bus

is there another way to deal with self-hate besides si? it feels like poison to think of myself like this. it disgusts me to be the way i am. i am generally distracted and playing angry music to express myself a bit. but the music is just noise and nothing is expressed... i wish i could say out loud - "i am a horrible person", i am worth nothing, i am a failure and its pathetic to watch me trying because i will never get what i want. i don't even know what i want. recently its all been about coping and i've been hiding and distracting myself from my feelings and trying to ignore my thoughts. its pretty predictable that i've si'd more. i want to be noticed. i want my si, my pain, to be noticed. occasionally i think about si-ing in front of ppl or showing someone a recent cut. i thought i wasn't coping but now that i am more capable, there's more responsibility to be coping with everything. i am supposed to cope with being tired when i shouldn't be, making it harder to get to appts. i'm supposed to cope with the pathetic failures of not making appts or not doing shopping or the dishes. i'm supposed to cope with having no outlet for my desperation. well, i can't. i know i'm not as low as i was a few weeks ago, and somehow i want to be back in that horrible place. i wish i had no option except su. cos then i'd have less responsibilty. i wouldn't have to think about the future and hate myself for not living up to my expectations. no i don't think my expectations are too high. how could expecting that i will sit my exams this semester, or that i will make appts this week, be too much??

expressing this is helping with the urges. i guess i feel like i have no way out? no way to express my feelings except si. i feel yuck now. i can't describe it except by saying 'i need/want to hurt myself'. why is it so hard to understand what's in my head? thinking that i haven't had the chance to explain myself cos noone is listening... i wish someone would just listen for a few hours, let me talk out everything i need to... now i just feel lonely and sad

instead of si... i will... ? got to go home soon. i need something at home to distract me rather than thinking more or feeling more. (why is it so rarely "safe" for me to feel?) ... i think i will try and avoid the book i'm reading (its triggery) and apart from watching tv, do something that makes me feel 'better' like making jewellery. (i don't think i will stop myself from si if these urges come back later, but i guess i will be ok for a little while)

hi. It sounds like things are very difficult at the moment. It's hard when the expectation for coping feels higher than the ability to cope.

What sort of a support system do you have in place? Do you have someone you can go to and say that you are finding things extremely difficult?

occasionally i think about si-ing in front of ppl or showing someone a recent cut.

It sounds like you really want to be heard and for your pain to be recognized. How, besides SIing, can you have that need met?

I hope the jewelry making helps. Take care.

I think the way to deal with self-hate is unfortunately to stop hating yourself so much. . So, nice quick solution there, eh?

Could you make a list of things you've achieved today? Doesn't have to include big things. But list the things you have done, with things you found hard in big letters. That might help you feel better about yourself. Also, in workshop Mab has a thread called reality check where you have to describe yourself neutrally. Maybe that would also help a bit? It forces you to step back from the feelings and thing about yourself in a more distanced manner.

Wanting your pain to be noticed isn't a bad thing. Do you have any friends who you can talk to and say "It's so bloody hard?". Or even post on main. It is hard, and things do hurt, and there's nothing wrong with needing some means of validating that feeling. It's particularly hard now, when you're feeling better enough that you can contemplate doing stuff but not well enough that doing it isn't a struggle. I've been there and it really is difficult. well done to you for keeping going. But things will get better still.

Do be kind to yourself. Recognise what you're achieving and try (yeah, like that's so easy ) not to beat yourself up about the things you aren't. Not being in the deepest pit fo depression doesn't mean that you're suddenly fine, and you needn't expect that of yourself. You're not a failure for not achieving things you wanted to achieve. And it's not that you "shouldn't be tired". If you're tired, you're tired. that's just the way it is and you need to find a way to make you less tired so that you can at least get some stuff done. E.g., take a nap, take a shower, get your diet a bit better so you have more energy. I know it sucks when your goals for the day include things like "dressing" and "showering". I used to think "God, what have I come to". But at the end of the day, if it's difficult and I manage it then I've done something. Accepting my limitations and doing my best turned out to be my best route to continuing to improve. Yes, I found it frustrating and depressing.

Would small goals help? One of mine was to make it to work regulrarly enough that I could have flowers in the office and I could enjoy them and kepe them alive. Can you reward yourself with a treat for having sat your exams, and a treat for making appointments?

Making jewellery sounds like a really good plan. Good luck with that.

Take care.

Gwylan

You do have an outlet for your desperation: here on bus, or people like the Samaritans. Well done for posting here. You've just written a very honest post, and you say that it's helped with the urges, so that was a really good move.

thank you balletome and Smeagol for the encouraging replies.

i didn't cut yesterday, but i am back to fighting the urges again this afternoon.

support system - it seems like they check whether i theoretically am coping then leave it at that. like i managed to smile and chat with a friend a few days ago and said things had been really bad and now they're slightly better. they are busy atm and maybe they thought i meant everything is good? i guess i want attention without actually asking for it. so i will try and do that... i have a drs appt and T appt on Mon, i think they expect me to turn up and will try and help me at the appts. i am not sure if i will get to the appts and that worries me that i feel like there is no support until a set time and when i am well enough to manage getting to appts.
i can ask my friend for a lift on Mon, tho she may not be able to. there are other ppl to ask but none that i want to rely on. i need to rely on myself?

i didn't make any more jewellery, i did a small attempt on my assignment and it felt like i can't possibly do it all. at my last T appt we agreed that i would start trying to catch up on the work, slowly. i have gone over lecture notes like i said i would, but it seems like a silly goal, now that i have done it i really 'should' be telling myself that its a positive thing that i started.

today... i'm frustrated. i feel like i need to be listened to and despite talking to 3 different (supporting) ppl this week, i feel like i didn't actually express what i wanted to.

i think i will try to not si. i think being on Bus means i am sort of attempting to helping myself. i can be hopeful about the appts being somewhere i can get heard, they shouldn't be too hard to get to?

i have gone over lecture notes like i said i would, but it seems like a silly goal, now that i have done it i really 'should' be telling myself that its a positive thing that i started.

I've definitely had this feeling before. Something that seemed so hard before, seems really easy once it's done. But it is a good start and you accomplished something.

Have you tried writing letters about how you feel? you can try writing things for your therapist or letters to your friend. Even if you don't send them, it can help.