ollie- i love you so much, you are the one for me and i can never tell you, you will never hear me. I so wish i could, i wish you could hear me and you said those words again. When you told me you loved me, that was my happiest, you in my eyes are perfect. I feel sick when i think of you. There seems no point without you. Since that first day i saw you i told you i liked you and you liked me back and we were what 14? You tellinh nik that you were gonna kill him coz he was with me... i wish i had never got with him... i would sacrifice so muh for you. You are so beautiful, funny, young at heart like me. I dont need you, i want you. I want you to want me, i want you to help me make all this better. You are in my dreams, in my thoughts and have been for the past 7 years... can you believe that... it was 7 years ago when we first met and my feelings havent changed at all, except to get stronger. With the thought of you everything just fits into place, everythings alright, its just chilled. Why does it have to be this way. Why is it that im trapped here, constantly falling and you are the light in my dreams... ive havent even physically seen you for about half a year but you are the only light i have. The thought of you gives me the feeling that there are things worth fighting for. Everything else seems so insignificant next to you. I couldnt care if the world was going to end if i was with. Im preying that these words magically reach you, that you can feel them inside, i prey that you would say those words to me again. I would give it all for you. I think its over though isnt it? Youve got your own life now, your happy i guess, which is good. I dont think i will ever stop loving you, i dont think i can ever give up these feelings.
HEAR ME PLEASE
i fear you are gone forever but i will never stop loving you.
why?
Things Left Unsaid *LA*
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fairy_punk_princess
- growing roots
- Posts: 761
- Joined: Tue May 20, 2003 6:06 pm
ric - why did you have to hurt me so much? i agreed that we should break up, it was the right decision but why couldn't we stay friends? you said we would, i thought it'd go back to best friends like it was before but now you just ignore me and treat me like you never cared. 
<center>:pinkstar: 
need more friends with wings
</center>
need more friends with wings
</center>-
Guest
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kurdt_kobain
- forum moderator emeritus
- Posts: 7964
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 11:22 pm
- Gender: Vagina Positive
- Location: Southeast US / Age: 22
- Contact:
I'm awful. You don't understand. I'm a horrible excuse for a person, and you're going to find this out and you're going to hate me. I know you will. I'm scared to get close to you because you're going to find this out, use me, and then tell me I suck. And I'm going to feel so sorry for lying to you all this time and trying to pass myself off as a decent person that I will do anything you ask me to.
You don't know me. I'm awful.
You don't know me. I'm awful.
but it's a lot harder than it looks because even though
they had the same size feet as us, they weren't looking
down the whole time while they walked to make sure
they were doing it right.
[story people]
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kurdt_kobain
- forum moderator emeritus
- Posts: 7964
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 11:22 pm
- Gender: Vagina Positive
- Location: Southeast US / Age: 22
- Contact:
I wanted a mark on my body that would scar and remind me of you every time I looked at it. I cut my wrist today for you. I didn't mean it to hurt you; for some odd reason I wanted a scar to remember you by forever.
but it's a lot harder than it looks because even though
they had the same size feet as us, they weren't looking
down the whole time while they walked to make sure
they were doing it right.
[story people]
grampa - i love you. more than anything, more than the world and life itself. and i miss you so much. i hate myself for what i did, i wish i could take it back. i'm sorry i disappointed you, that i wasn't there, that i wasn't a good granddaughter. i want to take it back, want to bring you back. i can't fix it, i can't make this right. i'm sorry. please forgive me, i know i don't deserve it... but i don't know how to live with this.
bill - i don't know how to talk to you. i know you're here and you want to help, but i don't know what's wrong with me, or how to say it. i'm sorry.
bill - i don't know how to talk to you. i know you're here and you want to help, but i don't know what's wrong with me, or how to say it. i'm sorry.
i thought i was a fool for no one, but baby i'm a fool for you.
[safe since february 2005.]
[safe since february 2005.]
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kurdt_kobain
- forum moderator emeritus
- Posts: 7964
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 11:22 pm
- Gender: Vagina Positive
- Location: Southeast US / Age: 22
- Contact:
I"M A FUCKER AND YOU'RE GOING TO HATE ME AND EVERYONE HATES ME. UNDERSTAND? I FUCKING WANT TO RIP MYSELF INTO PIECES EVERYTIME I SEE YOU. I HATE THIS. I HATE THIS. I'M SHIT.
