All the Times I've stopped up till now! *SI*

[Lyndsie]

I don't know if i'm ready to stop. For the moment i just want to understand why i started again and see if maybe in the future it is possible for me to stop.

I stopped the first time last summer.
I stopped smoking also which was a bad idea.
By the end of the summer I was smoking again.
Then on October 21, 2003 I satrted cutting again! (On my mothers birthday!)

I told my friend kitty, who cut also about my cutting

in December i lied to my school therapist saying how it was a thing of the past!
During christmas break I tryed to stop again and did for about a month.
I came back to school and told my therpist the truth and how i had lied and stiff.
So for a month i didn't cut.

somewhere after my birthday i started cutting again.

I've stopped a few imes but only for a few day.

The last time i stopped was in May, before i decided to go into a day program! (That lasted maybe less then 24 hours!)

Sence then i haven't stopped cutting. I've had my moment ware i don't cut. My mom tryed to force me to stop which has made it worse. SOmetimes i don't cut cause i can't cut where i want, and sometime i cut to much cause i'm annoyed about it!

So theres whats happend with all the stops up to now!

I dunno!

[Lyndsie]

I haven't been smoking this summer but i have been cutting. Maybe it's easier that way at the moment.

It seems a whole lot easier then last summer when i had no coping skills, to make me feel better.

I dunno, just a thought.

[Lyndsie]

This is going to be alot of work on my part. But maybe this is me getting ready for next step. It could also be me just figuring out what went wrong.

Eather way i think it be helpful for me!

[sine nomine]

it's cool that you want to stop. maybe try posting answers to one of the question sets about urges?

deb

[Lyndsie]

i guess i could give that a try.

Thanks!

Lyndsie

[Lyndsie]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

it won't!


2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

no it wont!

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i
t depends. If iwas suicidal it would bring me back to closer.
If i wasn't i dunno where it would put me.


4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

i will feel better, then i will try to fix the problem.
if i wasn't feeling batter i wouldn't be able to try to fix the problem.


5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i could use other coping skill, but then when they don't work i'll be at the same place again!



6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

i will feel better tomorrow if i hurt myself.
If i do the other things i'll just want to hurt myself the next day, anyway!

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i dunno!

[Lyndsie]

This is going to be harder then i thougt!

LOL! And longer!

[Lyndsie]

Nothing seems to change when i hurt myself, but it does make me feel better.

it can't can't take away from it. It gives me control over it cause the situation deals with my cutting.

It will bring me closer cause it gives me back control, and then others don't have control over it.

The relief will last untill the next time they try to control it for me again.

I could talk to them, but they won't lissen, so it wouldn't help.

I will feel i had control, and they dfidn't, which will make me feel good. if i do other things it will make me feel good i guess but then i'll know i let them have control over it.

The don't really have an anserw for this question!

~It's hard when the problem behind my cutting is my cutting! (The situation behind why i cut.~



I don't know how close or far away i am from stopping!

[Alias Grace]

What does "control" mean for you?
What are some healthy ways for you to feel in control? (Think small, if you have to.)

i could use other coping skill, but then when they don't work i'll be at the same place again!

That sounds self-defeating.

Why do you hurt yourself? What are you looking for when you hurt yourself? Distraction -- control -- punishment?

What coping methods will satisfy that urge, or at least begin to satisfy it?

Are you willing to try those methods first, before hurting yourself? Just to give them the chance to work?

Grace

[Lyndsie]

Control means to me that i have control or someone esle has control. I want to have that control, over me and my life.

I get that ist sound self-defeating,but it's alos kind of the situation. If i don't cut i'm giving up control, and if i do cut i'm keeping control.


I'm looking for all three of those when i hurt myself.
Distraction to distract me from life.
Control over cutting, and my life.
Punishment for eating, mostly.

Most of the time it's really late at night. i try all day not to cause theirs people around, and at night i'm to tired to find something else.

I don't know if i am. I don't think they will work anymore!

Maybe i can't do this, not because i don't want to just because nothing else works!

This is so hard, i can't wait till school starts and emily can help me with this.

[Lyndsie]

The question now is do i want to stop and can i?



I feel so small and weak.

I know i can beat this i've done it before but do i want to.
Will it allow me to beat it this time.

I just wana scream!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!

So F**king Frusterating!!!!!!!!!!!! (Maybe i need to slow down!)


~I DUNNO!~

[Alias Grace]

Control means to me that i have control or someone esle has control. I want to have that control, over me and my life.

Okay. But what does that entail? Is it small things like deciding what you're going to wear in the morning? Or bigger things like living independently from your family, in your own flat?

If you had the level of control over your life that you want, what would that look like to you?

I get that ist sound self-defeating,but it's alos kind of the situation. If i don't cut i'm giving up control, and if i do cut i'm keeping control.

Why does cutting give you control?
What would replicate that feeling (of control)?
In what ways does cutting actually take your control away from you?

I'm looking for all three of those when i hurt myself.
Distraction to distract me from life.
Control over cutting, and my life.
Punishment for eating, mostly.

Okay, that's a good place to start. It's good that you know that. Are there any other reasons?

I already asked you a ton of questions about control, so I'll skip that.

