bus

Part of the situation is that I suddenly feel some kind of pressure because I'm feeling better, worry that I'm going to drop down into depression again, or that while I'm feeling better I won't be coping better. Also nervous about what the employment agency will tell me next week, I hate waiting. I'm not really in crisis, I just got this sudden urge to cut.

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

In a way it would make me feel safer, comfortable to react in a way I am used to. It would make me feel stronger for being able to do such a thing despite the resistance and the pain. At the same time, it would make my life more complicated.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It would bring a calm and a worry. A calm because I would know where I am and not have to worry about falling because that would already be a fact. A worry because I might make other people upset. It would bring wounds that I can care for, which gives me the feeling I can do something about the situation. It would bring drama that would distract me from my thoughts.

It would take away the feeling of pressure about doing better. It would take away a feeling of grief over leaving behind the time in my life when I SI'ed. It would take away fear of the future, it would take away all feelings.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel content with life, and stable enough to still be able to stand up when stressful things happen. SI can make me numb, but it can't make me content.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

It might last for up to a few days. Then I would have the choice between doing it again, with the risk of falling back into a habit of frequent SI, or dealing with the same or similar feelings as now, plus whatever upsets the SI may cause.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I feel like I have a lot I want to express right now. I could go on writing in my journal, and on bus. I might talk to my b/f if the timing seems right (I'm not upset with him or anything, he's just the person I can imagine talking to atm). This might help me to see things more clearly, it often helps me to think when I see things in writing.
Then I can distract myself - go out in the sun, maybe go swimming, read, do crossword puzzles, listen to music, clean - until I get that decision from the employment agency. After that, there will be a new situation to deal with.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

It's hard to tell, but I think it will feel like a defeat if I hurt myself.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to go outside for a while, and then keep writing down stuff tonight. I actually want to do that more than I want to hurt myself. This time I can actually see that SI would only be temporary, and I would have as much or more to deal with afterwards, it's not worth it.

Hi!

You know, it's the previewing part of the questions on this thread that, in the main keep me from SI'ing ("clean" since Feb. with one very small slip last night -- which is why I've come here). It really sinks in when I ask myself, "What will SI'ing change now? Tomorrow?" And when I answer that second question, that's what stops me. For me, the only thing that would be different is that I would have a cut. The things in my life that drive my urges would all still be there.

IDK if that made sense, but I'm glad you discovered that you have other ways of dealing with your anxiety that will help you feel better both temporarily and in the long run.

Good luck on the employment front.

Odette

Hi Odette,

Thank you for replying. I'm glad you have found these questions useful and have been able to see that SI'ing isn't going to fix things. That's a long time you have been clean, well done! (Did you look at the reason behind why you slipped? It might be useful to prevent it from happening again.)

I'm grateful that at the moment I'm doing ok in general and have enough space to think before acting. There have been many times in the past when I was so eager to have some temporary relief that I simply didn't care about the consequences. Even if I knew at a rational level that hurting myself would in the long run make things worse, I was emotionally too preoccupied with the immediate situation. When it feels like you are about to die at any moment, tomorrow doesn't matter. I'm very thankful that I have (at least for now) managed to move out of that state of crisis.

Yeah, I think I figured it out. Disappointment is really hard for me. I had something of a crisis yesterday. I saw my T at the "Y" and told her had f*cked up (something else) and that I'd likely be calling her. I have probably only called her 2 or 3 times at home in 5 years, so that's significant. I left a message on her answering machine at home. I waited and waited. 7 and 1/2 hours later, I left. My family's out of town and other support I have weren't around. Anyhow, when I got back home at the end of the night, there was a message from my T -- sorry, she'd been out all day, blah, blah. I just felt so desserted, like she didn't care, wasn't being professional, let me down, etc. Mind you, I did have her mobile number but didn't use it. I was trying to be strong, understanding, and the like. In the end, I should have tried harder for help up front. I was feeling alone and desserted and unloved.

BTW, I did call her back this a.m. and try to sort it all out, but it will surely have to wait until session.

Glad you're doing better.

Odette

To feel deserted like that is hard. No matter how much we tell ourselves to act like an adult and not make a fuss, the feeling is there. Especially when circumstances are such that we're extra vulnerable. I hope you can sort it out with your T when you see her.

I can relate to the not calling even when one should. I never ever call my T (after 6 years). My pdoc gave me his home and mobile numbers, but I haven't used them either. It's easier for me to ask for help with physical stuff, which is probably one (not the only!) reason for why I have hurt myself sometimes, it's been more acceptable in my head to ask to have a cut fixed or od treated than to say "help me, I'm feeling horrible".

Take care

Nina

Yep, I totally relate to that last statement. It IS easier to ask for help on a physical issue.

I'm really struggling right now. And what's sad? I don't want to do a "before" post because I won't get to have my relief. Anyhow, thanks for your input. Just having a hard time now -- so many real problems, forget the imagined. Take care.

Odette

It sounds a bit trite to say I hope things get better for you soon, but I really do. Thanks for talking with me.

Nina