I've thought about you. I want you to cut me. I want you to take my blade and swish it through your mouth like I do. I want you to [size=0] drag it slowly across my skin. I want to watch the blood rise and have you sitting next to me as I wet my finger with a glistening red color and smear it down my arm. I bleed so pretty.[/size]
I've thought about you. I want you to cut me. I want you to take my blade and swish it through your mouth like I do. I want you to [size=0] drag it slowly across my skin. I want to watch the blood rise and have you sitting next to me as I wet my finger with a glistening red color and smear it down my arm. I bleed so pretty.[/size]
but it's a lot harder than it looks because even though
they had the same size feet as us, they weren't looking
down the whole time while they walked to make sure
they were doing it right.
[story people]
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Mama Shess
- one of us
- Posts: 6
- Joined: Mon Aug 30, 2004 2:30 pm
H: Yes, he does do things to get your attention! You aren’t stupid, so stop acting like a fucking moron. He needs you to notice him. Needs you to see him. Needs to know that you think he is a valuable member of the human race. It’s sad that it took this to make you realize it. Now look at him. Hear him. Tell him how you really feel. I’ve always told him that you really do care, but that you just weren’t good at showing it. He needs to hear it from YOU. Stop being the silent manly type and talk to your fucking kid! Honestly, try talking to both of them. You might be surprised at how much you’ll learn.
R: You are the most caring person that I have ever known. But you can’t fix everything for everyone. Stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You are one person, and you are so young, and it is hard enough dealing with your own issues. No way in hell you can bear everyone else’s pain too. You have to learn to stop caring so damn much. Just once, say “Fuck you” to the world instead of cutting yourself up cause you can’t bear to see their pain. People hurt. That’s part of being human. You’ll never be able to make it all go away. And Please, PLEASE, think about a profession other than a doctor. I am so proud that you have worked your ass off in school so that you can do this some day, but it could destroy you. Jesus, and to think that I was the one who encouraged you to reach out and care about other people.
Me: You idiot. It’s long past kissing boo boos to make them better. Read what you just wrote. You can’t fix everything either. Realize that you aren’t some super mom with all of the answers. Learn that it’s OK to not be perfect. Just once, trust that it is alright to just do the best you can. Sometimes, your kids have to figure things out for themselves. You set yourself us as the pillar of your family. You put yourself in place as the strong one. Now you’ve gotta deal with it. Time to suck it up old lady and admit that you don’t have the answers this time.
R: You are the most caring person that I have ever known. But you can’t fix everything for everyone. Stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. You are one person, and you are so young, and it is hard enough dealing with your own issues. No way in hell you can bear everyone else’s pain too. You have to learn to stop caring so damn much. Just once, say “Fuck you” to the world instead of cutting yourself up cause you can’t bear to see their pain. People hurt. That’s part of being human. You’ll never be able to make it all go away. And Please, PLEASE, think about a profession other than a doctor. I am so proud that you have worked your ass off in school so that you can do this some day, but it could destroy you. Jesus, and to think that I was the one who encouraged you to reach out and care about other people.
Me: You idiot. It’s long past kissing boo boos to make them better. Read what you just wrote. You can’t fix everything either. Realize that you aren’t some super mom with all of the answers. Learn that it’s OK to not be perfect. Just once, trust that it is alright to just do the best you can. Sometimes, your kids have to figure things out for themselves. You set yourself us as the pillar of your family. You put yourself in place as the strong one. Now you’ve gotta deal with it. Time to suck it up old lady and admit that you don’t have the answers this time.
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kurdt_kobain
- forum moderator emeritus
- Posts: 7964
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 11:22 pm
- Gender: Vagina Positive
- Location: Southeast US / Age: 22
- Contact:
-
Guest
Arggh... I don't even know why I'm saying this. Or trying to say it, because the words aren't there. But here goes, and anyway, this is buried in a place I know you will never find it, so what does it matter, really? So here goes. And I've just realised all that was prevaricating, because I don't want to say this. Well, I do, or I wouldn't be saying it. But it's very hard.
I am happy, now, more or less. There is a lot more good in my life than there is bad, and I have Michal, who I love more than I knew I could love anyone. And even on the bad, sad, mad days, I know I'll get through because of what I have now.
And I was reading a lot about forgiveness recently. To really heal, you're meant to forgive, right? But I don't forgive you. And I don't think I have to. I don't usually think I need to for healing, either, because I don't feel all that damaged by you. You were probably a factor in things escalating to the extent that they did, but you weren't a cause, and I honestly, honestly don't believe that you 'scarred' me in any more than a physical sense. But maybe you did have more of an effect on me than I want to think, else why would I even be writing this?
