bus

- Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Seems a mix of things.
One is that I went to a social occasion with lots of strangers two days ago. While I'm relieved to have it over and done with, I still feel discomfort from the situation. Nothing bad happened, and I was able to leave early, but I feel sort of invaded just from having all those people around me.

Another is that it's getting warm here, and I'm planning to go to the beach just to dip my feet in the water and get some sea air, but that also makes me think about how I can't show myself in a swim suit due to scars, which upsets me.

A third is that I'm in a strange mood right now, anxious and upbeat at the same time, and it seems as if SI would simply be a good kick.

- Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Yes, on all three counts.
Social occasions - (apart from sometimes SIing) just waited for a few days for the discomfort to wear off, allowed myself to hide from the world. Eventually felt safer again.
Scar worries - told myself to bite the sour apple, as there is nothing much that can be done about the scars and as long as I'm not willing to show them off, I'll have to keep hiding. Felt angry at self.
Wanting the high - mostly other bad ideas like drink alcohol, mess with meds, restrict sleep, which then makes me more likely to SI later.

- What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

Distract myself online.

Listen to loud music (in headphones so as to not disturb the people sleeping)
Drink coffee with lots of milk (it calms me)
Read in bed until I fall asleep.
Later today, take a long bike ride (it's 4.30 am now)

- How do I feel right now?

Tingling sensation in body, a bit fuzzy in the head, can't decide whether I'm cheerful or nervous.

- How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

At first thrilled at the sight of blood, then more and more distant and numb.

- How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Regrets, mainly for making b/f worried. Maybe feel scared of myself.

- Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

Social occasions must be faced now and then. Scars don't go away. Am likely to sometimes want a kick and an escape. So no, can't avoid.

Deal with it better, I don't know right now.

- Do I need to hurt myself?

No. Want to doesn't mean need to. Will do the other things first, wait to see if this mood passes.

One is that I went to a social occasion with lots of strangers two days ago. While I'm relieved to have it over and done with, I still feel discomfort from the situation. Nothing bad happened, and I was able to leave early, but I feel sort of invaded just from having all those people around me.

What sorts of things have you done to relax and decompress after attending that occasion? I know being social takes a lot out of me, and sometimes a day (or a few hours) spent in bed reading a book can help.

Another is that it's getting warm here, and I'm planning to go to the beach just to dip my feet in the water and get some sea air, but that also makes me think about how I can't show myself in a swim suit due to scars, which upsets me.

Have you tried waterproof makeup? Or wearing a coverup until you are ready to go in the water. Alternately, do you think there is any possibility of being comfortable enough to just show the scars?

Sorry this isn't the most helpful reply.

Take care.

Thank you for the reply.

balletomane wrote: What sorts of things have you done to relax and decompress after attending that occasion? I know being social takes a lot out of me, and sometimes a day (or a few hours) spent in bed reading a book can help.

Yes, that's what I did for a bit yesterday and after posting this morning, also watched some sports on tv which is relaxing to me since I'm not terribly into sports (I mean it doesn't matter much to me if my team/guy loses)

Today I will bike down to the sea on my own, bring a sandwich and a book and find a quiet spot on the sand dunes.

balletomane wrote:Have you tried waterproof makeup? Or wearing a coverup until you are ready to go in the water. Alternately, do you think there is any possibility of being comfortable enough to just show the scars?

Tested makeup but the skin is bumpy so still looks weird. I live in a small town and if I go to the main beach, there is always a chance of running into someone I know or a neighbour, and I'm not at the moment prepared to be a town freak (mainly for the sake of my family). But I do occasionally go swimming at other beaches outside of my town, wearing board shorts and a mesh top. If it was just me I think I would stop hiding, am fed up with it, but because of family I don't see that as an option.

Anyway, I slept a little this morning. Still feeling odd but I have promised myself to not SI today, and if I still want to tomorrow I have to answer these questions again first.