Strange craving **SI trigger**

[erinmv]

I'm warning you guys now...this may trigger so please be careful...


Alright, so let me give you a little background...I started SI about 9 years ago when I was severely depressed. I have been fairly SI free (and depression free) for about 5 years (note the "fairly"). I've slipped a few times and whenever I get really angry/sad/frustrated/insert strong emotion here, my first instinct is still to SI. Most of the time I don't but it's still there. I've never, ever found a true replacement for the release I get/got from it. I've found things that help take the edge off but no real substitute. I've learned to go without that feeling.

So I've been getting these weird cravings lately. And out of the blue, not like I'm upset at the moment or anything. I am literally craving SI. It's like I'm a junkie. I fantasize about it. Like daydream about it, like it's my fucking boyfriend or something. I don't want to get to detailed because I know it can be hard to read. I finally wrote it in my journal last night and it fucking freaked me out. I've never felt this way before. And even when I did SI, it was nothing like how I want it now.

Has anyone had this before? What do I do? It's gotten bad over the past few weeks. I know this is a supersensitive topic. But it's really creeping me out you guys. If anyone can talk about it with me I would appreciate it. But like I said, it's pretty triggery, I don't want anyone to take on too much. But any advice or feedback is much appreciated.

[green chameleon]

Oh yeah I can relate. It's like an addiction and for me it spiraled out of control all of a sudden. For years it went on at a slow steady pace then suddenly I couldn't get it out of my head. It's just something to get through momment by momment. If I can distract myself for about 5 mins. I can usually make it for at least half an hour.

Those intrusive negative thoughts are tough. My therapist tells me to think of why I'm too good to do that to myself but I tell her I don't really believe that.

Don't know what else to tell you. good luck

[soulstory]

Yep, I can relate! I have said many times that I feel like an SI junkie. The cravings can be so major sometimes. I really thought that after I had gone a couple of months without SI, the cravings would go away. Oddly, though, the first couple of months were easier for me than the last few months have been. It seems like the longer I go without SI, the more I feel I need it.

Sometimes it feels like I am courting SI in my mind... like a secret lover. And I think it is similar to how drug addicts fantasize about using... I fantasize about SI. But that's a dangerous place for me to be.

So mostly, I just put it off a few minutes at a time. That has worked for me so far.

[limestone]

Alright, so let me give you a little background...I started SI about 9 years ago when I was severely depressed. I have been fairly SI free (and depression free) for about 5 years (note the "fairly"). I've slipped a few times and whenever I get really angry/sad/frustrated/insert strong emotion here, my first instinct is still to SI. Most of the time I don't but it's still there. I've never, ever found a true replacement for the release I get/got from it. I've found things that help take the edge off but no real substitute. I've learned to go without that feeling.

When you say you've slipped, how long has it been since you last si'ed? What coping methods do you use? Have you tried meditation? imo, that has been the closest to the release si gave me. sounds weird i know, but there it is. Why do you think you still have the urge to si even though you're in a different place to 9 years ago? I get the sense from what you said that you don't feel thrilled about stopping si because you said you've learned to go *without* - maybe it might be easier to deal with if your perspective on si and stopping etc was different. but that's just my view - what are your feelings towards stopping. are you doing it for you or for others? why do you want to stop? is it an option when you are trying to stop? what do you get out of si'ing when you've been trying to stop and what do you get out of trying to stop/live without si?

So I've been getting these weird cravings lately. And out of the blue, not like I'm upset at the moment or anything. I am literally craving SI. It's like I'm a junkie. I fantasize about it. Like daydream about it, like it's my fucking boyfriend or something. I don't want to get to detailed because I know it can be hard to read. I finally wrote it in my journal last night and it fucking freaked me out. I've never felt this way before. And even when I did SI, it was nothing like how I want it now.

Has anyone had this before? What do I do? It's gotten bad over the past few weeks.

ok, when you fantasize about it what is the underlying reason for doing so? i.e. what do you imagine happening if you did si in the way that you want to? then, why do you want that to happen? It's ok to be scared about wanting to si badly but it is in your control. You can decide not to do it. I think it was a good idea to write want you wanted to do - I've done that in the past which really helped as it got it out of my system so to speak. have you been reading excessive amounts of material about si recently? that can have an impact. lastly, do you have anyone irl who supports you who you can talk to about this? If it gets worse, call a hotline.

take care,

[Splat*]

I do-- I crave SI ALL the time, even when I'm happy. Wish I knew how to make it go away...

[erinmv]

Thanks for the response guys. Limestone you really gave me a lot to think about. Thanks. OK let's see...

When you say you've slipped, how long has it been since you last si'ed?

I last did it about 3 months ago. But I did it about 2 or 3 times in the few months before which is a lot for at this stage in my life. Including those times I have done it max 10 times in the past 5 years or so.

What coping methods do you use? Have you tried meditation?

As far as coping goes, that's really only a small change. Let me explain...before I didn't know how to feel or what I was feeling and I felt completely out of control. Now I feel much more in control of myself and my feelings and thoughts. Which in turn, makes it easier to cope by default. I'm not as catastrophic as I used to be. But when I am upset I try running, listening to really loud music, sometimes writing. But for the most part I am able to just sit and let it pass. I haven't tried meditating. I always joke that I don't have enough patience...which is probably exactly why I should start.

Why do you think you still have the urge to si even though you're in a different place to 9 years ago? I get the sense from what you said that you don't feel thrilled about stopping si because you said you've learned to go *without* - maybe it might be easier to deal with if your perspective on si and stopping etc was different. but that's just my view - what are your feelings towards stopping. are you doing it for you or for others? why do you want to stop? is it an option when you are trying to stop? what do you get out of si'ing when you've been trying to stop and what do you get out of trying to stop/live without si?

I honestly don't know what my recent fascination with SI is. I haven't been depressed. I have been coming here after I've stayed away for about 5 years but it's because I've been thinking about it. And don't get me wrong. I DON'T want to SI. I really don't . And I am proud of how far I have come. But honestly, I have never found anything that just "stopped the world" like SI did. It was like an instant calm would come over me. When I do it now it's usually not like that though, I know better now. I honestly can't explain why I feel this way.

ok, when you fantasize about it what is the underlying reason for doing so? i.e. what do you imagine happening if you did si in the way that you want to? then, why do you want that to happen? It's ok to be scared about wanting to si badly but it is in your control. You can decide not to do it. I think it was a good idea to write want you wanted to do - I've done that in the past which really helped as it got it out of my system so to speak. have you been reading excessive amounts of material about si recently? that can have an impact. lastly, do you have anyone irl who supports you who you can talk to about this? If it gets worse, call a hotline.

MY ANSWER MAY TRIGGER...
I honestly don't know why I've been fantasizing about it. It just comes out of the blue. And the weird thing is, SI for me was always about the pain, not blood. In fact I hate blood (ironic, I know). And it was always very controlled, very meticulous. But when I think about SI it's violent, out of control and bloody. Really bloody. It's not like I die or anything when I think about it. Maybe it's just the "release" and loss of control I'm looking for in some weird way? Anyway, I haven't done it. So I'm proud of that but it's just a nagging thought that won't go away. And it's really bothering me because I don't know what brought it on. And it's not really in my life anymore. I don't really have anyone to talk to about it, at least not in a casual way. They know about it but don't get it. And I think everyone would flip out about it. They're all pretty sensitive about my moods and what not. Like if I have a shitty week it means I need to go back on meds. But I can control it and I know myself well enough to know when I can't. And when I can't I will ask for help.

Thanks for your concern. I really appreciate it. =)