I said I don't forgive you. I mean it. I don't see how anyone could forgive someone who did to them what you did to me. And there is never going to come a time when I say it's OK, because it isn't. It really isn't OK to do what you did. I'm not entirely blameless, I know that. You'd be surprised at how much responsibility I take. I knew you had another side before we got together, and I knew ages and ages before I left how bad that side was. And I should have walked. I have to take my share of the blame for that. I should have walked at the beginning, because what we turned into wasn't healthy for either of us. And, if I'm so honest it hurts, I know I am not always easy to live with. I know I can wind people up. I know I do it deliberately sometimes. And I'm not saying I wanted to make you mad so that you'd hurt me, not at all. I'm saying that this was the only area where I could compete with you. You could shout a lot louder in a screaming match, you could manipulate everyone we knew into supporting you so much better than I could, and as for physical strength... well, we don't need to go there. I couldn't get to you any other way. My only weapon against you was knowing which buttons to push to upset you. And sometimes, the need to fight you was so much stronger than the fear of what I'd get for it. As if the fact that you were going to hurt me was irrelevant, because what mattered was that I had managed to hurt or annoy or irritate or confuse or disturb you. Not that I think I managed to hurt you much. I don’t know what hurts you. I never saw you cry or heard you talk about sadness. Something hurts you really badly, I think, but I’m damned if I know what it is, and if I don’t know, who the hell does apart from you? If you do…
But. I think the hate is still there. I think it's nicely hidden beneath the 'I don't need to heal because you didn't affect me much' part. And it explodes in my sometimes. It's irrational, because I don't think about you much, and usually when I do it's like thinking of a stranger I once asked for the time or something. Just sometimes, though you’re in my head and you take it over completely. I don’t feel scared any more, or vulnerable, but sometimes I feel hurt, or angry, or sad, or confused, or guilty, or worthless, or sickened, or blindingly furious. You might be what they call an abuser. I might be an enabler. I don’t think I am, though. No one else has ever treated me like that.
(Do you ever remember? Do you ever go back?)
It has taken me all day to write this, a few lines at a time, and I still don’t know if I said what I want to say. I think I was honest, even when I didn’t want to be. I think that having done this will be a good thing. For me, if not for you, because lets be honest here, I’m never going to send this to you. You haven’t been anywhere near me since I talked to GW, and no closure is worth opening it all up again by contacting you. And, staying with the honesty, I’m still too scared to do anything like that.
I want a pithy line to throw out here, to end this letter, and I don’t have one.
I am happy, now, more or less. There is a lot more good in my life than there is bad, and I have Michal, who I love more than I knew I could love anyone. And even on the bad, sad, mad days, I know I'll get through because of what I have now.
And I was reading a lot about forgiveness recently. To really heal, you're meant to forgive, right? But I don't forgive you. And I don't think I have to. I don't usually think I need to for healing, either, because I don't feel all that damaged by you. You were probably a factor in things escalating to the extent that they did, but you weren't a cause, and I honestly, honestly don't believe that you 'scarred' me in any more than a physical sense. But maybe you did have more of an effect on me than I want to think, else why would I even be writing this?
I said I don't forgive you. I mean it. I don't see how anyone could forgive someone who did to them what you did to me. And there is never going to come a time when I say it's OK, because it isn't. It really isn't OK to do what you did. I'm not entirely blameless, I know that. You'd be surprised at how much responsibility I take. I knew you had another side before we got together, and I knew ages and ages before I left how bad that side was. And I should have walked. I have to take my share of the blame for that. I should have walked at the beginning, because what we turned into wasn't healthy for either of us. And, if I'm so honest it hurts, I know I am not always easy to live with. I know I can wind people up. I know I do it deliberately sometimes. And I'm not saying I wanted to make you mad so that you'd hurt me, not at all. I'm saying that this was the only area where I could compete with you. You could shout a lot louder in a screaming match, you could manipulate everyone we knew into supporting you so much better than I could, and as for physical strength... well, we don't need to go there. I couldn't get to you any other way. My only weapon against you was knowing which buttons to push to upset you. And sometimes, the need to fight you was so much stronger than the fear of what I'd get for it. As if the fact that you were going to hurt me was irrelevant, because what mattered was that I had managed to hurt or annoy or irritate or confuse or disturb you. Not that I think I managed to hurt you much. I don’t know what hurts you. I never saw you cry or heard you talk about sadness. Something hurts you really badly, I think, but I’m damned if I know what it is, and if I don’t know, who the hell does apart from you? If you do…
But. I think the hate is still there. I think it's nicely hidden beneath the 'I don't need to heal because you didn't affect me much' part. And it explodes in my sometimes. It's irrational, because I don't think about you much, and usually when I do it's like thinking of a stranger I once asked for the time or something. Just sometimes, though you’re in my head and you take it over completely. I don’t feel scared any more, or vulnerable, but sometimes I feel hurt, or angry, or sad, or confused, or guilty, or worthless, or sickened, or blindingly furious. You might be what they call an abuser. I might be an enabler. I don’t think I am, though. No one else has ever treated me like that.
