipping over posts that have been triggered when i'm not in a good mental space. late nite is when i "chat" w/lots of people and that doesn't usually trigger me either.
most of it is sleep deprivation. and stopping a med. i'm feeling the effects of not taking the med anymore but i can't go back on it. so here i sit suffereing till i figure out how to live w/o the med.
i think the urgy thing may be conditioned cuz once kids are in bed, i don't have to worry about being interrupted should i si.
ironic thing is, i haven't si'd. but the urges are just about overwhelming.

ugh--i gotta start fixing dinner.

thanx for responding