I feel I need to hurt myself because it will relax me, and make me feel like I got what I deserved. I feel like I should do it. I think I'm just having a bad time lately. I haven't felt that happy for the last few weeks really. I've just come back from holiday, which was really good, but it was still hard because I lost my grandma less than two weeks ago and I have to go to the funeral on Friday. Also, I'm panicking over the GCSE results that come out tomorrow. Feelings of being a failure and being a disappointment to myself and others have been bothering me for ages during these exams. I don't feel like I've worked for my grades, and I know I won't be happy with them. Basically, everything is on top of me at the moment.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I've kind of been here before. My grandad died last year around about the same time that I was going to sit a GCSE exam early. And I dealt with that by ODing (SI, not SU) and going to hospital, and not going to school for weeks and so on... I felt much the same then as I do now, except that at the moment I feel a lot like I've blown my chances at getting good grades. I know it isn't the be all and end all, and that realistically, Bs and Cs are ok - but they aren't for me. I feel I should be getting As and A*s, because I believe I would have got those had I continued to work like I used to. I became lazy, and I hate myself for that. I was just utterly miserable this time last year as well, and I honestly don't know how I got out of the hole.
What have I done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've posted in my place and chatted to people on MSN. I could read a book, watch TV, talk to my sister, go to bed... but I feel a bit 'what's the point?'ish.
How do I feel right now?
Unhappy. Pointless. Ugly. Worthless. Stupid. Lazy. Selfish. Annoying. Lethargic. Confused. Angry - very angry, but I don't feel like I can express it at all. Just really low. Directionless.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Better. I'll feel calm, like I'm making everything ok for a while, like I'm not just letting things fester, rather I'm doing something 'good'. I'll feel relief because it's something I can do that I have control over and need to do. I'll feel like I have the power to fulfil a need, like it's one thing I can do well. I will feel pain, and I want to feel the pain, to focus on it.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Afterwards, I will be glad and relieved because I know it really does help. Tomorrow morning I'll probably worry about having to go to work and making sure no one sees. Also, I'll worry because I'm expected to go swimming soon and I won't be able to. I won't really regret it, but I will wish there was an easier way, and be angry and disappointed in myself.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I really don't know, I just can't get the feeling of being a failure out of my head. I know I have a good brain, and I hate myself for wasting it. That's the main trigger, but like I said everything is getting to me right now. Obviously losing a grandparent isn't that common, but my grandma's death has sparked a lot of nasty questions about the whole meaning of life and everything and I just feel confused and insignificant. Stupid really.
Do I need to hurt myself?
Technically, no. But I want to, and part of me thinks that maybe I do need to cut in order to do particular things, like handle the results day and the funeral better.
What a pickle.