(Do you ever remember? Do you ever go back?)
It has taken me all day to write this, a few lines at a time, and I still don’t know if I said what I want to say. I think I was honest, even when I didn’t want to be. I think that having done this will be a good thing. For me, if not for you, because lets be honest here, I’m never going to send this to you. You haven’t been anywhere near me since I talked to GW, and no closure is worth opening it all up again by contacting you. And, staying with the honesty, I’m still too scared to do anything like that.
I want a pithy line to throw out here, to end this letter, and I don’t have one.
he invited lauren. lauren of all people. he didn't even mention it to me. instead, he invited me over so we can fuck on saturday. he said he wants to make sure i can go over then, because he wants to see me. he doesn't mind taking lauren to a party, but i can't go because he won't want to be around other people with me... he only wants me to do stuff with him. because that's all i'm good for. and today he said he really hopes i can go over tomorrow. i asked him why, because he sees me every day at school. and he said 'yeah but not like that'. right, because he can't screw me at school... that's what gg's supposed to do. mess around with him, she loves him.
w kissed me. well not on the mouth but it was a kiss. and he was all over me, i let him. i feel dirty. i didn't know he had a girlfriend. he didn't tell me. i want to know why i'm unworthy of knowing that, even though it's important. i wouldn't have let him if i'd known about lindsey. why didn't he tell me?
i hate my dad. he's not worthy of that name.
i used to be innocent. i used to believe. i don't anymore. why not? someone save me please.
w kissed me. well not on the mouth but it was a kiss. and he was all over me, i let him. i feel dirty. i didn't know he had a girlfriend. he didn't tell me. i want to know why i'm unworthy of knowing that, even though it's important. i wouldn't have let him if i'd known about lindsey. why didn't he tell me?
i hate my dad. he's not worthy of that name.
i used to be innocent. i used to believe. i don't anymore. why not? someone save me please.
i thought i was a fool for no one, but baby i'm a fool for you.
[safe since february 2005.]
[safe since february 2005.]
he did it. i let him do it. i was going to tell him, now i can't. he can have fun with gaelen, do whatever the hell he wants. i almost trusted him. all mind games, why did i believe it? HE ONLY WANTS TO FUCK ME. nothing else, i'm not good enough for anything else. need to cut. have to bleed, that's all i can do.
i thought i was a fool for no one, but baby i'm a fool for you.
[safe since february 2005.]
[safe since february 2005.]
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kurdt_kobain
- forum moderator emeritus
- Posts: 7964
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 11:22 pm
- Gender: Vagina Positive
- Location: Southeast US / Age: 22
- Contact:
[size=0]I really like him. I like the way his voice sounds when he talks to me. I like the way he laughs with his whole body. I like the way his eyes look when he smiles. I like him. Aren't I lame? Becuase I know I can't trust him. I know all this stuff about him, and I know it's true.
He knows I'm not his girlfriend; I'm very vocal about that. But every time he sees me he puts his arm around me, and I don't say anything about it even though it's really annoying to everyone there. People keep telling me how he uses people, but the only thing that keeps me from believing him is that I won't ever let myself be used by a guy.
Strange, eh? I really like him. I'm such a whore. I dunno, you know? I'm confused about the whole thing. I wish he didn't like me. It'd be easier then.
[/size]
He knows I'm not his girlfriend; I'm very vocal about that. But every time he sees me he puts his arm around me, and I don't say anything about it even though it's really annoying to everyone there. People keep telling me how he uses people, but the only thing that keeps me from believing him is that I won't ever let myself be used by a guy.
Strange, eh? I really like him. I'm such a whore. I dunno, you know? I'm confused about the whole thing. I wish he didn't like me. It'd be easier then.
[/size]
but it's a lot harder than it looks because even though
they had the same size feet as us, they weren't looking
down the whole time while they walked to make sure
they were doing it right.
