TRYING not to....

[~Chameleon~]

I’m going to trigger warn on this… LA, SA, SI



kharre's questions:
 Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

I have such pent up emotions! I don’t know how to release them that makes them go away for awhile except SI or drinking/self-medicate to knock myself out so I don’t have to think about it. I keep staying at this point. I guess dealing with the SA issues, starting back to school, losing my t., umm, in other words… STRESS!… has “brought” me back to this point.

 Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I KEEP being here. That’s the whole fucking problem. I have always just buried everything or SI’ed in one shape or form. I just didn’t know before that what I was doing was harming myself that way. I felt relief when I did it before. Things settled for a while. I could feel real. I could feel connected. I could quit feeling so overwhelmed! I don't feel completely released anymore when I SI now because the guilt is now there that wasn’t before. I didn’t know before that it was something I “shouldn’t” do. I now have so many responsibilities… that it’s not only myself I have to take into consideration. So, even though the SI or drinking helps for a while… the guilt kicks in… then I want to SI more… and so starts the cycle all over.

 What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I’ve been writing. I’ve tried the ice thing. I’ve cried. I don’t know what else to do! I cannot see a way out of this right now! But I hate that. Don’t want my h. to find out. I WANT to hurt me!!!!!! I deserve to be hurt. I don’t feel any release UNLESS I HURT!!!!! What else will take it away? Nothing seems to!!!!!

 How do I feel right now?

Really bad, really urgy, sick to my stomach, hot, confused, angry, hurt, lonely, just want to do something, anything… to make these feeling go away!

 How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Relief. Connected. Safe.

 How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

release… guilty

 Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

The stressor is my fucking life… I’ve tried to run away from myself and it never seems to work…. I don’t know HOW to deal with it in a better way!… OR I WOULD… DUH! That’s the whole fucking point of doing these damn questions, right?

 Do I need to hurt myself?

I want to… I want to very badly!!!

[littlethings]

Relief. Connected. Safe.

I thought this was interesting, what about self-injury makes you feel connected? Doesn't it increase alienation to some extent? What do you feel connected to. What are you safe from?

The stressor is my fucking life… I’ve tried to run away from myself and it never seems to work…. I don’t know HOW to deal with it in a better way!… OR I WOULD… DUH! That’s the whole fucking point of doing these damn questions, right?

It sounds like you want to work on more than short term coping skills (getting through the urge immediately). Developing life coping skills is an awful lot harder. You said you just lost your T, I'm sorry about that, I don't know the circumstances. Is it possible to find a new one, or explore new therapy options?

You've also said that you feel overwhelmed, and that SI doesn't even offer complete relief anymore. Is that because of the guilt? What part of relief does SI not give you?

I hope you feel better soon.

JoAnna

[~Chameleon~]

Thank you for responding. I'm really trying hard to beat this, it sometimes seems impossible for me.

Okay, to try to answer your questions...

I feel connected to myself, to the feelings. The alienation would happen later on... but when I SI... I slow down, the feelings connect then go away. Umm, don't know if I can explain that well enough. They ARE interesting choices of words. As for the safe... I'm safe from allowing the feelings to totally overcome me. I am then safe from hurting someone else. I let off some of the emotions... and then I'm safe from most of those memories.


As for the long versus short term coping skills... I'm tired of just making it one day... or one hour... or one minute. I want something that will help me long term. (And I haven't found it yet).

My t. left due to wanting to be home with her kids. She will eventually open up her own place... become insurance billable, etc. I just don't know when that will be. I've already not seen anyone in a month, and with things starting back up again, I feel all those urges and desires pop again due to the level of stress.


SI is not completely giving me relief because of the guilt. I feel worse about myself... and the process intensifies. I've never been this bad before. It's very frustrating. SI is no longer relieving enough of the feelings. Everything is too close to the surface. The emotions are tumbling around. Anger is not being released enough. I'm afraid I'll lose control with my kids or someone close to me. So, the SI is not releasing all the pent up emotions milling around in there.

Thanks again,