bus

• I’ve got this big blob of ugh! in my life. If anything happens to make it bigger I’ll be fucked up beyond repair. I need someone to know that something is wrong. I need someone to listen without judgment. I need someone to hold me, rub my arms and say you need to stop doing that, not because I’m telling you to or because you want to but because the FACT is you need to. I don’t know anyone who can do all three.
• Do I need to hurt myself? I feel like I do. I should help myself and speak up. Why do I feel like it’s cheating to help myself?
• My efforts to survive by SI could kill me but I avoid redemption for fear I can't handle the journey. Either way I could die. Redemption yields better results yet I trust SI much more. The easy way is usually not the right way. Dang it. That made sense but I am so confused. Feel free to comment. Doubt anyone reads this anyway.

Hey

I read and it sounds really confusing and overwhelming for you right now. Whichever path you choose to take I hope you find what you're looking for.

It is so unbearably hard to give up SI when it's all you've known, trusted and thought about for so long but sometimes it can be beneficial. I know it's cheesey but someone once said to me "It's not gona be easy, it's gona be worth it" and that sorta helped pull me through...sometimes.

I can't offer any advice, sorry, but I'll be thinking of you.

HI,

just letting you know that I read, and am listening. I am sorry you feel unsafe.

cat