before - answering the questions

[Susa]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
. . The situation won't change, but I will feel punished and will receive that moment of elation when I first do it.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
. . It will bring punishment. It will take away my healed arm and I will have to hide it.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
. . I want to feel free of self injury. Doing it will make me feel guilty about doing it, but will give me some control that I can do it and no one can stop me.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
. . The relief will last for the evening and then beginning tomorrow, I will have to hide it unless I am clever enough to make it look like an accident. I will have major guilt, but I will feel like I don't have to live up to being free of injury for a longer period of time because that time will be over.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
. . I just can't think of anything else that will work right now. I have already put it off for two days. I don't see my situation ever changing.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
. . I will feel guilt, tomorrow. I wish I could think of something else that brings the same relief. Tylenol doesn't work. I have a really bad headache and have had it for two weeks.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
. . I wish I could cry. It would relieve some pressure. I don't understand what "honor the self-protective instinct" means.


I don't seem to be getting notifications of replies from BUS right now, but I will check back in a couple hours.

[littlethings]

- punish yourself for what? a perceived failure, something you did or said? If someone else did whatever it was that you did- would you hurt them? Would they deserve to be hurt? How is that different from you?

- You want to be free of self-injury. But perhaps the best thing you can do is gain control over your self-injury. Self-injury can be just as controlling as a person.

- You say you have "put it off" for two days. Whether you realize it or not, the situation has changed, because you have proved that you are strong enough to make it two days. That's something you controlled, and something you can be proud of.

- You can't think of anything else? Have you tried "punishing" yourself in non-SI ways? Like forcing yourself to clean up your room, or do something you need to but have been putting off for a while?

By the way, your self-protective instinct is that part of you that is saying you want to SI because it will make you feel better. I know it seems like punishment, that was/is still the thing that produced the most urges for me- you are trying to punish yourself, but by doing so you are using SI to ease some of the pain you are feeling (the pain that makes you want to punish yourself). That is your self-protective instinct working. You are trying to figure out a way to stop feeling the way you do now. But there are other coping mechanisms. Which one honors your self-protective instinct for both mental (feel better) and physical (keeping your body intact) safety?

JoAnna

[Susa]

"- punish yourself for what?" I think I need to punish me for turning out the way I did. I have accomplished very little and am not of value to others . . . . . . . . . unless of course they physically can't find anyone else to do what they need done. Otherwise I am not even thought of, I think.

"- You want to be free of self-injury. But perhaps the best thing you can do is gain control over your self-injury." I didn't cut for almost 6 months until April and now I seem to be afraid to get that much time in again because I can't fail that long length of time if the time doesn't exist. Does that make any sense? I seem to want to be free, but I don't want to let go. How can that be?

"-Have you tried 'punishing' yourself in non-SI ways? Like forcing yourself to clean up your room, or do something you need to but have been putting off for a while?" I laughed right out loud at this. LOL I never thought of that being a just punishment. I hate housework. Cleaning up or running the sweeper is definitely punishment. I have to think about this. (You need to know, that I am an old adult . . . . . . . in my 50's) I seem to have trouble motivating myself to get up and even do things I like to do. I am not sure the punishment would feel the same. There would be no physical pain or blood. But it just may be an idea. I seem to need to hurt my body. I am still pleased I laughed right out loud. I just never gave that a thought.

Thank you for telling me about the self protective instinct. That makes sense and I really think I knew that, but I never thought about it like you explained it.

Part of me seems like I should just cut on my wrist and get it over with, but yet, I would like to keep being able to wear short sleeves. I haven't cut there since last October (or was it November, I'm not sure now) and that seems to be where I am needing to cut. The three other little times were on my leg and I made them very tiny, so I have not gone back to my full-swing cutting. They just didn't seem to do it for me.

I know I am very frustrating.

[littlethings]

You aren't frustrating at all
What you're talking about is what this forum is for.

What you described about the wanting to be free of/afraid to give up self-injury is something I deal with too. I think a lot of us do.

Usually it does help me to think (if it's specific case of guilt) about someone else. I pick a random person I know and think "if so and so did __(failure)___, would they deserve to be physically punished?" Usually I end up laughing. Would I commit an act of violence against someone else if they overslept or missed a deadline? Of course not, that's ridiculous. And then it seems just a little bit less likely that I should do it to myself. Of course, that doesn't work as well when it's just a general feeling, but I do find it helpful sometimes.

Have you tried making lists of things positive things about yourself, or accomplishments you have completed? I know it can be difficult.

JoAnna

[Susa]

You are right that I give other people a lot of breaks. Their good over balances any bad they do and of course I would never do them any physical harm. I have never tried substituting their name for mine in the sentence.

I have tried making lists of good things about me. Somehow the list of pros doesn't balance the con. The list of good are things I did, but not necessarily who I am and it is hard to name the bad. The bad seems to be the root of me. The part of me that doesn't succeed or turns people off or at least makes other people overlook me. The bad things I can't sem to name. They just cause results.

I did not cut last night.

[littlethings]

I did not cut last night.

awesome. I don't know what to say about feeling like the core of you is bad. If you find the answer to that, give me a ring. I could use it too.

Now, this is very off-topic. You must excuse me, but I am very curious. Does your sig. say that you "kiss mean dogs on the mouth"?

My German is very, very weak...but that's how it reads to me and I am confused...

JoAnna

[Susa]

LOL My sig says "I kiss my dog on the mouth."


. . . . . . . . . . kiss, kiss, sweet lovey dog who has a precious heart of gold.

By the way, I still haven't cut.

[littlethings]

I understand now, I kiss my kitty- but not my dog (icky breath, icky, icky breath).

I'm glad you haven't self-injured.

JoAnna