How do you be assertive??

[limestone]

I was wondering if people had any ideas about the following:

How do you be assertive (with other people and yourself) when you don't feel great/low self-esteem/depressed/stressed/anxious etc.

It's been suggested that you can't be assertive when you don't feel great and I have a feeling this is too limiting.

So, when you really feel like hiding but have to make that phone call, or you want to say no instead of yes, or need to be direct in communication but are too afraid, what do you do?

[Lyndsie]

I just push myself to do it. I try to do what i can.

I allow myself to think of the outcome then i just go on with my plans.

I make plans. Then i go from their. Sometimes i don't think and just do what it is i'm try to do. which isn't always the best outcome. The best outcome usally comes when i think, at least a little bit.

I'm sprry if thats not the kind of anserw you were looking for. It was the one that fit my mood.

[Laura]

Gosh, if we could only be assertive when feeling great, I don't know what would happen!

I think Lyndsie's right - having a think beforehand and then pushing yourself to do it is good, at least it works for me. For some things it's appropriate to write a letter - I've done that with doctors etc - and that means I get ages to think carefully rather than having to respond face to face.

If writing isn't an option, then just planning succinctly what your position is and why it is reasonable. There are books on assertiveness that give wee formulas, I think something like (1) Show that you understand the other person's point of view (2) Explain your view using "I-statements" (3) State what you want to happen and why, and be prepared to repeat this firmly if neccessary. Hmm, I'm sure there was more to it than that Try this link I found (there must be more out there too) http://www.hud.ac.uk/stu_svc/counsellin ... veness.htm

With phone calls, I sort of set a date or time that I am going to phone by (making sure that builds in time to allow for other people using the phone when you want it ). And I write down *everything* I might need - even writing down my name in big letters in case I forget

That all said, there have still been times especially when depressed that my assertive plans just haven't worked and I've given in to something cos I hadn't the energy or the wit to keep it up. The time I'm thinking of just now though was when the person asking me to do something caught me unexpectedly - maybe it's better for you to approach them first with your well-rehearsed "No" than to wait and avoid them and have them catch you off guard

Good luck with this anyway.
Laura