bus

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
- yup

what had happened just before?
- I've had a rough few days - trying to adjust to being back under my parents' roof after a year, them having found out that I SI'd in the past, that 2 close friends are a lot deeper in the shit than I realised.

what were you thinking and feeling?
- Slightly upset and guilty feeling, I have a bad tendency to blame myself for things that go wrong with other people. Worried for my friend. Pissed of at my parents. And craving SI

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
- No final straw, just the fact that there was all this shit going on, which I can't handle normally. I couldn't see any reason not to cut. Ok, I haven't cut since october but right now I can't see a valid reason for not doing it occasionally to get that high and good relaxed feeling.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
- I could have phoned up a friend and talked it through with them.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
- nope. Unless parents count as outside factors, and not much I can do about them

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
- delayed it. Read a book. Thats all really. I could have not done it if I'd tried, but I wanted to.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
- Sure, any of the ones I've written down in the past would have worked

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
- The problem is not that I was trying not to and failed; I'd decided I wanted to, so why would I try to stop myself? Is it really so bad to cut occasionally?

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
- nope not in the slightest. Still got those stressors. So I guess I'll do it again. In fact I've gone as far as to look in my diary and see when it'll be ok to do it again. Which I guess isn't good. But I have no regrets for cutting last night.

I know theres not a lot of point posting this really, as there's not a lot anyone can say to it. But it has helped me to recognise how my brain's working to answer this, so I hope no one minds me posting it so I have it to refer back to - I can't just print it as I no longer trust my parents not to go through my things

Feel free to comment if something grabs you! Andi x

The problem is not that I was trying not to and failed; I'd decided I wanted to, so why would I try to stop myself? Is it really so bad to cut occasionally?

Is it? What things do you gain from injuring? What things do you lose? Are there things which offer those same benefits without those particular drawbacks?

I am really sorry that things are so stressful right now.

Take care, Andi.

Hey, thanks for the reply. You know, it does make it easier just knowing someone cares, eh? I went and did what you suggested, though I couldn't come up with much - heres what I put:

What do I gain
I get the (free) 'high' from the endorphins etc, which is a feeling I love. They should heal fine, without too much (if any) scarring. Its an easy place to hide, linked with the fact that everyone thinks I've stopped, so aren't particularly looking. If I SI, it'll keep me happy and I can get on with life, rather than spending all my time fighting urges and missing it. And heck, I want to right now, so why not be selfish and do what I want to do

What do I lose
They might scar, and there is a chance someone might see them while they're healing anyway, which would put me in a difficult situation. I'll have to be careful about not letting other people see them. If (heaven forbid) someone did find out, it would be very upsetting for them. I could end up getting deeper into it and cutting worse so it scars badly or becomes dangerous (though I doubt it, I havent yet). God wouldn't want me to (I guess).

Alternatives
The only ones I can think of that give me the good things (though not to the same degree) are going to gigs, and drugs. Gigs aren't gonna happen because I have no money, and drugs probably aren't the greatest of plans either, and also cost money.

Andi