bus

Um, so I gave in last night, and it was really bad.

hasn't been that bad in a long time, and I feel like I had very little control. I am trying to be angry with myself because I broke my rules; I cut where it can be seen, not much and I realised and stopped, but that's a clear indication I have no control. Also, I don't know if I would have stopped if my friend hadn't called. Now it is urging me more. I am urging me, the cuts, the look and also the feel of pain when the skin moves. So I am trying to work things out cos it can't go on like this.

what had happened just before?

nothing specific that I can think of, the day before had issues with my ex, had been thinking 'bout it and not sleeping very well

what were you thinking and feeling?

feeling overwhelmed, desperate to be able to dissociate

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?

Think it was the end of my resolve, had been wanting to a long time, esp night before, but talked to friend all night instead. This time, I don't know, it was like I wanted to give in.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

I got home and was drinking and v angry, v tired. could prob have called someone even though I felt I couldn't cause i was too upset; didn't want to worry people but ended up worrying them more cause they called me after.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

Yes, alcohol and lack of sleep. Insomnia bad, having trouble managing it. Alcohol can help me get to sleep, but makes si worse if I do it while drinking. Often the 2 are combined for me.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

This time not many I had tried talking to people, netting, writing, drawing etc in days previous, but didn't have the patience last night.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Yes, I should have gone for a walk, called someone. Urges started in morning, decided before I got home that it was going to happen. Maybe need to have credit so I can message people during breaks etc when things are bad and people are mean to me- not to tell them but just to touch base with people outside.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Have credit on my phone at all times
Have walking gear ready in bedroom so the out of the house part is easier

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

Not resolved. i feel closed of, cold towards it. Don't know if it has actually sealed or will resurface.. I am avoiding it right now. Know that it is starting to annoy my friends now. Don't know how to resolve it.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

Yes, don't know.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I will contact someone, either online, on phone or irl.
I will leave physically if possible
I will try non permanent alternatives first.

About Opportunities to SI
Opportunity to Self-Harm seems to be a common theme. Think about why opportunities are important to slips and learn why opportunity is important to you.

What made that opportunity more appealing than any other?

Extreme stress, recent thoughts about it, possibility of help.

Did you make an opportunity or was it there for the taking?
I think I made this opportunity

What would you have done if there was no opportunity, how would you have handled your urge?

I am not good at this, sometimes when I can't I really lose my head, like when I stay with friends or family. But I guess I would have gone out for a bit, or I might have tried drinking, or drugs. Sometimes I take something that will knock me out for a bit. Don't know if those methods are much better.

If there had been no opportunity would your urge to self-harm have increased or decreased?

increased

What consitutes opportunity for you? Being alone? having new tools? waiting for the right feeling?

being alone, the feeling, timing.

If your opportunties were taken away, how would you feel?

Scared, anxious, nervous, unsure how to cope.

I'm sorry you had such a rough night.

moll_drum wrote:I am trying to be angry with myself because I broke my rules;

Do you think being angry at yourself would help? Or would you feel worse? You can't change what has happened, only how you act in future. Will being angry with yourself positively affect your future choices?

feeling overwhelmed, desperate to be able to dissociate

Do you know what was overwhelming you?

I got home and was drinking and v angry, v tired. could prob have called someone even though I felt I couldn't cause i was too upset; didn't want to worry people but ended up worrying them more cause they called me after.

Do you know why you were angry? Would it have helped to have tried to deal with the anger? There are some cool threads about dealing with anger. <a href="http://buslist.org/phpBB/viewtopic.php? ... >Here's</a> a current one.

Yes, alcohol and lack of sleep. Insomnia bad, having trouble managing it. Alcohol can help me get to sleep, but makes si worse if I do it while drinking. Often the 2 are combined for me.

I'm sorry you're having trouble sleeping. I don't know if it's any use to you, but <a href="http://www.buslist.org/phpBB/viewtopic. ... 1">this</a> thread in sourcebook has tons of ideas for how to get to sleep when that's difficult. Maybe if you could sleep better the urges would be more manageable.

Take care

Gwylan

Gwylan,

Thankyou for your response. You asked?

Do you think being angry at yourself would help? Or would you feel worse? You can't change what has happened, only how you act in future. Will being angry with yourself positively affect your future choices?

I broke my rules. I should feel angry/quilty- not relieved. If i do not find some method to punish myself for this it will undermine my attempts to have some control and boundaries over my si.

I have downloaded some of the ideas from the anger and sleep posts, especially deb's worksheets, for me to read through when I am a better place for concentrating. Thankyou very much for your suggestions and advice. i think I should be better prepared for next time now,

Thanks again,

cat

Hi cat,

I was just wondering whether the stick approach was the best way to deal with this. I know a lot of self-injurers have to learn to be kind to themselves, in which a carrot approach would be in order. I was just wondering whether you really needed *anger* to stop you breaking your rules again. You can have regret because it's inconvenient and that might be enough to make you not do it again, but will beating yourself up about it after the fact achieve much? Will having been upset with yourself actually stop you breaking your rules again? Or will it just upset you know and make you more stressed when you're already struggling?

I don't know. Maybe anger really doesn't work for you, but I think it's not as productive a reaction as its frequency would indicate. Like with kids: yelling and screaming at them can instil good behaviour but it also has negative side effects like causing fear. Being calm and compassionate works much better: you punish them for their wrongdoings but you still tell them you love them and you don't treat them any differently other than that. I can understand that you want to punish yourself, but I wondered whether in trying to induce guilt and anger you weren't trying to do the yelling and screaming thing rather than the "okay, so you broke the rules and there are consequences but I still love you" thing.

Just a thought.

Take care,

Gwylan

Gwylan,

thankyou for giving me something to think about. I don't know what the answer is right now. A certain amount of anger helps me follow my rules, not just for si, but for getting up in the morning, working etc. Perhaps it is worth seeking other methods of control. I guess that is part of what I am doing in trying to stop the si in the first place. Hope that made sense,

cat