Today I slipped up.

[Chrystal]

I think that I drink so that I CAN feel... not to feel numb. As a sober person (well until the last like few days) I would normally have a lot of problems feeling emotions unless I drank. And to escape from the rest of the world and concentrate on how crap I feel inside from all the things that have happened in my life that I was never able to deal with at the time.

SI has always been almost like a controlled way of trying to feel the pain that is inside of me. I sometimes get so very sad that my whole body aches and sometimes the only way I knew how to cope with it was to cut or burn so that I could concentrate and feel like I had the pain under control even though it was external.

SI doesn't normally make me cry. Alcohol does which is one of the reasons why it has been so very precious to me.