bus

this is about od'ing...

~~~~~~~~~

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i will feel calmer, more in control.
i will feel able to sleep soon.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
i'm not sure what it will bring... i guess actually, and ironically, it will bring a relief from pain because it'll be painkillers, i spose thats a big thing it would bring in the short term.
it will take away my feeling of panic, it will steady my world, it will make me feel more in control of my emotions, maybe help me identify them individually rather than them just feeling like one, big overwhelming mess.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
in control i guess. and calmer. more at peace with myself.
hurting myself will, initially get me closer to feeling that way, but tomorrow morning i will be further from it

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it will last until morning, possibly early morning if the pain wakes me.
once i wake up i will feel pain and i will feel it for the whole of tomorrow, maybe the next day... i will regret it.
i will feel i have to punish myself for my stupidity.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could try to watch a dvd... maybe a comedy?
i could cry... it might make me feel calmer, but i'm not sure i can cry
these would just be distractions... once they finished i would still want to od... unless i watch something until i fall asleep... but that may not happen
there is cutting... but it isnt really right to replace one form of si with another is it?

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i will feel pain either way i guess... i'll feel more if i od and i'll regret it far more.
if i manage to fall asleep, i really dont know how i'll feel tomorrow... i may even regret not od'ing. then again i may feel relieved.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, many times.
this is the first time i have tried to fight the urge.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i have browsed bus and posted.
i've done a jigzone.com puzzle.
i could do more distraction things... but as soon as i stop, the urge would still be there...
i can only think of other things that would hurt me to do instead

How do I feel right now?
hollow
low
anxious
tense
tearful but i cant cry
impotent
alone
emotionally numb
pointless

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
calm
relieved
sleepy
content
physically numb

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
i will feel relief. i will become dopey and probably sleep quite quickly
tomorrow i will feel pain. all day. and i will feel regret and anger and stupidity.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
this stressor is an addiction... i'm beginning to realise that.
i have no idea how to avoid it or deal with it. i'm drowning in it.

Do I need to hurt myself?
i feel i do... i deserve punishment above anything
but i want to feel calmer and more in control, and hurting myself is the best way to do that.
but rationally i know i dont need to hurt myself. its a desire, not a need.

i still want to... i know i shouldnt for serious medical reasons. but it doesnt stop me wanting to... i'm so confused by my own mind...

You've done really well in identifying the feelings your not comfortable with. Can you try something like a pros and cons list as another form of looking at od'ing as a solution? You've already put a few down on here so could start from some of those. Is there anything else that makes you tired like warm milk, excercise, anything like that? My T has suggested to me a way to help with overwhelming feelings is to "create one" by plunging my face into a pail of ice water (shock effect), perhaps that might help you. I know someone once recommended trying to hold some cut onion to start the tears and that for them that helped to get the feeling tears happening so that's another option. The DVD sounds like a good idea. Anything positive you do, even if it holds things off for just another couple of minutes is a good thing. Keep trying to take as kind care of yourself as you can.

thank you for replying storm.
i think some of your ideas of things to do instead are quite good - warm milk does make me sleepy (tho at these temperatures i'm not sure i could drink it!) and the ice water could be adapted to holding an ice cube tight - thats meant to really hurt, but not in any lasting way. and onions... that may actually work, it could be a good way to start crying properly.

i guess a pro and con list is a good idea. tho i know what they are in my head. od'ing is not even logical to me, i know it makes no sense and solves nothing. but it doesnt mean i dont want to do it...

Pros:
it will calm me
i'll feel in control
i'll have a peaceful, dreamless night's sleep
it isnt physically visible to others, unlike cutting - that makes it completely mine
it may cause permanent internal damage

Cons:
i'll wake up in terrible, sometimes unbearable, pain and it may last a few days
it makes me feel more guilty than cutting does
i'll be angry at myself the next day
it stops me doing things and concentrating
it may cause permanent internal damage
i guess there's a risk i could take it too far and it could kill me... but i'm not sure thats really a con

as it happens i did si. i cut rather than od'ing tho... which i spose is a bit better. i have no idea how i feel about it right now tho - kind of guilty and ashamed i guess... i might do the after questions and post them here as well...

After

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes

what had happened just before?
the urge to hurt myself just became all-consuming and unbearable

what were you thinking and feeling?
i dont know if i was - i just had to do something to stop the world for a moment. and all the things from my before post.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
i generally si at night, simply because there's less chance of being found in the act... and somehow i feel less guilty doing it when my parents are asleep...
there was no event, just an overwhelming feeling.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
i'm not sure doing my befores helped... i think they might even have made me want to si more.
after i posted i got ready for bed and then i put a dvd on and sat on my bed and watched it. but i wasnt really concentrating on it. i just had this urge to hurt myself running through my head and in the end i just gave in to shut it up - i'm not strong enough to fight that voice yet.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
none

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
distractions mainly - online games and watching a dvd. but they were only distractions... and they didnt work well because my mind was still focussed on my urge to si.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i've no idea... i'm not great on the coping front.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
i'm ashamed. really ashamed that i am unable to overcome these urges and that i have them in the first place. i'm slowly coming to the realisation that i am sort of addicted, that it is a reason in itself that doesnt need external influence. i have no idea how to resolve this.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes i am. its pretty obvious really...

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
i cant think of anything other than distractions... maybe watch a good film, read a book... guess i could try hot milk - as this usually happens at night, anything that would help me sleep would be good. wish i could have sleeping pills, but knowing me i'd just take everything i had in one go!

I don't really have too much helpful to add. Nightimes are hardest for me too and that's what my T is wanting me to work on figuring out, but I know it's hard. I'm proud that you were able to make it as long as you did without si'ing, and that you were able to choose what for you, you see as a less dangerous option although all are potentially that way. Also good work on doing a pros and cons list, those can be really hard to look at. Take as kind care of you as possible.