What kinds of healthy distractions will work for you? If you don't know the answer to that, what kinds of distractions are you willing to try? What are three different things that you can do before cutting? (Painting? Reading? Journaling? Kickboxing?)

Why do you punish yourself for eating?

Will it allow me to beat it this time.

Will you allow yourself?

Rmember what I asked you earlier in this post..."In what ways does cutting actually take your control away from you?" Now add "In what ways can you give cutting less control over you?"

Grace

[Lyndsie]

Sh*t! This is so hard. I don't remember it being so hard last time!

Cutting gives me control because my family wants to take cutting away from me. I don't know if anything can replicate this feeling of control cause it's the cutting their trying to take way.

Their aren't any other eason that i can think of at the moment.

I've tried so many things to distract myself, and after a while they don't work. It makes things worse when i try to find others, cause when they stop working i become more depressed then i already am!

I have my journal and drawing but they don't work as a good coping skill at the monet cause their filled with hate!

I have an eating disorder as a way to gain more control also, and when i break it or don't do it, i punish myself with cutting in a way.

I don't know if i can allow myself cause it may already be to big a part of my life to let go.

I dont know if it really doea take control away from me, it may be to big a part of my life to do that!

I don't know if i can give it less control over my life cause the last time i did, it took over my school life! ~At least at the moment!~


Lyndsie

[Alias Grace]

This is so hard. I don't remember it being so hard last time!

Last time, were you trying to face the issues behind your cutting? It does make it harder but it's much more fulfilling at the end.

Cutting gives me control because my family wants to take cutting away from me. I don't know if anything can replicate this feeling of control cause it's the cutting their trying to take way.

Is that the only reason it gives you control?
What if they stopped wanting to take it away from you? Would hurting yourself not have the same effect? If you stopped cutting, would you never have any control over your life?

I've tried so many things to distract myself, and after a while they don't work. It makes things worse when i try to find others, cause when they stop working i become more depressed then i already am!

Why do you think those things don't work?

What effect, exactly, do you want the distractions to have?

I have my journal and drawing but they don't work as a good coping skill at the monet cause their filled with hate!

Why do you feel that the hatred makes the coping skill not work as well?

In what ways could you use those things so that they would help you? By that I mean...how can you make journaling help you? What kinds of drawings would you make that would help you feel better?

I don't know if i can allow myself cause it may already be to big a part of my life to let go.

Can the role cutting plays in your life be diminished?

I dont know if it really doea take control away from me, it may be to big a part of my life to do that!

I don't understand what you mean here, can you clarify?

I don't know if i can give it less control over my life cause the last time i did, it took over my school life! ~At least at the moment!~

I'm not sure I understand, let me clarify...do you mean that the last time you quit cutting, depression interfered with your school life?

I'm going to add in some extra questions:

What do you think would help you stop cutting?
How would your life be different without cutting?

Grace

[Lyndsie]

I understand that you trying to help me. You don't realize how much that means to me. Myabe i just need to figure out on my own, what it means to me. I've tryed so may ways to stop cutting. I guess if i want to stop i've got to figure out how to stop. I've stopped alone, and i've stopped with some help from Emily. Right now i'm not sure if i want others help, i think i might need to just suffer through this for a while untill i realize what i need.

If i need advice, support and help, I know it's here for me!

When I need to be alone and do it on my own, that where I come in!

I just need to look inside myself first to see if i can and have the power to stop. Next to see how I want to stop.

Thats what I'm trying to do at the monet, please no more advice i just gotta go this alone! (At the moment!)

[Lyndsie]

I know it would be for the best. but maybe not. I've thought this before. Theirs no way to escape the pain i feel. I'm all alone, in this fight at the moment. I don't know if i'm strong enough to beat this. It works better then anything else.

It sometimes doesn't work. Maybe I don't need it to work. It's brought all this bad coping skills into my life.

So theirs my positives and negatives about stopping!

~Please no advice, the moment!~

[Lyndsie]

~reply are welcome but please no advice, i've got to do this on my own at the moment!~

I fall
I scream
I bleed

I stuggle to find the anserws i seek
Why do i do this
Why can't i see

Is their no simple anserw for me






Tell me it's fine. It will all be ok. No one can cause they don't know. Just like i don't know.

How come this happend?

Maybe destiney or fait, but i'm not sure i believe in them.

Was it mya fault like you say everything else is?

Maybe i had no control, or was it fait in control.





I guess i'll never know.AT least at the moment. Thats what i must find out!

[Lyndsie]

I cut because...
of...
abuse
pain
fear
panic attacks
life in general
family problems
Almost everything

Now that i have some basic idea of why i cut, what comes next for me???????

~I must anserw this question next!?!~

[Lyndsie]

Can i blaim this on abuse? I don't know if i feel right doing that. I've know whats going on for along time, but did nothing. Myabe i can't totally blaim it abuse, but partly. The rest is me. My fault. Maybe not my fault the way she says everything else is my fault, but still in a way it us my fault.

[Lyndsie]

I wana cut, but ic an't, i won;t allow myself to cut because of their abuse. I want to prove to myself that i'm stronger then them. Maybe out of fear, an uncontrolable fear, but not because of them. They may hurt me mentally. but never really pshicially that often, so why should i phsically hurt myself!