before

[LBC]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?


I'm hoping that it will bring some sort of release from anxiety for a while, and from the overwhelming feeling that I've really screwed up (and the negative thought cycle that's kind of spinning from that).

I can't believe that things are going to turn out all right, and I just need release enough to allow me to sleep.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?


Hurting myself makes me feel a little more calm and makes me feel like I've punished myself for the stupid things I've done.

Hurting myself is going to make me sore. And I will lose over a year of being SI-free, and I know that I will be really disappointed in myself for that


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?


There's nothing I can do about this tonight, so I just want to be able to put this away and go to sleep until tomorrow. Hurting myself might help me to do that.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?


The relief will be short-lived, but I'm hoping I'll be able to go to sleep soon after.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?


I could play Sudoku. That gets me into a different headspace, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to concentrate. I could play a game that requires less concentration until I get tired. I could go read.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?


I'm going to feel very anxious tomorrow either way. But if I don't hurt myself, at least I won't feel sore, and I'll still have my year.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?


I really want to hurt myself. I'm not sure where to go from here.

[balletomane]

Hi LBC. Sorry you're so anxious right now.

It seems like getting to sleep is the short term goal, and you feel that SI would help you be able to do that.

What specifically about hurting yourself would make you able to sleep? How would it help interrupt the anxiety?

What other things would offer that same effect?

I really hope you get/got some rest.

[LBC]

What specifically about hurting yourself would make you able to sleep? How would it help interrupt the anxiety?

Sleep is an escape behaviour for me. I do it when things get to be "too much", especially when there are thoughts in my head over which I feel I have no control.

And SI is kind of cathartic to me sometimes - makes me feel similar to the way I've felt after I've had a good cry (sleepy). Last night I was too worked up to cry - but I figured that SI would have the same effects on me.

I didn't SI, by the way - I laid down and put on a favourite movie, and ended up getting to sleep without it.

Thanks for posting, b.

[balletomane]

I'm glad you got to sleep and didn't SI. I hope the anxiety producing situation is resolved, or heading in that direction anyway.

For the future, what else can you try that has the same sort of cathartic quality?

It's awesome that you got through without SI. I really admire that.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.