After

[April]

* what had happened just before? I spent the day destroying old diaries. I read them. I shouldn't have. I also read the livejournal history for someone. I really shouldn't have.

* what were you thinking and feeling?
I was upset. But felt the need to keep on reading.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
After two months SI free, I just couldn't do it anymore.

* how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
I kept on reading. I should have stopped reading when I got upset.

* were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Nope.

* what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I just kept distracting myself. But after two months it just didn't work.

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Talking to a friend might have helped. But I can't bring myself to bother them with this stuff.

* how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I'll finish destroying the diary when I'm safer.

[NobodyToYou]

* what were you thinking and feeling?
I was upset. But felt the need to keep on reading.

I can certainly understand that, cause I have done it too. But what do you think reading was doing for you? It probably was doing something useful, or there wouldn't have been a draw toward it. Maybe if you can find what it was doing that was useful, you can find a safer way to get that...
That sounded really vague. I will give an example to try to make it clearer...for me, reading over my past journals can make me feel more connected to myself. That sounds weird, but sometimes it is easy for me to forget how I felt before or what I thought and lose "me" a bit. Reading my journals connects me with who I used to be. That is good...and bad. Some of the stuff in there is very upsetting and very negative. It makes me face who I really am, not who I wish I were. So...to get the good side, I have to be able to remember and reconnect, but also get a bit of distance and not let the feelings overwhelm me. One way I have found to do that is make sure there are distractions in the room. Read the journal with the TV on, or music. Have a candle burning (if that is safe for you), or eat something. When I start getting to "into" my journal, I stop and focus on other things for a bit...I can't always do it, but it does help sometimes.
I know everyone has their own reasons, so yours may be totally different. But if you can find a way to get the good without the bad side being quite so strong, maybe it would be a bit easier.

* why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
After two months SI free, I just couldn't do it anymore.

This sounds like you got too tired to keep trying or like the feelings were building up without an outlet...kinda like you were not SIing, but you didn't have another way to really cope either. I know for me, distraction does work, but not if there is too much that hasn't been dealt with...Maybe it would be worth working on ways to handle the everyday ups and downs and "get them out" without SIing? Some people like journaling, drawing or painting, dancing, writing poetry, talking to friends...things like that. Maybe you can find something that works for you.
You mentioned talking to a friend might help, but that you didn't want to bother them. Maybe you could write a letter to them, and picture their responses in your head? Or write out the conversation you think you would have with them (and write their part too). If you later think you need more help, you could actually send the letter, but if not, just tear it up or save it somewhere.

[April]

But what do you think reading was doing for you? It probably was doing something useful, or there wouldn't have been a draw toward it. Maybe if you can find what it was doing that was useful, you can find a safer way to get that...

Well I started reading out of curiosity. Thinking about it I kept reading as it gave me a sense of validation. Certain people DID treat me as badly as I remember. That kind of thing. Also, having read the diaries it is giving me much more satisfaction to destroy them.

I have to be able to remember and reconnect, but also get a bit of distance and not let the feelings overwhelm me. One way I have found to do that is make sure there are distractions in the room. Read the journal with the TV on, or music. Have a candle burning (if that is safe for you), or eat something. When I start getting to "into" my journal, I stop and focus on other things for a bit...I can't always do it, but it does help sometimes.

I'll try that. Thanks.

This sounds like you got too tired to keep trying or like the feelings were building up without an outlet...kinda like you were not SIing, but you didn't have another way to really cope either.

That's exactly it!

Some people like journaling, drawing or painting, dancing, writing poetry, talking to friends...things like that. Maybe you can find something that works for you.

Last week I started a journal thing again. So I'll see how that goes.

You mentioned talking to a friend might help, but that you didn't want to bother them. Maybe you could write a letter to them, and picture their responses in your head? Or write out the conversation you think you would have with them (and write their part too). If you later think you need more help, you could actually send the letter, but if not, just tear it up or save it somewhere.

I may try that. Thanks.

Thanks for responding. It's been really useful.

[syn]

* in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Talking to a friend might have helped. But I can't bring myself to bother them with this stuff.

It took me a LONG time before I was able to confide in friends, it was very difficult for me to do, even to ask my husband for help when it came to SI. However, I started by talking to people I trusted when I felt reasonably safe and saw how they responded, and most if not all were willing to be woken at any hour to help me.

It's still difficult to reach out, but I now have a pact that I won't SI without trying to talk to someone first, since a number of people have agreed to be there for me. It was a big help to me.