[story people]
-
kurdt_kobain
- forum moderator emeritus
- Posts: 7964
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 11:22 pm
- Gender: Vagina Positive
- Location: Southeast US / Age: 22
- Contact:
And as long as I'm admitting this...
[size=0]He kissed me twice at the movies. He had his arm around me, and he was resting his head on my shoulder when I was slouched in the seat. He sat up straight and kissed the top of my head, and then later kissed my cheek. It was odd... I just didn't look at him.[/size]
[size=0]He kissed me twice at the movies. He had his arm around me, and he was resting his head on my shoulder when I was slouched in the seat. He sat up straight and kissed the top of my head, and then later kissed my cheek. It was odd... I just didn't look at him.[/size]
but it's a lot harder than it looks because even though
they had the same size feet as us, they weren't looking
down the whole time while they walked to make sure
they were doing it right.
[story people]
-
FlyingPenguins
- unpacking boxes
- Posts: 47
- Joined: Tue Sep 07, 2004 5:50 pm
- Location: UK
A: Will you just grow up and stop trying to make everything a joke!!!!! somethings are just not funny the first time and especially not the 753rd time!!!! can't u get it into ur stupid head that at the moment i would appreciate ur help and support that i'm sure u have somewhere under ur mean, sarcastic and jokey outershell. please...
J: i thought u were my friend??? how did everything just change so much? when did he become so much more important than the rest of us put together???? WHEN??? don't we deserve just a bit of ur time?!
M: Why did u have to go like that?? i needed to say goodbye but i never knew what was happening... 15 years and i still don't know what ur voice sounds like, or what colour ur eyes were, or if u used to hug me when i was feeling sad. all i know of u is other people's memories and what i've been told. i want more than just remembering what the cancer did to u, and how u were too ill to take me to my first day of school, and how i was woken in the middle of the night to watch you die. sometimes i hate you for leaving me all alone and without just one happy memory, although i know i should love you i don't know what i'm supposed to love. i think about u all the time but i don't know what i'm supposed to be thinking about - am i remembering something i can't explain or am i just guessing what a mother should be like????? sometimes i wish you were here, but then everything would be different and all that i know would be false. do u know how much i hate what you did to me??? you just died and left me before i even knew you, before i had time to grieve so now, 15 years later, i'm here starting to grieve for you, and needing razors and drugs to do so, all the time wondering who will be next to abandon me just like you did instead of making friends and boyfriends and going out having fun, drinking, chatting to strangers and just liking the skin i'm in. how could you leave me to face all this on my own? i know its not your fault, or mine, but surely there could have something someone could have done. anything. just something... i need you mummy, please
J: i thought u were my friend??? how did everything just change so much? when did he become so much more important than the rest of us put together???? WHEN??? don't we deserve just a bit of ur time?!
M: Why did u have to go like that?? i needed to say goodbye but i never knew what was happening... 15 years and i still don't know what ur voice sounds like, or what colour ur eyes were, or if u used to hug me when i was feeling sad. all i know of u is other people's memories and what i've been told. i want more than just remembering what the cancer did to u, and how u were too ill to take me to my first day of school, and how i was woken in the middle of the night to watch you die. sometimes i hate you for leaving me all alone and without just one happy memory, although i know i should love you i don't know what i'm supposed to love. i think about u all the time but i don't know what i'm supposed to be thinking about - am i remembering something i can't explain or am i just guessing what a mother should be like????? sometimes i wish you were here, but then everything would be different and all that i know would be false. do u know how much i hate what you did to me??? you just died and left me before i even knew you, before i had time to grieve so now, 15 years later, i'm here starting to grieve for you, and needing razors and drugs to do so, all the time wondering who will be next to abandon me just like you did instead of making friends and boyfriends and going out having fun, drinking, chatting to strangers and just liking the skin i'm in. how could you leave me to face all this on my own? i know its not your fault, or mine, but surely there could have something someone could have done. anything. just something... i need you mummy, please
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
If happy little Penguins fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
Penguin's Place
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me
If happy little Penguins fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
Penguin's Place
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kurdt_kobain
- forum moderator emeritus
- Posts: 7964
- Joined: Thu Jun 26, 2003 11:22 pm
- Gender: Vagina Positive
- Location: Southeast US / Age: 22
- Contact:
I cannot believe you did that. It's an invasion of my privacy you STUPID BITCH. I HATE YOU. Just go away and leave me alone.
but it's a lot harder than it looks because even though
they had the same size feet as us, they weren't looking
down the whole time while they walked to make sure
they were doing it right.
[story people]
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