*BEFORE* -ED- as well as -SI- stuff

[Jaded]

First things first, this mentions ED-ish stuff, I hope that is OK as that is my main trigger right now. If the ED stuff is inappropriate here please delete or let me know
Thanks


# Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I'm struggling a lot with eating issues, feel the need to punish myself for every bite of food I take. I also keep seeing children at work who remind me of myself, remind me of various physical, sexual and psychological abuse as a child and I fear for them...I want to hurt myself to take away hurt that could happen to them (I realise that this wont help them though) I also feel trapped at work, I work within a fence with locked gates...that reminds me of feeling trapped in my body and wanting to cut myself free.

# Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I've been here many times with both food issues and feeling trapped in my body. I usually deal with it by ignoring it and blocking it out, sometimes if I can't SI I will binge on food though that makes the urges worse in the long run.

# What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I hate expressed my anger at myself in my journal, am drinking a soothing cup of tea. When I have completed these questions I can go and have a nice long bath and perhaps draw and then call my boyfriend.

# How do I feel right now?

anxious and trapped in a body I hate

# How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

focused, controlled and as though I am getting what is right, my punishment

# How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

immediatley afterwards I will satisfied that I have been punished for being bad but in the morning I will feel guilty, for hurting myself when I told my boyfriend that I wasn't going to do it anymore and I will feel sore.

# Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I will have finished my job with the children on Tuesday and so the anxiety about their safety will be reduced. I don't know how to avoid the stress caused by food, I can't not eat as that will make things worse but I don't know how to feel comfortable about what I do eat.

# Do I need to hurt myself?

I don't need to, I think that I still want to but tonight I wont.

[Lyndsie]

It's good that your able to figure out that your main trigger is your ED, at the moment. (I'm going through the same things.) It's a struggle each day, but now you've realized that it's a main trigger for you, and may be able to deal with your si better.
I hope your ok. Take care of yourself.

[Jaded]

urges urges urges
triggered by my ED
triggered by work yesterday and SA flashbacks
triggered triggered triggered

I haven't harmed myself but today I have eaten so much that I feel sick, it's just another way of abusing my body and one I hate just as much as I hate SI. I need to get through tomorrow without giving in to the binge urges though. Failed today but tomorrow I cannot fail.

Why do I binge first? I should not binge first because the same questions that apply to the SI urges can apply to the binge urges.

I'm sorry, I think that this site is not about EDs I feel very ashamed of myself

[Jaded]

I'm still in the before for SI, urging a lot but managing not to.
Gave in to the urge to binge and that has intensified my feelings of self hatred and my desire to SI. I am utterly disgusted with myself and my body.

I wont SI tonight, I can't both SI and binge on the same night as it's a strain on my body to digest and fix the crap in my stomach and then heal a wound. I also have no tools...sure I can find tools in anything but I don't have my actual tools so will not SI.

Why did I give in to the binge though? I had been to the gym today, had eaten sensibly before the binge and had eaten enough, I hadn't restricted. I suppose it was lonliness but food wont stop me being lonely, the eating will give me something to do for a while but on a whole I will feel no less lonely, I will probably feel more lonely and will definatley feel worse overall as I will have to deal with the hurt of the loneliness and the disgust and self hatred which follow a binge...it makes it more difficult not to SI.

What to do next time I feel that I want to binge?
Have something to drink, fill my stomach with water so I have the uncomfortable, full feeling of a binge without the food...I will read, draw, actually watch a film...if things get really bad I can have a bath and treat my body. I can't have baths frequently because it's too expensive to heat the water but if things are bad then surely it's better to use up the electricity than to hurt myself physically and cause more emotional pain.

Sorry, I know that this board is more about SI but my SI and food issues are so closely entwined I need to work on both together.